Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
clutzygurl (22), dun (50), Gene (50), ufp1964 (50), Zoot (68)
Who's Online
4 registered (Obi, YYZGIRL, 2 invisible), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63355 Topics
443010 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#188983 - 10/28/07 01:48 AM I'm back and questioning - possible triggers
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Sorry that I've been out of touch for the past 2 years - I have been hospitalized several times - twice cheating death.

I had multiple blood clots in both lungs and a massive clot in my pulmonary artergy. It was only pure luck that I went to the hospital before the clot moved and killed me.

Then, I ended up in the ER twice in 3 weeks with heart racing to the borderline of fibrillation. The 2nd episode took 4 hours to get under control. This was finally treated with a catheter procedure by "frying" an electrical circuit that was causing the problem.

So, as all can see, I've been a little "preoccupied".

I'm very discouraged at this point in my life. After 10 years of chronic pain, 10 years of sleep deprivation, several life-threatening episodes, 30+ years of therapy, and I still see no hope of recovery from the CSA.

Because of health and work issues, my emotional life is stressed to the point of breaking. I still put up tremendous walls in my marriage and generally don't trust anyone around me. I'm on an emotional roller-coaster and my stress level continues to skyrocket. Many times I have NO sense of hope for anything close to a satisfying life.

Memories continue to haunt me, upsetting and invasive dreams still crop up, and I shut down emotionally when I feel cornered.

I apologize that this posting sounds so "negative", and those who have known me over the years know that I'm usually a relatively optimistic person. But, I'm just laying it on the line - I'm desperate and discouraged.

I read the occasional story of someone who has overcome the demons of childhood and is able to go on with life. I'm so happy for those individuals - but I have a hard time envisioning that as a reality for me. How many more years of therapy do I have to attend? How many more anti-depressants do I have to try just to help my ability to cope with life, only to have them lose their effectiveness after several months?

I'm frustrated that, because of lack of funding, the local support group where I live had fallen apart and the one guy with whom I have kept in contact is so caught up in his own problems can't find the time or energy to meet on a regular basis.

I have always been honest with my therapists, my wife, and close friends. But the more time that passes brings stronger feelings that I am really broken to the point that there is no way to "fix" me.

I'm basically living an existence at this point in time. I go to work, use all of my energy to get thru the day, come home and collapse at 7:30 and wake up at all hours of the night from physical pain (back problems), then get up the next morning and start all over.

I just don't know where to turn next. I truly wish that someone had some profound words of wisdom that would give me some sense of hope. All that I want out of life is to wake up in the morning and look forward to a day, have a trusting relationship with my wife, be comfortable with being close in my marriage without feeling threatened (the threat is completely perceptual on my part - I have a very patient and understanding wife).

But folks, after so many years of struggling without success, it gets very discouraging. Though I am NOT suicidal, there are times that I wonder why I go on... what is it that keeps me going every day?

I've read all the books, done every therapy imaginable, and taken just about every anti-depressant on the market and still feel that my abusers have won.

Has anyone ever felt this low? Is there any remote possibility of shedding this emotional baggage that I've held on to for so many years?

Thanks for "listening".

SD


Top
#189019 - 10/28/07 07:08 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: sophiesdad]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
SD,

It is really good to read from you again. It has been awhile.

What i am finding that seems to help is to be a part of this community as i am able.

I read so many struggles, but I also read great courage from brothers here, it helps me make another day, hour, moment...

I know all well how hard it is to come here when things are hard, but that is when we need to be here the most.

SD I have no answers or inspiring words of wisdom for you, but all i can rely upon is my experience here.

Please don't be a strainger here I need your insight to give me strength and for the guys who don't know you are missing out because u have a lot to offer.

Take Care, Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top
#189080 - 10/29/07 04:13 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: healing_inside]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
SD, I often wonder the same thing. In my years of studying, my personal theory is that there really is something physically wrong with my brain chemistry. I've read theories on how early childhood stress produces excess cortisol in the brain, damaging the hippocampus. I wonder if in my family, in addition to being emotional freaks, abusers with absolutely no parenting skills whatsoever, they also have a tendency towards this chemical imbalance. Throw in a boat load of child neglect and abuse, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Blah, blah, blah. What I'm saying is, I don't think it's your fault or my fault that we've been trying desperately hard for decades and it still doesn't feel much better. I apologize for giving this illustration again, but if I'd had my leg damaged somehow 30 years ago, with physical therapy and extreme effort I may be able to walk again. But that doesn't mean I'll ever feel as if the accident didn't happen. When the weather changes or if I overdo it, I'll still hurt, and I may never hike Mt. Everest. Is it my fault? No. Does it mean I'm not trying hard enough? No.

The reality is, we are better for the effort. Right now I feel like I've been swallowed up by the pit, but I do have OK days, even weeks, that I didn't have before. I also know the truth of my family so I can protect myself from further damage.

You keep coming back. I remember you. You must leave some kind of good impression or I wouldn't have remembered you. You're a good person. That means the abusers did not win. You won.

