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#190036 - 11/05/07 11:17 AM "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ???
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
I have a personal question I would like to ask.
My husband is a survivor and we have of course an odd sex life, at least I think so...."my husband is the only one I have ever been with, so I know no different"....For the first 3 years of our marriage I felt used...this is before everything came out about his addiction to porn and strip clubs. I have known about his abuse our whole relationship, so I knew it had to do with the abuse. However now things are different. He is still in the vital stages of recovery. Things are much better, but my question is.....When we are in the middle...he wants me to touch around his anal region...I do not do this!!!! I feel umcomfortable not knowing if I am making the wrong choice... Am I not pleasing him by saying no? or is it right that I don't want to explore anything out of normal,,,because I think about his abuse....At least that is what cross's my mind at that time.
He want's to do other things to, I give in a little to it...even though I am uncomfortable. I just don't want to be the wife who is boring, or that does not fulfill his urges, needs, wants. He is very considerate of my needs, and lovemaking is better then ever. However is my thinking right or wrong with how I feel..should I not be connecting it with his abuse. Does anyone have the same issue at all. Like I said I have no idea...he is the only man I ever kissed, and the only one to ever lay a hand on me. I don't know what a normal healthy sex life is! I do want to do things to please him, but with his past porn addiction and strip club addiction, I feel uncomfortable as well. I get flash backs sometimes when I try and it ruins the whole mood. Ahhh it's hard to explain, I guess maybe I should talk to my theripist.

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#190060 - 11/05/07 05:49 PM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ??? [Re: Amanda_D]
themanistroubled Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/05/07
Posts: 3
i am also partner to a survivor. I dont know really but generally I think you should not do anything in bed you are not happy with..for yourself. You could talk to him about how you feel about this. A lot of people who have not been sexually abused also like touching around the anus. If you don't like something you need to say. I think most men look at porn at some time too(and some women) I used to take it as a real insult but I dont now. I think talking to each other is the key about what you both like and do not like but at the same time making it clear that if you are not comfortable with anmything it must not happen. Hope this helps and isnt too much. Good luck with it.


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#190125 - 11/06/07 01:29 AM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ??? [Re: themanistroubled]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Amanda,

I agree with themanistroubled above, in that you should feel coerced into doing something you are uncomfortable with - the whole point of lovemaking should be that you BOTH are enjoying each other, not that one is being used by the other. This may be an area where you have to set boundaries and have a frank discussion with your husband about what you do and do not enjoy. At the same time, letting him know what you really DO enjoy and how that makes you feel. If I had to guess, I would say the things he is wanting from you that you are uncomfortable with are probably related to the abuse. And it can set up for some very unhealthy "re-enacting" scenarios in the mind.

_________________________
Eddie

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#190286 - 11/07/07 12:37 AM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ??? [Re: EGL]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Amanda, you should only do what is comfortable to you. I don't think your husband wants you to abuse him, I think he is just looking for some additional stimulus. But you do need to talk to him about this, it could be that this is part of what his brother did to him, ( read your other messages), or it could be what his first girlfriend did, you need to know.

If I am reading between the lines correctly here, one of your questions is what is normal sex? A good book to start answering this question is, Dr. Ruth's guide to good sex by Dr. Ruth Westheimer. This is a older book (1983), so you will have to go to a used book store to find it. I think that you will find it a easy read, she puts you at ease.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#190368 - 11/07/07 05:46 PM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ??? [Re: lostcowboy]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
thanks so much everyone for all your input...

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#190505 - 11/08/07 08:06 PM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ?? [Re: Amanda_D]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Amanda and welcome.

Quote:
I don't know what a normal healthy sex life is!


A normal sex life is what two people agree on, nothing more, nothing less. What may be boring or deviant to some is exactly what others want. No one can tell you what "normal" is in your bedroom. The key is that both people are on the same page. Trying new things in a committed relationship is more than OK, it's necessary to maintain the passion however, trying something once doesn't mean you have to do it again if you don't like it or it makes you uncomfortable. You also don't have to try anything at all if it just goes against the grain. That doesn't make you boring it just means that you have limits and everyone is entitled to that.

It's hard to talk about sex, even when you've been together for a long time, but I really think it's a necessary part of any relationship. Sex should never be the biggest part of a relationship, but it is an important part of one. Just as you wouldn't hesitate to talk to your husband about your savings plan or where the kids will go to school, talking to him about your sex life has a place too. It's a tough conversation to get started, I'll give you that, but I think you would be very pleasantly surprised at how it could work out once you do.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#190543 - 11/08/07 11:17 PM Re: "Personal" In the bed with survivor Husband ?? [Re: Trish4850]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
preach it sister.

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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