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#189992 - 11/04/07 10:07 PM My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do?
Samuel_D Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 16
.....What do I do about the relationship my kids have with him? We do not leave our children alone with his brother, and never have. He has been a part of our family since I have been married to my husband. However my husband made the step to not speak or have anything to do with him anymore. In the last two months......When he started speaking to a theripst! "So he can get the proper help he needs to deal with the anger, and begin his true recovery."
Our kids have had a relationship with their uncle since they were born. They don't see him much, as we have nothing to do with him now. But my husband and I don't know what to do. We don't want to speak to him, yet our kids want to run up to him and hug him. Like today in church. My husband does not want to go anywhere else, so we will still attend the same church. He would rather his brother leave. We don't feel it would be right for us to just tell our kids that they can't speak to him anymore. So what then could we do? Anything at this time will be very helpful. I was very uncomforable seeing my daughter wrapped up in the arms that hurt my husband at the same age as she is now!


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#190009 - 11/05/07 01:00 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: Samuel_D]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
HOw old are your kids?

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#190011 - 11/05/07 02:01 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: BJK]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
If it makes you uncomfortalbe then don't let her. I understand she is young and may not understand, but if in your hearts of hearts you believe just one mustard seed worth he might hurt one of your children then keep them away from him. And for that matter if it just makes you uncomfortable just because you know the truth about him then keep her away. She is your daughter. You need to establish boundry's to keep not only yourself safe but your entire family. If your not going to change churches then at least set some ground rules. Your husband and your family have that right. If he's not going to change churches knowing you know the truth and yoru husband isnt hideing it anymore, then he'll just too get over the fact you dont want your children around him.

I do have one question about something you posted? You said "We don't feel it would be right for us to just tell our kids that they can't speak to him anymore." Why not? Why dont you have that right? This man abused there father. I think the question I would be asking is "What gives him the right to believe he can have anything to do with the children, facts be known?"

Well off my soap box.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190012 - 11/05/07 03:05 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: James_dup1]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
in answer to your topic's question:

you support your husband - and explain this to your children in whatever age-appropriate language necessary.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#190025 - 11/05/07 09:11 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: indygal]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: indygal

you support your husband - and explain this to your children in whatever age-appropriate language necessary.


I agree with this.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#190027 - 11/05/07 09:24 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: BJK]
Samuel_D Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 16
Thanks you guys. My daughter is 6 and my son is 4. It's not that I think he will abuse them. It's that I am not comfortable. I feel he looks at me like "look at me I am holding your daughter, and you won't say two words to me"
James.....you said "We don't feel it would be right for us to just tell our kids that they can't speak to him anymore." Why not? Why dont you have that right? This man abused there father. I think the question I would be asking is "What gives him the right to believe he can have anything to do with the children, facts be known?"............I agree with this....it's hard I guess because they love their uncle.....that is why we did not know what to do.

Indy...your right.....you support your husband - and explain this to your children in whatever age-appropriate language necessary.

I did not think of this either....So now my question is what do I say? .......How far should I go in details? I don't know what would be appropriate for my children I guess, inrequards to this situation.


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#190034 - 11/05/07 11:05 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: Samuel_D]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hey,

"it's hard I guess because they love their uncle" I'm sure it is CSA isn't ever easy. There's a reason they call it "The road to recovery". My point was...you and your husband HAVE to do what ever is nessary in order for him and your family to heal. CSA hurts everyone of you, even the kids. If them seeing there uncle is causeing him and/or you any pain or feelings of uncomfort then y'all have EVERY RIGHT to stop that contact. I'm not saying in the future there would not be, but for now while your family is the starts of recovery thats all. And to be honest here..this "perp" brother/uncle would just need to get over the fact you don't want him around your children.

As to how to explain to your children, I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I do know from experence that kids have a deeper understanding than we adult give them credit for. I'm not I would go into the facts of the CSA with them at there age. Maybe just that uncle so and so and daddy are mad at each other and for now we can't speak to him. Not sure that would work or anything but just tossing idea's out.

I wish you the best of luck with this. I know it's not at all easy for anyone who is dealing with this crap. But you have a strong faith and a lot of support. Y'all will get through this.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190035 - 11/05/07 11:10 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: Samuel_D]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Wow! I was abused by my brother when I was 10-12 and he was 14 -16. And there is not a CHANCE IN HELL I would have let my kids hug him. He died in 1992 and I had children then, but we lived in another state and there was no contact. I don't know how you and your husband can stand to see him - that alone takes great courage and strength and I commend you both. But keep the kids away and tell them why! Better safe then sorry.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#190038 - 11/05/07 11:34 AM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: kellygtx]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
thanks kelly...see the only reason we have had contact with him in these years is because my husband wanted to have a realtionship with his brother...he has always loved his brother "looked up to him", and has allowed his brother to step all over him for years..I am glad that he has finally took that step to direct his anger where it belongs. It has been very hard in going through this, especially after I initially found out about the abuse a year before we were married...and had to still accept his brother into my family, only cause that was what my husband wanted at the time. I guess then he though he could handal it all on his own...and god knows what was going through his mind at that time. I will discuss this with him, I am sure he will apreciate your responses!

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#190059 - 11/05/07 05:35 PM Re: My husbands abuser was his brother...what do I do? [Re: Amanda_D]
themanistroubled Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/05/07
Posts: 3
Hi
what i said to my children was that their own sexual bits are for them to touch only and nobody else should ever touch you here. They can wash themselves with a flannel as soon as they are old enough - 3 or 4 and have never needed to touch the boys since (now teenagers)...along with this talk say that some people are horrible and will hurt you and if anyone tries to touch you here you must tell mummy even if they tell you not to. the message athat you are the one to talk to about everything starts early. As they get older questions are answered and taken one by one but if they feel that you are approachable you have a better chance of protecting them. You poor thing, it is not easy being a Mum is it but i do think keep them away from this man and keep them close to you.

I am so pleased our husband has finally found the strength to help himself with this. It must be hard for both of you.

My partner is also facing his abuse and it is worrying me. Has your husband confronted his brother and talked about everything thoroughly? Good luck with it all.


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