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#190630 - 11/09/07 04:47 PM Age when you distinguish bad intentions!
genti Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 5
Loc: MD
I am new here and I will apologise for my english language because it's not my first language. Reading one of the previous topics I was thinking about the age when you can distinguish the bad intentions that older people could have toward you. I remember clearly that at 13 we were aware of the bad sexual intentions that older people could have had!We experienced incidents of this nature, for exemple:when I was 13, I was playing in a soccer court with my friends and when the game finished somebody, a court worker that we met at this court before, approached me and for a bit grazed me in the backside. In a fraction of second I rebeled and went way throwing stones on him understanding his intentions.
My point is that at 13 we were pretty aware about negativ sexual approaches of older people and we could have rejected them unless the force was use. Do you have the same opinion that at age 13 you have the consciousness to distingiush the bed sexual intentions of older people?


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#190632 - 11/09/07 04:55 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: genti]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Genti,

Are you suggesting that a 13 year old who was sexually abuse should "know better"?

Are you suggesting that a 13 year old should or could stop an older more powerful person from abusing them?

Are you suggesting the abuse I suffered at 12 or 13 was my fault?

It sounds that way to me. HOW DARE YOU.

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#190634 - 11/09/07 05:14 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: Gerald2007]
genti Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 5
Loc: MD
No, I did not suggest it! If you reed with attention I wrote: unless the force was used!! I am not saying that was your fault in any circumstances! I wrote the message because in a previous topic, to my understanding, it seems that the incident happened in a kind of "agreement" between a 16 years boy and 13 year boy. If it was use force I can understand it but if not how you let a 16 years old boy doing things to you! This was my point.


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#190635 - 11/09/07 05:15 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: genti]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Force or no force it doesn't matter.

Your point is incorrect.

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#190636 - 11/09/07 05:18 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: Gerald2007]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
He did say that English wasn't his first language.

And that's not what I got from his post at all.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#190641 - 11/09/07 05:52 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: BJK]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11021
Loc: Denver, CO
"Do you have the same opinion that at age 13 you have the consciousness to distingiush the bed sexual intentions of older people?"

Genti,

This is very difficult because there are other factors mixed in with this. The dilemma with many abuse scenarios (not all), there is enough healthy touch mixed in with the bad touch to make the bad touch seem plausible and excusable. Take an abuser who is not violent: though they are still wrong in their actions, they may mix in some healthy touch that will fill a certain in the victim, even for a moment. Threats can also play a role in drawing compliance from the abused. Threats can even be withdrawal of "love" by the abuser, leaving the victim feeling devastated. Perhaps under a certain circumstance and profile of thought, a 13 -year-old can rebuff such an advance as you described, but I would have to consider that one rare.

Clarification of your statement has helped as well. I have a question for you: do you have a friend or family member who is a survivor of sexual abuse?

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#190644 - 11/09/07 06:20 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: FormerTexan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:

My point is that at 13 we were pretty aware about negativ sexual approaches of older people and we could have rejected them unless the force was use. Do you have the same opinion that at age 13 you have the consciousness to distingiush the bed sexual intentions of older people?


I think the important point of your question is whether a 13 year old has the "consciousness to distingiush the bed sexual intentions of older people". And in a word, I think the answer is "maybe". It depends on the individual. I know that I didn't. With perp #1 at age 12, I didn't understand what he was doing or why he was doing it. I was simply that clueless about anything sexual at that age. I've seen that concept expressed by many, many survivors here - "I didn't understand that what was being done to me was sexual."

And even at later ages, when a child understands the concept of sex, whether or not he can understand advances of a perp is still questionable. The last perp was when I was 16 and when he put his arm around me, I did not understand then that he had ulterior motives - I thought it was simply a friendly hug. In retrospect now, I know it was not. He was building up to the violation.

_________________________
Eddie

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#190646 - 11/09/07 06:48 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: EGL]
genti Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 5
Loc: MD
I did not want to create confusion with the question that I made and if so I apologise, I was just triggered from a previous topic when a 13 old boy does things to 16 years boy and vice-versa. I needed to be more specified in distinguishing molestation like fondling or touching at backside when at that age you could be confused on understanding what are the intentions of perpe. and doing oral sex and reciving oral sex from somebody else.
Andy, no I do not have a friend or family member who is a survivor of sexual molestation.

I am sorry once again for misunderstanding.


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#190752 - 11/10/07 10:27 AM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: genti]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I, personally, think the age differs from person to person, but one must always keep in mind that the element of power that always exists in sexual abuse cases might make a 13 year old engage in sexual acts that he might otherwise know are wrong.

And that is why a lot of the men here struggle. Knowingly entering into a sexual act makes a boy or a teen feel like they were an active part of their abuse, and they tend to take the blame for what transpired afterwards. However, just because a boy or a teen knows it is wrong and does it anyway does not mean that there should be any blame thrust on that teen for trying to, say, impress an authority figure.

The element of power runs deep.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#190775 - 11/10/07 02:09 PM Re: Age when you distinguish bad intentions! [Re: BJK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i think there is a valid point here. kids are starting to have sex younger now. it isnt unheard of for a 13 or 14 year old to willingly have sex. i think that does make the messages mixed a bit. if you think back to when you were 13 or 14 you idolized the older people in your school. if one of them shows interest in you sexually, how many would say no? i wouldnt. is that abuse then? not at all.


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