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#190623 - 11/09/07 03:10 PM denial to protect "self "
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Denial in my family has been so obvious and although none(that i'm aware of anyway were abused on my fathers side) were abused i know that virtually most people go into some form of civil service ....cops,firefighters,lawyers,nurses,doctors....etc etc ...I have two first cousins who are not only brothers but cops as well my point is the very people who i want to be close with and have some form of bond i feel as though they want nothing to do with me.


When these cousins found out i was sexually abused (they were both police officers by this time) they did what they needed to protect themsleves in that they denied it and never once mentioned it,although one of them talked with me about surface stuff never the actual abuse and especially by whom it was.

Do you think it's their way of dealing with and avoiding the truth in that i knew these guys/kids/teenagers for most of their lives and now that they are cops is it rough for them to realize it's happened in their own backyard.


How can i,or how will i be able to have the kind of relationship with them i know will never happen yet desperately desire it.

We're all older now and seeing they both see and deal with essentially all the trauma and crime that are committed in society to think that it's happened and unable to do anything about it does it scare them,will it always be this way(they're both fairly new on the department(4years and 3yrs repectively)and although no one can definitively answer this loaded question i am simply wondering can this csa bring us closer seeing one of them is married with a child or otherwise keep their distance because not sure with themselves as a result of the abuse they know all about from their parents.

Finally both of their parents were like mom/dad to me and i had lots of issues as a kid therefore is it safe to say my family is still in denial or am i overthinking this however i have seen the avoidance and distance they keep afterall what do i expect,for them to come running to me and comfort and nuruture me.....i'm feeling real neglected although want to desperately be accepted....who knows i guess it is what it is and until "time" heals all wounds i believe "it" will never be the same.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#190768 - 11/10/07 01:32 PM Re: denial to protect "self " [Re: thecoopstah]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Hi Coop,
Denial in my own family is much the same and some of them, even myself were not willing to talk about it. I have only opened up about my abuse and I'm now 44. This has been the toughest part of my life that I have had to deal with. My mom "who I live with" is supportive but only superficially. She has shared with me a history of abuse that she is aware of in the family. A grandfather who was the abuser or his son and daughter. This is the first I have heard about it and I'm 44. I have an uncle by marriage who's wife "my blood aunt" was told by the ex-wife that he was an abuser, yet ignored that fact and still denies it.
I have always felt neglected, even before the CSA. I still feel that way today although not as much since I started working with a therapist. Nobody in my family is keen on talking about CSA or what our childhood was like. Growing up in an alcoholic family made us detached from the emotional bonds that we may have had had we learned to express our emotions. I want to be close but I need to lower my expectations of others. IMHO this all sucks. I wish it were different but its not. There are probably many who feel as you do here, please don't give up hope.
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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#190769 - 11/10/07 01:43 PM Re: denial to protect "self " [Re: GateKPR4]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Just a FYI, I just read this page and it helped me understand a bit more. http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#190779 - 11/10/07 02:46 PM Re: denial to protect "self " [Re: thecoopstah]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: thecoopstah
How can i,or how will i be able to have the kind of relationship with them i know will never happen yet desperately desire it.


I think you might've said it all right there, coop.

The subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse makes most people on this planet extremely uncomfortable. It's not your every day conversation about the weather or what you do for a living -- its very far outside of most people's comfort zone in terms of being able to talk about it - whether they've been through it or not.

It's only once we start talking about it with close friends or family, on this site, and other support resources like support groups that we can start to feel comfortable talking about it because we find a certain safety there and we find people who don't want to run at the very mention of CSA.

There is also something I notice about speaking with people... Those who have been through similar experiences -- those who have also been sexually abused -- tend to have a much, much deeper understanding of the pain and emotional toll that it takes.

I suspect what you are running into is a wall of discomfort and lack of understanding. Yet you crave the same relationship as you have here on the site with other survivors... or at least an attempt at similar depth. What you need to remember, however, is that outside of our 'support bubble' per-se, exists a stunning amount of ignorance by society towards the problems with which we suffer. It can be difficult to find those who are empathetic and caring enough not to start squirming at the mention of sexual abuse... Remember, according to society, Boys Don't Cry. The notion that boys and men do have feelings, and do experience pain on an extreme level, is still an unrecognized and unacknowledged fact by a large part of society.

I would also be concerned for you trying to make a connection with a police officer. I'm not saying that all police officers are like this, but here goes... I live in a row house. There are 3 units in this very small 'complex' but whenever the 3 owners get together to discuss strata stuff, the police officer exhibits somewhat abnormal behaviour. She cracks jokes and stuff that... Well she makes it known that her usual social crowd is a group of "Man's Men". You know -- macho, tough, hardened... I think as a police officer you really need to put emotions away as you deal with your job. I think police officers deal with a lot of sick garbage and I have great respect for them to be able to do that. I think if I were a police officer, I'd have a great deal of difficulty turning on emotions in personal life, and switching off emotions at work. I know many of us do, but I suspect for Police Officers its to a bit more of an extreme. This might be a contributor as to why you are feeling like you've hit a wall with them.

So coop, I don't think they are avoiding the truth as much as not being able to understand the depth of what you've presented them with.

One thought I'll close this reply that I know is getting lengthy (sorry!) is that... It took me years to get over my own denial... and I was the one who was sexually abused! Did you ever have any denial of your own? Try and think back to how difficult it was to seek help that first time and all of those self-defeating statements that may have gone through your head. Give your family some more time to come around. It's not an easy topic to bring up for survivors, and especially for those who are not survivors. Don't give up -- some day you might just find a real connection within your family.

All the best,
~Brian

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#190793 - 11/10/07 04:31 PM Re: denial to protect "self " [Re: thecoopstah]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Yes, denial can be strong.

I posted on the member's side about my mother's family. Many of them are still in denial about the fact that abuse occurred in that family, but what hurts the most for me, as a survivor, are the members of my own family who are in denial about it...namely my father.

My father has a hard time believing that the woman he was married to for 15 years was such a vile bitch. He refuses to believe that she could commit such atrocities under his own roof. He is in denial, and will probably remain that way until the day he dies, because it is too painful for him to deal with the truth. Now, since I can't change the way he thinks, it is my job to take from him what I can and to leave the rest of it behind.

Yes, I am angry at him because of his denial, but my relationship with him has taught me a lot about how to deal with the rest of my friends and acquaintances.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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