Cement:

Thanks, that's another good point. I learned the hard way not to tell my wife every fine detail of every single event. It's more pain than she can or needs to bear. She knows what she needs to know.

Right now my T knows more but even he doesn't know it all, not all the little details. We're both fine with that.

That journal comes in mighty handy...

Wuame

Hi!

I want to say that the more i recover the more i dare take initiatives and have opinions of my own.
A big issue for me is the feeling of guilt and shame and this feeling is enhanced by the fact that my dad always played the role of the guilty one or martyr. Even though he was my abuser, as a married man myself i can easily identify with him and his roleplay.
My wife has a tendency to play on those feelings. It goes automatically.
As we recover and find that little by little we can allow ourselves moments without being repressed by shame and disgust or uncleanliness i think we face something very different. For me this seems to imply a whole set of new things and it includes how i view my wife and it has impact on our relationship. Suddenly it becomes clear that i sometimes get to play the victim.
I think it is important that we dare to take the conflicts as they arise. It means that we have our own judgement and our wives should love us for that. It ought to be more interesting now when we are more independent and thinking individuals.
By now i am way off the subject.

I agree that perhaps it may not be a good idea to tell everything. But your wife's inquiries as to your not having told before seem futile, redundant and they only do harm. She ought to commend you for finally having told and not scold you.
Conflicts will arise and if she loves you for the free man you will become she really loves YOU. If it turns out that she is in love with an abusive pattern, well as hard as it is she doesn't see much of you, she needs to fulfil herself with confirmation. This means that deep down she is a very insecure woman herself.

I wish you all the best,

Erik

BoyNoMore
I think Erik's spot on here

however hard that might seem.
And it's probably going to take a lot to change that attitude, and in the end only we can effect change on ourselves. It's no use someone telling you what to do, we've got to want to change. And you're wife will be no different.

But change can be discussed, debated and encouraged.
And if you are well informed about what you want for both of you, the easier it's going to be.

Talk till you drop, explain and explain again but remember that the most important thing is empathy, we need it and so do others.
If you've gone through the trauma of testifying, and enough recovery to be where you are, you know the why's and wherefore's of SA, share that wealth of knowledge with her.

Lloydy

Erik

Isn't this a major thing to overcome though ?
As we progress we suddenly find ourselves faced with all kinds of new abilities, and as conflicts and troubles arise instead of avoiding them and retreating into our old behaviours we now find ourselves dealing with them - sometimes not so well - but we try - and using the new things we've learned.

And even if we don't always get it right, yes - it's good to be loved for trying to become more interesting, independant, thinking individuals than we were.

Here's to trying. Lloydy

The responses have been extremely helpful to me to try to figure out my own wife. It has been really difficult especially since I faced the abuse head on 34 years into a marriage and 45 years since the abuse. She doesn't understand. It did not help things that I acted out, I had to figure myself out. I can now, thanks to this group and the retreat, not be ashamed, face it all talk about it all to anyone including her. We are working on things and I have come to realize that there is really no easy way for a spouse to face it other than through time. We were there, we felt the trama, we felt the betrayal, it is hard to convey to someone else. Be strong, you among friends, friends that have been there done that.

Ernie:

Glad to hear it! Another example of how our supportive sharing helps us all. Wish you well in your efforts.

Wuame