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#190062 - 11/05/07 05:55 PM Feel like I'm out of time
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
So many hopes and dreams gone, 37 (don't laugh, I know you vets are) but it feels like I have no time left. No career yet and it feels like it's never going to happen. No chance of being educated, no chance of working my way up that ladder. Love, please, love is for teens, who's going to take a chance on an old man (I hear that laughter again) maybe because I already feel like I'm 100, I just feel like it's too late sometimes, feel like I missed my opportunity. Why do feel 100?

It's like I'm feeling like that heart attack is going to come anyday now so why bother.

Just feeling like I missed the train

Mike



Edited by mogigo (11/05/07 05:59 PM)
_________________________
Thriving

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#190067 - 11/05/07 07:30 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: mogigo]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Not laughing, Mike - I can empathize too much to laugh.

way too much.

M


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#190075 - 11/05/07 08:06 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: MarkK]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Mike, I'm certainly not laughing at you. I am 29 and I too feel as if life passed me by. I have the same job that I had since I was 16, I make $10 an hour and I live in my parent's basement. I don't have a college degree (I dropped out after getting a years worth of credits in about 2 1/2 to 3 years). I never so much as kissed a girl before. So I'm here feeling embarassed and wondering what will happen next. Will I ever go on a date? Will I ever have sex? Will I ever have anything other than a low-paying job, just barely making ends meet? Will I ever have a family? Will I ever be happy? Right now its not looking good, if things stay the way they are its not going to happen and I can't imagine HOW I'm going to do this, especially the dating part.

I know that I'm a few years younger than you but I'm getting there and I don't have a plan to change it.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#190077 - 11/05/07 08:20 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: onlyakid]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
There is alse hope for change just have to keep moving forward.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#190084 - 11/05/07 09:01 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: Muldoon]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was 33 when I got my GED I was a dock worcker. then spent a couple years studying computers through one of those schools on TV, they worked out a payment plan. Its never too late, its only too late when we give up trying.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ŰŅŰ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#190088 - 11/05/07 09:19 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: GateKPR4]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Let me tell you something. You're broken, and you need fixing. What you require is a specialist that can IDENTIFY your issues, and then ADDRESS them, in a way that you've not done yet obviously. I don't know WHAT exactly your issues are, as CSA manifests itself in totally different ways with different people.

Mike.........dude I'm one year older than you (38) and I just got a ray of hope, I'd like to share it with you so that you can SEE that it's at least POSSIBLE.

I just today had an initial interview with a new therapist. This will be my 3rd therapist that I've gone to for recovery from CSA. This initial session was unlike my 1st or even 2ond initial sessions, BECAUSE after talking about my abuse, and how it effected me, here at MS and with my previous T's, I was able to "jump right into it". And you know what? Some pretty profound things were said to me. Here is a sample of our dialog:

"You're extremely intelligent"................a long dramatic pause ensues whilst I rolled my eyes in disbelief,...............
then he said to me, "Sorry, you're not ready to hear that because the life that your abuse has compelled you to live has prevented you from being comfortable with accepting compliments, let alone having the opportunites to hear them". This was just one of the ways this new T was talking to me.

Anyway, my point is that this guy with 37 years experience, (yes he's been doing social work/therapy since the year you were born) was able to use what I was now comfortable with talking about right away. He totally assured me that not only has he seen this pattern of coping in my dysfunctional life, he.........let me give another brief example:

In the middle of our conversation, I outright said, "I don't know what to do anymore".......he replied "You don't have to, *I* know what we need to do in order to help you achieve a fulfilling life. Yeah, the guy is experienced and confident in every way I could hope for. He knows what to do with me. He's seen the pattern of my life, he's seen it in others, he KNOWS how to help me.

Mike? Do you have a T? Is he good? Is he experienced? In your initial session with him/her, did you ask if he/she thinks that he/she could help you? I would like to know if you asked a question like that ok? (I'm really hoping that you have a T Mike).

BTW, you're not out of time, you simply need the proper guidance to make it to where you need to be emotionally so that you can function in the proper ways that will allow you to achieve the goals you had outlined in the beginning of this thread. You're NOT hopeless!


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#190118 - 11/06/07 12:45 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: Hauser]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Mike, you're far from being out of time, man. But I hear and understand your angst and struggle with this. Don't lose hope, things can change.

_________________________
Eddie

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#190127 - 11/06/07 01:31 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: EGL]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Thanks to everyone, just that stoopid roller coaster. I get so up but it only seems to last until one little thing comes up and then it's like the end of the world. I make it bigger than it is. I'm not giving up.

Alan, wish I could find a good T, I've made some stabs at getting one but there doesn't seem to be anyone that can help me, at least not in my price range. I was on a waiting list for a subsidized T and when I finally got to see her after months of waiting she said she couldn't take me on. I asked her for a referral and she said she didn't know anyone???? She just wanted me to join some groups that she runs not related to CSA. I guess she at least did what she could but still pretty upsetting she couldn't find me someone else to help. I'm in group now which is great but I definately need some one on one. I'll try again.

Mike

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#190311 - 11/07/07 07:14 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: mogigo]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Mike,

Hang in there hey? I understand how you feel. I just turned 40 a few months back and it really took me for a spin. I went down the whole track of well thatís it, time to wind down, wonít end up changing much etc etc.

You know what? a few weeks later and I was thinking differently. My life and emotions feel like that sometimes. One day Iím fine and happy with what Iíve achieved in life and then the next day I can be the complete opposite.

