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#190042 - 11/05/07 11:59 AM Pain and frustration
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
I just don't understand why I don't get the same chance at life, i didn't do anything wrong to be so bad. I hate feeling blamed because I don't get better, it hurts so much when someone tells me I'm not allowing things to get better or that I need to choose. I've lost all my family, most of my friends, everything I loved doing to the basic functions of being human. I've never done drugs, alcohol, did anything bad because of what was done to me. I probably will never be able to have a family because of what all "they" did. I do everything in the power given to me to change things, to fix this sickness that's taken my life and made it all pain. I have been extremely active in trying to deal with it since it started and it's not my fault I don't get better, that "they" don't fade to just memories. I didn't beg for my life then, I just wanted it to stop and it wouldn't, "they" made that decision. "they" made the decision everytime they hurt me. The ways "they" killed me "they" chose, each time a tease that it was the last of me. How many understand that? The terror they made. I can't make any of what they did and do a positive thing. My future has no direction, only the myth of a chance. I can't try to believe something good when it's not there. I do not know how to get over it, "they" tortured me. "they" had full control. I was somekind of experiment and so few see the Pain. I shouldn't have to see "them" and have it all done again and again everytime I sleep. The traveling back and forth of the flashbacks, not "intrusive thoughts". The Pains that don't leave. The Pain my friends witness but powerless to do anything to stop. The Pain that they rarely can be there to hold my hand through. The Pain that makes me get left behind, alone, afraid. I hate being told "I've been there" when someone has no idea. It's painful to be told I'm not alone when I am. I wasn't always sick. I don't expect anyone to be able to know what to do or what to tell me. I just feel attacked when folks try to normalize what's not normal, and deminish what "they" did. I'll never find a story exactly like mine but I kind of hope to so that I'm not this freak of a person. I'd hate to find that they ended up like me. I feel like I'm the only one who kept living. I'm so trapped and there is nothing I can do, it's not a choice, it's not just what I believe. It hurts so much, I don't want to be this thing I am. I'm just a collection fo pain.


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#190051 - 11/05/07 04:27 PM Re: Pain and frustration [Re: usmc97]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I am not in a position to understand your pain. I just know that pain is pain and what torture we go through in trying to deal with it. In my situation the pain some days is not as bad as other days, but it is always there. The flashbackss really suck, the lack of sleep really sucks and then the nightmares are even worse. Please try not to think of yourself as a freak of a person though. There are some great guys on MS. I wish I didn't have to be here, but I am glad that I am. People say time heals, I just wish that time would get here sooner than later.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#190054 - 11/05/07 04:39 PM Re: Pain and frustration [Re: KENKEN]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Quote:
Folks try to normalize what's not normal...
It's like trying to squeeze through to a different reality. One of the first things I learned here is that no matter how different our experiences, our healing is so similar. I'm also amazed that somewhere on this board is someone who has been through horrors very much like mine.

It feels like we're alone, but these men here have been through the worst that life can throw. I've hurt, I've lost so much, but like you said, the reason I've lost so much is that I stood up and said, "That's not normal." They want us to believe that if we'll just sit back down and play along, everyone will be happy. They want me to come back, join in the fiction, and say I like it. If I did that, I wouldn't lose... what? My family? They were never a family. My friends? Friends who require me to be something I'm not are not friends.

So I think we don't really lose, although their "normal" tells us we do. I think we gain. And it's the squeezing between their world and Truth that hurts so deeply.

Let us be here for you. There is a real life out there.

Peace.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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