my mother's family has always been (and will probably always be) very close. my father's family is the opposite. my grandfather lived a half mile from his brother - they never spoke. my father and his brother never speak. i won't even get into me and my three.

the only close relative i had on my father's side passed tonight. at one time we were best of friends - he was one of the few people who could have me in stitches laughing for hours.

last couple years we drifted apart some - but kinda stayed in touch. couple months ago he left his wife - past few days i guess he's been drinking pretty much non-stop...

anyhoo - i know i should feel something - but i don't. it's like there's nothing inside me left to grieve with. i'm completely numb. i don't miss him - it's like i heard some guy i'd never met died.

i hate the way i feel. or, more precisely, DON'T feel.

right now, i pretty much hate everything. no - more don't care about anything. i don't even feel hate any more.

M

maybe my next T appointment will be helpful.

i never knew feeling nothing could be so awful.

m

Mark:
Sorry to hear about the passing of a relative of yours. I am certainly not in a position to give you advise or help. Just want to let you know that I will be thinking of you and your family. Our emotions can really get the best of us. But maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a better day for you. Sometimes I feel I have to just get through one day at a time. If I can do that, then I have accomplished at least something.
Glad to have you as a friend.
Ken

Mark - I closed myself off to showing any feeling about anything at a very early age. It wasn't that I didn't feel anything, I just shoved it as deep as I could, without even realising that I was doing it. This included the accidental death of a best friend when I was 15, also many relatives over the years. I suppose I just didn't want to feel hurt ever again, so if I didn't feel anything, I wouldn't feel hurt!

Eventually, everything I had ever held back, just more or less downloaded in one go. It was over 3 decades after I had been abused, and I realised that my great nephew could be in danger from the same abuser. I got to feel more than I ever wanted to, and had 2 minor and 1 major breakdowns before I got to the point where I could finally go to the police.

All I'm saying, is that if you are feeling something, but blocking it, it's best to let it out. Putting it behind a wall doesn't help in the long run.

Best wishes ...Rik

Mark,

My first thought is that you shouldn't get down on yourself for this. Suppression of feelings is a common survivor tactic, and one we get very good at. The art of feeling feelings again isn't something we can turn on like the lights, but it is something we can gradually restore. The trick is to do it without being emotionally flooded and overwhelmed.

Your T is the best person to talk to about this; s/he will be able to help you get through the minefield without getting blown up.

Much love,
Larry

Thanx guys, but if it were just me suppressing feelings i don't think it would bother me as much. i know what that is - and i have done it often thru the years. but death of someone close has never been so empty feeling before. i wept openly at my mother's funeral - friend's passing has had the same response. but those were before i started actively working on my "recovery".

if i'm suppressing now, it's subconscious. all i know is i have no emotion around this. and it bothers me. greatly.

m