Please take care. It's good to hear from you again.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

Top
#189262 - 10/30/07 04:08 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: ForeverFighting]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
SD,

I remember you so well and I'm glad to see you back here, though I'm also sorry to see you have gone through so much ill health. I remember you talking about the back problems but now it all seems to have become even more complicated.

I don't have answers for you, my friend, but I can tell you that my experience is that I always feel better when I can share my thoughts and feelings, no matter how good or negative they are. "Alone" is never a good place to be. I hope you will ease your way back into things, meet new friends and rejoin your old ones here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#189820 - 11/03/07 02:40 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: roadrunner]
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Dear Healing Inside, Forever Fighting and Roadrunner:

Thank you for your kind and inspiring words. I'm feeling really very vulnerable right now. Had a T meeting this morning and he put it very well: The SA from my mother (psychological) showed me very early on that any sexual feelings towards women were wrong. My later abuse (from males) showed me that sexual feelings towards men are wrong. So I have a double-whammy - essentially no feelings of intimacy are OK.
He feels that I've developed a phobia.
AND I'm feeling a lot insecure because I see other postings from other folks that have TONS of replies and I had 3 in over a week. Though I appreciate the 3 of you who responded, I start to wonder if there's something wrong with me. It's like, am I a leper? It's a theme in my entire life - I am always the one that other folks turn to for help and advice, but when it's my turn and I'm feeling insecure, very few come to my aid.
Please understand that I don't want to discount the 3 of those who responded - I TRULY appreciate what you've done. It's the 3,000 others who ignored what I said or chose not to just simply say, "I have no words of wisdom, but I care."
Forgive my rant, but I'm very raw right now.

SD


Top
#189829 - 11/03/07 03:18 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: sophiesdad]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
SD,

I am very sorry to hear about your pain and long fight.

I would say take a vacation, play, be kind to yourself. Much work is always hard to live with. Even recovery, although long and hard to go through, has to get paused for a break, when a person just gets carefree.

Good luck with finding your way out of overstressing life.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#189830 - 11/03/07 03:19 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: sophiesdad]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
sorry, i just got kinda overwhelmed when i read your first post here, and your mentioning "coming back" had me thinking there would be a lot of old buddies here that would swarm all over it... i'm pretty new around here, and didn't want to jump into something i wasn't really privy to the history of, if that makes any sense.
I got overwhelmed i guess b/c i couldn't think of anything that wouldn't either reinforcing negative thinking, or sounding like some lame "Suzy Sunshine" twerp. If it helps, pull down the user list by # of posts, there's a LOT of people w/ 2, 1, or no posts at all, they just have been too scared to stick around, idk...
i had both female and male abusers, i'm staying away from chasing any relationships until my head is screwed on a little tighter. hope this helped...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#189846 - 11/03/07 05:40 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: dgoods]
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Thanks Alexey & Dgoods -
I'm just really sensitive right now. You are right about not knowing my whole history and there are no true "words of wisdom". I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated right now that old stuff keeps resurfacing and I don't see any major changes in my life. I liked FF's analogy of a physical injury - the part of the body will never be the same, but will have good and bad days.
I really get angry (as I'm sure most of us do) that it happened to me and jealous over people who grew up in loving and supportive homes who don't have to jump the monumental hurdles that we do.
Thank you all for caring.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Top
#189862 - 11/03/07 09:20 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: sophiesdad]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
SD - glad to hear from you again. I wondered where you had gone, suppose some people think that about me, because I used to be here all the time, now I just pop in now and again.

You say that you made a post, and only got 3 responses in about a week. It's pretty normal for this site. I remember when I first came here (I was well out of it). I read a few posts, then decided to register on a New Years Eve. There weren't many people responding that night. Gradually they appeared over the next few days and weeks. It was the first time in my life since I was 12 years old, that I ever believed anyone else understood at all!

I have posted many times since then! Some of my posts have had zero responses, others have had many. I don't think that responses to a post depend upon who initiates them, it is more to do with how others feel that they can respond to them.

I know that when I first came here, there were some that I could respond to immediately, because they directly linked to my own personal experience. Other posts, I had to read several times before I could respond in a way that did justice to the post. Others I just dould not respond to, for several reasons. I maybe didn't have the same exeperience, or I just didn't feel qualified to respond.

Why do we go on? Because that's how we win!

Look at the name you use here....that sounds like a proud man to me! I'm not a biological dad, only a 4 times godfather...the youngest was born in May. I know how much that means to me. Try and be proud of what you have achieved.

I grew up in a 'loving and supporting home', but it still didn't stop me being groomed and abused outside of that home! I was also a bright kid, believe it or not!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#189952 - 11/04/07 04:47 PM Re: I'm back and questioning - possible triggers [Re: RICK57]
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Thank you, Rick. Again, I guess that I was being a little over-sensitive.
AND, going to the T is a necessary pushing of buttons, but it is so painful going thru it and I don't "bounce back" easily.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.