today has kinda been a weird day for me. i had a lazy afternoon and got the chance to take a nap. i was thinking about mark. i realize that this is the longest i have gone without talking to him... to catch you guys up.. mark was my perp. and i was in love with him. anyway.. i was thinking about him...

i saw my shrink yesteday. we tried the whole hynosis thing. was pretty intense. the whole reason why we tried it was because i dont feel anything. i can sit here and rattle off the events and names and dates of my abuse and not flinch. i think that is terrific. my shrink, on the other hand, doesnt. so we are trying hypno so that i can revisit the shit and maybe this time around actually feel it.

i guess it worked. cause i feel like shit today. having to "watch" my abuse again yesterday and seeing everything happening like it was someone else was pretty weird. we approched it like "if that was happening to someone else, how would you feel?" type of thing. the thing is tho, it did happen to me. so now i have to deal with all the shitty confused feelings. i loved mark. and now i have to caterorize him as a monster.

ironically he was the first and last person i trusted. when i was with him, there was heavy drug use on my part and his. i didn't want to shoot up myself because i was afraid of the needles. i trusted mark to do it for me. he was so gentle about it. he would kiss me before he did it. and then lick my arm to wipe the blood away when he was done.

i get that he would use drugs to make me docile so he could fuck me. this was something special we did. when he was training me to have sex with others, it wasn't like that at all. it was less errotic. less loving. more buisness. i didn't mind that either. he was a great teacher. i get that i was abused. i get that he is this monster. am i starting to feel that? maybe.

i called my shrink today. he gave me his number to use if needed to in between sessions. i never have. i did today. last night and again today i had a "body memory." i asked about it in the room last night so i knew the name for it. i had another one today. i called my shrink to tell him and ask about it. i guess because the first time around i was drugged and out of it, my body didnt feel it. or my mind protected my body. who knows. well it feels it now and it sucks. this was one just isolated incident related to the memory we explored while under hypno. and the event wasn't even that bad. i dont know how its going to be when we start talking about the more serious abuse episodes. why do i even have to go through this?

why do i want my body to remember when it worked so hard in the first place to hide it?

some things should just be left alone.

Hey Jarrad, from what I've heard it gets worse before it gets better, I believe them and I've had a few body reactions but not really a whole lot. I'm Still pretty much stuck in my head but it seems to be seeping out slowly, not fun for sure.

You say you've not trusted anyone since but isn't that the point. To be able to trust someone to give us those things without the abuse being involved in it. Love, trust, intimacy, wouldn't it be great if we could have those things without having to be manipulated into it.

I seem to have these thought's sometimes that it really could happen. I really really want that. Maybe a pipe dream, but I think there are people in this world that actually give a shit about what I want. They might actually find it arousing to make me happy.

Thanks Jarrad
Mike

No great answers here, except that maybe you're strong enough to face the feelings now. We can block them out, but they come out in other ways, or we numb out to too much and live without feeling much at all. Neither option is great.

Just take the feelings and memories at your own pace--you always have the power to back off--but keep challenging yourself when you can.

You should be proud that you're doing this!

David

Jarrad,
I think that although i've always enjoyed your sense of fun and humor in chat, i was getting reminded of how i was always manic right before massive depression kicked in. It's like the pressure of the real feelings got stronger, and i had to "turn up the volume" to desperately try to drown it out. a lot of dancing around, screaming to the world, "see? i'm fine, everything is fine, couldn't be happier, no sirree!"
Of course, this was utter nonsense, nobody else bought it, and i was left facing my emptiness alone. You're doing an amazing, difficult thing now by letting us know what's going on, i know from experience a phone can seem like it's 500 pounds, "no way can i do that!" I admire you so much for being strong enough to even try to do the right thing. Regardless of the differences in our stories, we're both here, and i'm rooting for you. Maybe you never thought twice about it, but sometimes just seeing a familiar "face" in chat makes a tough time easier for me- thanks for being here, my ear's here if you need it.

Hi Jarrad:
I just read your post from yesterday and am wondering what you mean my Body Memory? New to this site so really would like to know. Guess I have not experienced a body memory. What I am into?

Jarrad,

There are times I think about my step father. It wasnt all bad and/or abuse. Him and I had some really good father/son moments. The kind you see in a rockwell painting. I think about him dieing and I feel sadness over it. I miss haveing a dad in my life, someone I can share with. It's hard to love/hate someone at the same time.

Ken,
A body memory is where your body feels something from the past. For example: there are times I wake up from a nightmare and can feel/taste my stepfather on me. It's as if I'm 12 again from the feeling my body has. They really suck to be honest. I would rather deal with flashbacks personaly. At least with them there is not pain in my body parts or a taste in my mouth. Hope that answers your question.

James

Jarrad,

As we begin to come to grips with things as they really were - and really are - one thing that happens is that we likewise begin to realize how untrue many of our old ideas were, and how deeply we have buried our true feelings. We begin to grieve, get angry, feel ashamed, lost, whatever.

That's all a natural and normal part of recovery. It's a big shock and we each find our own way through it; and yes, that unfortunately means we have to go right through the middle of things. As you may have heard me say in the past, the only road past Crapville is the one that goes through the town square.

This won't be easy, Jarrad, but remember that it was always about Mark, not you. You were being used and exploited, yes, but that doesn't mean that's all you were worth. You deserved a LOT better, and as you deal with this just bear in mind that you are taking back for yourself the life and future you always deserved.

This is rough shit, and I'm really proud of you for deciding to face it head-on. Not that I expected any different...

Much love,
Larry

here's more info on a body memory. i love wikipedia. they have evertyhing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_memory

James and Jarrad:
Thanks for the info. on Body Memory. In dealing with my SA I now remember waking up recently from a nightmare not being able to breathe. I was gasping for air as an abuse incident from my brother occured. He forced my head under water to give him oral sex. What a bastard he was.
Thanks again for your reply

Yeah Ken...when I wake up from a really bad nightmare I have body memorys a lot of the time. Just keep working on your recovery...they do get better the more you recover. They are not near as bad as when I started my recovery.

James