After I was perped by a pedo neighbor living down the street at the age of 9, I was ok for a couple years, "stable", one could say. My grades were ok I think...........

Then when puberty hit me at age 12 in sixth grade, I started a downward spiral. Unlike so many of you, I did not become a "people pleaser" so that everyone would "like me". Oh, no. I took the exact opposite path, I stopped giving a shit about anything. I didn't give a shit about my grades, my future, my body, my dignity. Smoking, drinking, marijuana, isolation, and keeping it all to myself became the norm for me.

It's too bad though, I'm thinking that if I became the "people pleasing" type of survivor I might have made something of myself many years ago. I'm not DWELLING on this, just making a note of this tragic chapter in my life.

That's one thing I can't figure out about a lot of you guys. In the shadow of your abuse, so many of you had STRIVEN for approval and attention from your parents and your teachers. I stopped giving a shit about anything.

I've come to think that perhaps, because of the fact that the first time that I had tried to disclose the abuse at age 9, and was laughed at and ridiculed for it, that I saw only futility in seeking the support and approval of others..........hell I don't know.

Hauser,

When my abuse began at the age of 7, I did not tell anyone. I wonder what would have happened if I had. Would I have been taken seriously? I really don't know. All I can say is if I had tried to disclose about my abuse at the age of 9 and been laughed at and ridiculed for it, I probably would have reacted the same as you.

Scott

Alan,

I didn't tell anyone. But I was ridiculed and never taken seriously about anything, so maybe that was part of the reason. I do know when I made Honor Roll in high school and my parents didn't care that I also quit caring then. By the time I graduated I was passing classes with C's only because I knew the "discipline" that would occur if they dropped lower. The only "people pleasing" I've been known for has been in sexual terms - another tie to my abuse? Dunno.

I think you hit the target with your last sentence. When we are presented with ridicule for something that matters to us as boys, I think the response to just quit caring is understandable.

M

Hauser,

I would say this is a sign of some maturity on your part in your early adolescence. For me, I struggled in school but as you said, strived to please people. By the time I was 17 I had gotten so good at putting on the mask, but started to find that the downfall of the mask was feeling completely numb.

Fast forward a few years, I stopped caring about much of anything. Now that I have begun the healing process I have days and weeks where I find myself not caring about anything. Feeling nothing more than self destructive and just wanting to toss it in. I have days now where I just want to walk away from my marriage... I have days where I intentionally get myself drunk because I am so tired of people pleasing.

I guess for me, wearing the mask, and people pleasing is the path I chose... It too wears thin after some time, and after all this time I've found myself craving that lifestyle of not giving a shit about anything...

The fact of the matter is; we all have our coping mechanisms. For you it was smoking drinking marijuana and isolation to name a few. I think coping mechanisms only get us so far in this world; Eventually they will all crumble and leave us dealing with our wounds of the past.

I'd say you're very perceptive in terms of what happened after that first disclosure for you. Why please people if that's what people are? The lessons we learned at that tender age have such a massive impact on us throughout life.

Thanks for the post Hauser.
~Brian