It has been a few years since I have been to this site, but I just need somebody, anybody, to know that I exist. I am 29 now and live at home with my mom. I have no friends, am on medication, and am on Social Security Disability. I am ashamed that I live at home, don't have a job, and am currently on medication. I can't remember my SA but know it happened as sure as the sun will rise in the east. I am so lonely and scared. I am terrified of people even my own family members that I love dearly. I feel as if have sinned against the nature of life by not having one. Tomorrow is yesterday, and I will wake up and eat, watch tv, and go to bed. It is even harder to have compassion for myself because I am intelligent and expect so much more from myself. I feel ashamed for taking money from the government when I am smart and am mentally capable of so much. I am just so emotionally stunted. I am so lonely because nobody really knows who I am, not my mom or other family members. They just know the shell of a person that I show them, and they don't really have a clue as to who I am, since I have become quite good at not showing any emotion. Sometimes I am scared that I will die someday and no one will ever know me. I care so much for everybody, but I can't even help myself. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to write this down so somebody might read it and realize that I am alive.

maynard,
you're not alone- i'm not on disability, but the reason why is probably the same as what you say you hate about it. I'm not on meds, but i VERY much know what it feels like to be considered "bright" or full of potential, and yet have all the baggage get in the way. I have a tendency to reflexively reassure people, and since i am skilled w/ words and reading cues, i cannot but barely let others in, and yet hate myself for continuing to be an emotional and material drain on others.
This site has been very helpful to me, i'm still a mess but i know to at least give myself a chance before my mind or my will to keep going snaps in two. Perhaps your armor is now a prison, but coming here and posting tells me all cannot possibly be lost.
I see you and recognize a fellow traveler in paradox and torment- it's not too late. Welcome my unknown friend.

Thanks for the reply dgoods. You are right about my armor becoming a prison. Not only does it not allow others in, it also does not let me out. It feels good to be back here where I can say what I really think and feel.

Maynard,

I am aware of my abuse, not on benefits or meds but apart from those differences (and who cares about them anyway) you are describing so much of me.

You seem aware of all these things – how you protect yourself by being a closed book yet have a deep love and concern for those around you, how you long for a family yet feel great turmoil that this hasn’t happened yet. I could go on but there’s’ no point repeating your post.

What I see is that you have a very good understanding about yourself. You may not be happy with things the way they are at present but let me tell you, you are streets ahead by acknowledging all this.

I certainly lived many parts of my life like yours but without even having a clue about the what, the why or anything else. I simply existed from day to day in a deep sense of shame and sadness.

I’m glad you’re back here. Maybe if you feel to, you can spend some more time here getting to know us again and letting us know you. We’re all here for each other. This site is not about selling things like e-bay. It’s about each of us getting what we need and supporting others as we can.

Thank you for posting in your vulnerability.

I can relate completely.

Stunted is the perfect word that i couldn't find.

Thank the three of you for articulating all of this so I can see that i'm not by myself in being alone.

Maynard,

I remember your heartfelt and deeply honest and soul-searching posts back in 2005 and I'm so glad you're back. I hope you will stay with us and give things a chance. I know all the issues you mention are rough and seem impossible, but hey, recovery is often about making the impossible possible.

Much love,
Larry

Roadrunner thanks for the reply. I remember you from back in 2005, and if my memory serves me correctly you weren't a mod then. Thanks for being here for those of us having tough times, and I hope you are doing well.

maynard,

welcome back to the site

I haven't been here long enough to remember the previous time you were here, but it sounds to me as though your mind is seeking change. I can identify alot with only showing people a shell of who I actually am... I did exactly that for so many years and now that I've dropped the masks, or the shell, life is so much less exhausting. I don't feel like I have to hide any more... Those walls that once protected me had become my prison. It takes a great deal of effort and a leap of blind faith to leave the walls, but its well worth it.

I hope you can soon let those in your life know you are alive as well -- because you have much to offer the world

~Brian