Thanks, guys. Larry - that's a cool visual because I know you guys understand it so well.

I re-read this poem last night, it's the first time I've re-read it since I wrote it and posted it. As I re-read it, there were a couple of places that still really evoked an intense emotional response from me, made the tears well up. They were:



I felt a lot of hurt when I read that, hurt that someone I liked and admired so much was seeing all this happening, understanding full well how vulnerable I was (he was a psychologist by trade), and yet he used that vulnerability to exploit me. What a fucking betrayal.



As I read that, it made me remember all the ways I was a failure to my real father. All the ways I never could measure up, all the ways I would never be "acceptable". That hurts to think about, because I know there was really very little I could do to change that way of thinking in him. Basically, it's the "It's not my fault" thing, but that still doesn't make it hurt very much less.

Eddie,

You were always 100% okay bro, as a little boy, as teenager Eddie, and now as adult Eddie. Abusers and toxic people come in all forms, including as relatives and even as fathers. You shouldn't feel you ever had to measure up - it was HIS job to nurture you, care for you, and make you feel special and important, with no conditions. Why? Because that's what being a Dad is all about.

You know that because you're that kind of Dad yourself. Turn this around, Eddie. Look at it and tell yourself that even against the odds and through all the hurt and repeated betrayals you STILL fought on to become the kind of guy ANY kid would love to have as a father. What can be more important than that? What achievement could be greater?

Much love,
Larry