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#190341 - 11/07/07 11:24 AM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: trusty]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: trusty
Scott,
I went to see my brother to confront him three years ago. That didn't bring much satisfaction because he didn't really come back with much. So, a year later, I went to my childhood home, hoping to see my house where I grew up. To my shock, the house had been torn down. I drove up, in a cold, pouring rain, and there was a strange house sitting there where my house used to stand...kind of an odd metaphor for moving on I suppose? So, then, I drove over to the house where I was born. Got out of the car, went around back, in the rain, to the back yard where I used to play. They had built a garage that literally filled the tiny backyard. This guy was in the garage, doing some woodworking. He talked my ear off about his gun cabinets and stuff. Ruined it for me...not at all what I imagined what the experience would be.

I totally understand your thoughts about the places of your abuse. Now that I'm in deep therapy over my abuse and the resultant depression, I've been having tons of dreams about the now torn-down house, my parents, and the actual space where the abuse occured...the upstairs bedrooms where the five of us boys lived. It's totally weird.

And, yes...cbfull...everything WAS much smaller.

Hang tough.

Russ


Russ,

I'm sorry everything didn't go as you had hoped. I know that if it were me, I would have been disappointed to not get the answers/closure I was looking for.

Thank-you very much for sharing your experiences. You have helped me better understand how I should be approaching my situation.

Thanks,

Scott


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#190342 - 11/07/07 11:27 AM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: BruisedSpirit]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Guys,
I wonder, after reading about your experiences, if how I approach these healing events might be keeping me from getting everything out of them as I could.

What I mean is, I tend to express things as absolutes. Like when I was planning my disclosure to my GF, in my mind I would tell myself "once I disclose, things will be better". Well, disclosing helped me, and things did get slightly better, but it wasn't the life altering event I had built it up to be.

I'm trying to not do the same thing here. I'm trying not to tell myself things like: "Once I visit this place, I will have closure" or "Once I see this place, I will be able to understand why things happened the way they did". I'm trying to approach this like it will be just another piece to the puzzle. It will help, but it won't fix everything.

What do you think?

Scott


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#190396 - 11/07/07 11:06 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: BruisedSpirit]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Scott,

It certainly seems like you have decided you still wish to revisit that old house. When will be when you are ready.

I think you’ve thought through very well the impact (or lack thereof) of making these milestones in your recovery e.g. telling your GF. I know so many of us do the mental gymnastics of “what will they say? How will I respond to xx? How will I feel afterwards, what will it end up achieving?” etc etc.

As you’ve already found, the outcomes are most often not what we envisaged. They can be better, neutral, or sometimes less favourable. To approach each of these events with as neutral a mind as possible I think is the ideal. How well you end up preparing yourself in that regard is another matter altogether!

I guess, try and not expect anything but know that it is important for you to do. I think the overriding thing here is that it’s what you feel you need to do. Perhaps the outcomes are immaterial. Maybe it’s in the doing?


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#190596 - 11/09/07 12:25 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: Grunty1967b]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I've decided to try and go again tomorrow.

I'm feeling apprehensive, but, at the same time, I truly feel like this is the right thing for me to do.

I guess we'll see.


Scott


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#190600 - 11/09/07 12:57 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: BruisedSpirit]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Scott,

I was near the place where I was abused yesterday and a couple of days before. The fact is my grandfather lives there, and I was visiting him for a vacation.

I had gone to that place many times, but only once I was where the abuse exactly happened. I was with two friends at the time.

It was difficult to went there, and I was feeling weak after visiting that place, but in the long run this is ok, and I think I did a good job.

Good luck to you.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#190603 - 11/09/07 01:07 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: alexey]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

Whenever you go it will be a risk, but if you have your girlfriend with you that will help a lot, that's for sure. But here's a suggestion.

Before you go, talk to her about how you feel and what you hope to get out of the visit. Maybe you don't know right now, but look inside and ask yourself why this visit is important to you. Is it a symbolic confrontation of the abuser, an effort to show yourself it's all over and in the past, or what?

After the visit, talk things over with your girlfriend, if you can, and see how you feel then. Also, talk it over here, if you feel you can do that, and let the guys here help you process.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190614 - 11/09/07 02:03 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: roadrunner]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I have been thinking about little else all week.

I know there are very real risks. I have asked myself why I want to do this, and every time I ask, I come up with a different answer. My latest answer is that I think I need to physically connect with this place in order to move forward. All I have right now are things I can't physically touch. Flashes of memories, dreams and feelings in my gut. Although these are real, I think I need something else to help me put them all together.

I could be completely wrong and I may not accomplish anything positive by going there, but I feel like until I do I will never know for sure.


Scott


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#190733 - 11/10/07 02:33 AM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: BruisedSpirit]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

Your feelings about this remind me of my experience back in 2005, when I began feeling that I just HAD to go back to PA and tell my Dad what had happened to me. But at that time I couldn't put my finger exactly on WHY this was eating at me. That only became clear after I had actually done it.

Perhaps you are in a similar situation. I would say go for it, so long as you have someone safe with you and have given some serious thought to the possibilities and the risks.

