How can i,or how will i be able to have the kind of relationship with them i know will never happen yet desperately desire it.
I think you might've said it all right there, coop.
The subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse makes most people on this planet extremely uncomfortable. It's not your every day conversation about the weather or what you do for a living -- its very far outside of most people's comfort zone in terms of being able to talk about it - whether they've been through it or not.
It's only once we start talking about it with close friends or family, on this site, and other support resources like support groups that we can start to feel comfortable talking about it because we find a certain safety there and we find people who don't want to run at the very mention of CSA.
There is also something I notice about speaking with people... Those who have been through similar experiences -- those who have also been sexually abused -- tend to have a much, much deeper understanding of the pain and emotional toll that it takes.
I suspect what you are running into is a wall of discomfort and lack of understanding. Yet you crave the same relationship as you have here on the site with other survivors... or at least an attempt at similar depth. What you need to remember, however, is that outside of our 'support bubble' per-se, exists a stunning amount of ignorance by society towards the problems with which we suffer. It can be difficult to find those who are empathetic and caring enough not to start squirming at the mention of sexual abuse... Remember, according to society, Boys Don't Cry
. The notion that boys and men do have feelings, and do experience pain on an extreme level, is still an unrecognized and unacknowledged fact by a large part of society.
I would also be concerned for you trying to make a connection with a police officer. I'm not saying that all police officers are like this, but here goes... I live in a row house. There are 3 units in this very small 'complex' but whenever the 3 owners get together to discuss strata stuff, the police officer exhibits somewhat abnormal behaviour. She cracks jokes and stuff that... Well she makes it known that her usual social crowd is a group of "Man's Men". You know -- macho, tough, hardened... I think as a police officer you really need to put emotions away as you deal with your job. I think police officers deal with a lot of sick garbage and I have great respect for them to be able to do that. I think if I were a police officer, I'd have a great deal of difficulty turning on emotions in personal life, and switching off emotions at work. I know many of us do, but I suspect for Police Officers its to a bit more of an extreme. This might be a contributor as to why you are feeling like you've hit a wall with them.
So coop, I don't think they are avoiding the truth as much as not being able to understand the depth of what you've presented them with.
One thought I'll close this reply that I know is getting lengthy (sorry!) is that... It took me years to get over my own denial... and I was the one who was sexually abused! Did you ever have any denial of your own? Try and think back to how difficult it was to seek help that first time and all of those self-defeating statements that may have gone through your head. Give your family some more time to come around. It's not an easy topic to bring up for survivors, and especially for those who are not survivors. Don't give up -- some day you might just find a real connection within your family.
All the best,