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#190476 - 11/08/07 05:14 PM Is age difference enough?
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Even after over 4 years of dealing with my "abuse", I still can't really totally rectify it in my mind as abuse. I think my biggest hurdle in this is that I don't remember much well. I have a sense of what I believe happened but the only thing I'm pretty sure happened was **triggers possible** oral sex (him to me and me to him) and I do remember attempted anal sex (him to me) where he began and as soon as he started it was painful and I sprang across the bed. This happened between me and my older brother I was 13 and in 7th grade (was left back). He was 16 1/2 and a junior in high school. And I'm wondering if that is enough that regardless of if what I thought happened actually happened if it would be abuse based on the age difference alone.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#190481 - 11/08/07 05:39 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: onlyakid]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Great topic:
In my mind your older brother did sexual abuse you. I don't think the age difference has anything to do with what he did to you. When he tried to have sex with you he abused you.

I was also sexual abused by my older brother and his friend. He is only 4 years older than me. AT the onset I didn't even know what sex was, but soon learned that sex was not fun at all. He and his friend made me do so many things to them and they to me over some 5 years. It has haunted me for ever and finally am getting some help through individaul therapy and group therapy. I know I will be able to cope better with help. The memories and nightmares presently are over whelming.
KEN

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#190494 - 11/08/07 07:12 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: KENKEN]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
my brother is 2 years older-----------------------i was about 9 or 10-when he started screwing me-------------he convinced me to do this----------------------cant recall how masny years it lasted----------------------at least 2---------------our dad caught him doing me once------------------i got yelled at------------sent to my room-------------nothing was ever said again-----------------------no one cared to see if i was ok------------just suck it up -------------live with it--------------couldnt figure out why my life was so messed up------------------had flash back about 6 years ago----------------now i know


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#190512 - 11/08/07 08:41 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: sabata]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Ken when you say tried to have sex, I assume you are referring to the anal sex? You know it never dawned on me. Now that I think about it, I don't believe that I would have ever consented to anal sex, if I even said "ok" or "yes", I don't think I would have fully understood the situation. I guess I kind of dismissed that because he stopped and I believe said he was sorry. I remember being angry at him and trying to do it to him, I of course couldn't do that for whatever reason, I remember asking him something to the effect of "Is it in?"

Thanks Ken, I think I have to focus more on the anal sex attempt in therapy. This would also explain my fascination with anal sex in gay porn.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#190529 - 11/08/07 10:37 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

Apart from legal considerations, sexual abuse is all about one person's misuse of his power over another, and yes, a boy 16 1/2 years old would be a lot more mature that a 13 year old and would be able to manipulate him in all sorts of ways. For example, offering to take himn cool places or let him join in fun activities, or just paying attention to him. Little brothers usually yearn for validation and acceptance by their big brothers.

The power aspect comes into play because it's all up to the big brother what the price for this acceptance will be. He can betray his little brother's trust and gain sex from him, often just because the little brother doesn't want to look stupid, be excluded, etc.

Another aspect of this, Jason, is that no, it isn't likely that you would have thought up the idea of oral or anal sex on your own. A 13 yo will usually be still too young to see anything erotic or arousing about either of these.

So yes, even if you consented, the problem is that you were too young to give consent in the first place, did not understand what you were agreeing to, and were probably not in a position to say "no" without losing a lot that was important to you.

How you feel about what happened is something you have to decide, but yes, you were sexually abused.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190535 - 11/08/07 11:00 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: roadrunner]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Jason,

The difference between 13 and 161/2 is huge.

You are not responsible for being abused. This is something we must repeat to ourselves ...over and over again.

Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#190586 - 11/09/07 10:45 AM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: Gerald2007]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Gerald:
Yea, you are so right on. The more I think about what my brother did to me physically, he also screwed up my mind and that is what hurts the most now. My life will never ever be sane again. It really hurts to know how one guy or gal can mess up someone's life for ever. The saying "I'm in jail for a crime I didn't commit" is so true. Wonder if I will ever be able to live out my life without guilt and shame.
Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#190588 - 11/09/07 11:16 AM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: KENKEN]
apache01 Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 2
the difference between 13 and 16 is as big as f he was a lot older just becaue you are so young, it doesnt really matter at all how much older the other person is if they understand what they are doing


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#190593 - 11/09/07 12:16 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: apache01]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Ken,
Isn't living our lives without guilt and shame about being abused is what recovery is all about?

It may be easy for some of us to intellectually understand this. The hard part is knowing it in our soul, and feeling it with our bodies.

Repeating: I am not resonsible for having been abused!

Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#190608 - 11/09/07 01:20 PM Re: Is age difference enough? [Re: Gerald2007]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ken,

Originally Posted By: KENKEN
My life will never ever be sane again. It really hurts to know how one guy or gal can mess up someone's life for ever.


I'd just like to assure you that it does get a LOT better. I no longer feel screwed up and lost like I once did, and I can see that there is a lot of progress I can still make. Please try to watch out for those feelings that you are doomed to this forever. You aren't! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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