It's taken over fourty years to finally understand the root of my compulsions and lack of trust. The male adults who were supposed to protect me and model appropriate behavior were either absent, drugged, or (physically, emotionally and sexually)abusive. The adult women in my life were the same. For years I tried to please, and be a good brother, friend, and student. Nevertheless, I was sexually abused by my brother, my best friend, and a high school biology teacher. I also witnessed the sexual abuse of boyhood freinds from bigger boys. The trauma has followed me since childhood and now has come forward to be healed...
I'll never forget the shame, guilt, and anger. Surprisingly my anger wasn't aimed at the offender, rather I directed it toward my self for not putting up a fight, resistance...something!
All I remember is numbing out...forgetting...pretending it was nothing...except that my soul ached in shame and disgust....but
Who could I tell? No one was around. I was so scared and felt terribly alone.....
anyway, here I am..A SURVIVOR. I don't know how God? did it but here I am. I hope to learn from others here. Thank You

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In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus