Mark - I closed myself off to showing any feeling about anything at a very early age. It wasn't that I didn't feel anything, I just shoved it as deep as I could, without even realising that I was doing it. This included the accidental death of a best friend when I was 15, also many relatives over the years. I suppose I just didn't want to feel hurt ever again, so if I didn't feel anything, I wouldn't feel hurt!
Eventually, everything I had ever held back, just more or less downloaded in one go. It was over 3 decades after I had been abused, and I realised that my great nephew could be in danger from the same abuser. I got to feel more than I ever wanted to, and had 2 minor and 1 major breakdowns before I got to the point where I could finally go to the police.
All I'm saying, is that if you are feeling something, but blocking it, it's best to let it out. Putting it behind a wall doesn't help in the long run.
Best wishes ...Rik
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!