This sounds like one that isn't going to leave you alone until you make your move.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#191135 - 11/12/07 11:16 AM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: roadrunner]
BruisedSpirit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 192
Loc: Ontario, Canada
******TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!******

Events leading to and including my visit to the place where I had been abused...








About a week and a half ago I started feeling like I needed to visit the place where I had been abused as a child. At the time I didn't know why, I just felt like I needed to do it. A few days later, as I was driving around with my girlfriend, I drove by the place without having really planned on going there. I did not stop the car, I just drove by. For the next week I tried to make sense of what I was feeling (you guys helped me through this) and I decided, with the help of my girlfriend, to go again this weekend.

Early Saturday morning we drove to the school I attended from the age of four to the age of eleven. I parked the car and we walked around the school to the back where the playground/sports fields are located.

The first thing I noticed was how much everything had changed. We walked through the playground and off of school property to a park area managed by the city. This is the park I had to walk through in order to get to/from school.

It is also the place of my abuse.

As we walked further away from the school, and closer to the exact spot, I started to get more nervous. I noticed that my breathing was becoming shallow and I was only seeing what was directly in front of me. It was like tunnel vision.

Again, things had changed and everything looked different to me.

We walked to the spot where the large old tree used to stand, the tree is no longer there.

This is where it happened.


I looked around and started to see everything around me in greater detail.

I felt very exposed at that moment.

I saw a man standing in the park, he was at least 100 meters away.

Is he staring at me?

Can he tell why I'm here?

I was extremely uncomfortable.

My girlfriend and I only stood there for a few minutes and then I turned quickly to walk away. I had originally turned to begin walking back towards the car but when I turned, something changed. Something stopped me from walking away. Instead, I turned around again and began walking further away from the car, towards the far end of the park where it ends at a street. This is how I used to walk to/from school.

We reached the street and continued walking until we were in front of the house where I grew up. My parents still live there.

I didn't know why we were there.

As we walked towards the house and up the front steps, the door opened and my father stood there in the doorway. Again, this just happened, I had not planned going to visit. In fact, I had purposely parked the car close to the school so that I wouldn't see anyone I knew before or after I visited the site of my abuse.

Up went my protective wall again. I couldn't let my parents see me this raw and exposed. I tried to hide the fact that I was upset.

We exchanged greetings and I came up with a lame story about what we were doing there. We sat around and talked for a while and I started to relax a little. Then something else happened.

My father picked up a section from the newspaper and handed it to me. He asked me if I recognized the face in the picture. I looked down, and right there above the picture of a man I did not recognize, read a headline announcing the involvement of a local church in a sex abuse scandal.

I didn't know what to say.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe he was talking about a different picture. There was another picture of a young girl...does she look familiar? Maybe that was the picture my father was asking about.

I tried not to act different. I tried not to let my emotions show. I said that the girl did not look familiar.

My father said, "No, not her. The man from the other story."

Shit.

"No", I said, "He doesn't look familiar"

I should have stopped there, but I didn't.

Instead, I asked: "Why? Should he look familiar?"


As it turns out, my father thought this was the same man who lived across the street from us when we first moved to the neighborhood.

The man who lived across from us had been accused of abusing his step daughter.

My head was spinning.

I quickly changed the subject and then looked at my watch to make it seem like we had to leave.

We quickly put on our shoes and we left.

I didn't know what to think about what just happened. I hope my parents didn't notice my reaction. I have not disclosed to them, and for complicated reasons, I do not plan on disclosing to them.

During the walk back to the car, my GF asked if she could ask me some questions. She was concerned about my reaction to the story in the newspaper. She said that she noticed an immediate change in my behavior and was worried that my parents may have noticed as well.

When we reached the car I just sat there. I seemed to zone out for what felt like hours, but in reality it was only a minute or two. Once I came back to my senses I drove back home.


I have been trying to understand everything that has gone on the last couple of weeks. Maybe I'm crazy, but I can't help but feel like there is a greater force at work here. I do not believe in coincidences and I feel like there has to be a reason for things happening the way have been.

I'm stumbling on a few key points...

1. The desire to visit the place of my abuse just comes to me one day.

2. I just happened to drive by the park without having planned it.

3. I decide to go and see the place but nothing else.

4. Instead of walking back to my car, something makes me walk all the way to my parents house.

5. While at my parents house I'm confronted with this story from the newspaper.

6. I find out details about a perp who lived right across the street.


All these things are swimming around in my head.

And here I sit trying to get work done...









Edited by BruisedSpirit (11/12/07 11:16 AM)

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#191163 - 11/12/07 03:39 PM Re: maybe next time I'll do it [Re: BruisedSpirit]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scott - I went back fo the first time a few years ago. I think it was around May 2004. I made a post here, I think it was called '2 Steps Forward', however I cannot find it as I can only find posts going back to when the site format changed.

It was a very positive step for me, and I went back several more times afterwards and updated the post as I did so.

The place holds no fear form, and has lost some of it's tarnish. It wasn't the place that did things to me, it was the perv!

*PS if anyone can dig my post out of the archive, it may be beneficial to post a link here! (THANKS).

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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