Iím not trying to get you to say that this is just what youíre feeing and not reality and youíll snap out of it soon. If you are truly not happy with things the way they are at present, then I sincerely want to ask you not to give up.

Consider the possibility of life being different. Iím sure youíve had those dreams. Youíve kind of told us some of them anyway i.e. you wonder when that kiss will arrive, will you marry, will you get a more fulfilling better paying job? Thatís dreaming man!

Again, as others have said, try to find a T. I know youíve not had much success yet but keep trying. Try different avenues. It will be worth it.

I also wanted to requote what JTT5254 said when he was relating to how he felt that same way you feel. He said:
[quote] I know that I'm a few years younger than you but I'm getting there and I don't have a plan to change it.[\quote]

Thereís a key there Ė if you donít have a plan it will be very difficult to effect change, nor know when youíve arrived.

Turn those dreams, desires and wishes into a plan. Just small plans perhaps at first to prove to yourself you can do it (which you can). Then you can move on to the next ďplanĒ.

All the best Mike.


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#190471 - 11/08/07 04:21 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: Grunty1967b]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Update.

I felt so low 3 days ago. I applied for a job the next day, had a 3 hour interview yesterday, got called in today and I'm hired.
Tech support, starting at the bottom but at least I'm in my educational background.

woot woot

Mike

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Thriving

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#190472 - 11/08/07 04:28 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
"Woot Woot" is right!

Congratulations - You are an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to so many here as well.

Accolades, my friend.

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#190490 - 11/08/07 06:57 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: mogigo]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
You just wrote out what I've been feeling for the last year. I'm 39. I didn't think 40 would be such an issue for me, but it is. I'm stuck in a job I hate with little hope of changing. Here I am, half way through life, and I'm here, talking about my mom and dad and the childhood I haven't worked out yet. I sit at my therapist talking about how my dad didn't love me. And now I'm the age my dad was when I hated him the most and spending my time trying not to be my dad.

I've been applying for jobs, too. Not seriously, but as I see them come up. Maybe I'll have some of the success you're enjoying. Congratulations on the job.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#190492 - 11/08/07 07:05 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: ForeverFighting]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Mike - well done on the job. A 3 hour interview is something to go through. Show them what you can do - you have this chance now.

I was a long haired drop out working in dead end jobs, but playing in a rock band until I was just turned 30. Like yourself, I went into a job that I could walk through, I just got my head down, and got on with it. Around 20 years later, I don't believe that 'It's me' that has a career, and it looks like I've had one for quite some time now!

Do what you can do, and try not to let 'what was done to you' spoil that.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#190522 - 11/08/07 09:23 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: RICK57]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Mike,
Great news about getting hired. congrats on the new job!!!!!!!
When I lost my job and moved to the coast it was six months before I got a job. Tech. jobs are scarce down here especially in a small city. It took it's toll on me and my self esteem was shot to hell. When I finally got a job I started as a temp way below the pay level but eventually I was hired full time. Rick I was a long haired drop out also working on a dock doing shipping & receiving. Learned computers in my spare time. Things do get better but I know I have to work on my "stuff"
to get on with my life.
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ŰŅŰ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#190534 - 11/08/07 10:54 PM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: GateKPR4]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

Well done, and after a 3-hour interview? Yikes! It sounds like this is a major breakthrough for you. As the saying from the old CSNY song goes, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190552 - 11/09/07 12:48 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: roadrunner]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Mike,

I'm so thrilled for you.

Who can imagine what may be next for you?!


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#190557 - 11/09/07 01:43 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: Grunty1967b]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Awesome indeed.
I hope i can learn something here, my work habits had improved steadily over the years, but since getting laid off precipitated my having to deal w/ my CSA "front and center", i've been feeling like ablind man in swimming pool trying to find the ladder out; i need work, i don't think i can do inpatient anything right now, i'm not at risk to harm myself or others, yet the prospect of a panic attack or random memory triggered sobfest during a job interview does not exactly inspire confidence. "self-fulfilling prophecy", yeah, i know- but so many others here seem to be at least strongly motivated to better themselves, i notice a higher-than-average number of survivors employed in technically demanding or white-collar jobs that require a high level of functioning and attention to detail. I'm not saying these possibilities are beyond my eventual reach, but i'd be lying if i said i'm not a little jealous of, and intimidated by, casual references to these sorts of positions.

I'm probably most heartened by Rik's phrase of "...into a job i could walk through, got my head down and got on with it.", somehow that seems a managable way of looking at it... (cue Monty Python clip of multitude shouting, "GET ON WITH IT!!")
;\)
thanks guys

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#190558 - 11/09/07 01:44 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: Grunty1967b]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Thanks so much everyone, feel like I've got another chance again. I've started over again and again and again but this time I do feel like I have so many more coping strategies. This site is a huge part of that, along with group and some truly amazing friends.

I do have some abilities that really should translate into some success in life, but....well....I KNOW you all understand. Fear is such a huge thing.

It is a huge breakthrough for me, I've been un-employed for over a year. I've been so paralyized with fear in that time I rarely left my room. I've gained some confidence in the last little while, not that it was easy to pick myself up and try again, but I did it.

Thank you to everyone here, what a beautiful place this is.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#190585 - 11/09/07 10:37 AM Re: Feel like I'm out of time [Re: mogigo]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
I'm happy for you.
I didn't find my soul mate, now my wife of 4 years, until I was 41. It took over 10 years to get my head straight enough to see past the pain of abuse and neglect. Never too late.
Again, I'm happy for you and the new job.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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