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#189577 - 11/01/07 10:51 PM so i had a good day, right?
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
so i had a good day, right? met for lunch with a friend, got a lot accomplished at work. got home and for once no WW III going on.

then we go to the Eagle Ceremony of a friend's son that my son used to be in scouts with. lots of people haven't seen for quite a while.

one kid walks in, sees his brother across the room and they grin WIDE, almost run across the room, shake hands, then HUG tight. the smiles on their faces were radiant.

and me? i'm doing a rapid boil that's threatening to explode. my wife asks what's wrong - i make some stupid statement about being hungry (which i was, but wasn't the problem)

so not only am i gonna get triggered by "bad" scenes - happy ones are gonna set me off??????

i should just stay under my bed.

m


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#189587 - 11/01/07 11:24 PM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Happy scenes can trigger us too, yes. Especially if they remind us of things we have missed or lost. It took me a long time before I could bear to walk past a high school where guys were walking around in groups as friends - it reminded me of how I had isolated myself for so long, even from guys who really did just want to be my friend.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#189588 - 11/01/07 11:32 PM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: roadrunner]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Mark-
Thanks for posting. It made me remember what i hate more than a nightmare... the "wish-fulfillment" dream, the dream where i was never abused, my childhood was happy, i never hurt people i loved, save the day, get the girl, and live happily ever after.
Then i wake up...


_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189589 - 11/01/07 11:39 PM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: dgoods]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Mark,

All I can say is...I totally understand.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#189593 - 11/02/07 12:26 AM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: trusty]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Mark,

When I see kids that are happy...kids who are raised properly...kids who get a chance to enjoy childhood...I have to fight tears. Yes, I feel jealousy, but I don't know what's worse: the jealousy, the sadness, or the fact that I hate myself for being selfish.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#189625 - 11/02/07 05:17 AM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: BJK]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Every time I seen a child it would trigger memories, didn't matter if the child was happy or sad. It was like this nightmare that would not end. But after talking with my T this seems to be passing and is not happening so often. Last night while I was at the drug store there was a little girl crying with her dad by the restrooms.
I thought "that bastard is abusing her" then I understood that she got hurt by the auto closing door to the rest room. then I was OK. But Halloween went by and it was a joy to see the kids and their parents having so much fun. I hardly thought of my own abuse at all that night. That is a step forward for me.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#189652 - 11/02/07 10:52 AM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: GateKPR4]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark:
I too understand that not only bad memories trigger me to fall apart and cry like a baby. Out of no where I see small kids playing together and I can't help but tear up cry. Sure wish I could control my emotions, but guess that will take lots of time and more therapy.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#189841 - 11/03/07 05:10 PM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Thanx, all of you. I was beginning to think I was hopeless, had crossed the line of no return - all because happy things are now triggers as well as sad/angry/unhappy things.

Once again- good to know I'm not alone.

M


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#189863 - 11/03/07 09:27 PM Re: so i had a good day, right? [Re: MarkK]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Mark - sometimes the happy scenes are the worst! We know how they can go wrong! It's sort of 'look how happy those kids are having such a good time'. Then you remember how you didn't have such a good time. You don't want that to happen to those kids, so it triggers you!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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