I have such a hard time when my fiancee asks /and or eats(although not all the time)chocolate and i f$#^ hate what i do to myself mentally because i create and make myself nuts with scenarios that i cannot rid myself to distract my thoughts in which she is an adult yet mentally i struggle with this.

I'm trying to " tie in " the lack of control into the subject however do i think this way because i do in fact have control issues


do i really feel powerless

how do i allow her to be who she is without making myself crazy

are there ways to deal with these thoughts

last night we were in the store and yet again i watched her buy some dove chocolate.....do i need to add the details


I usually( according to what she said to me last night ) say "something" or comment on,my thoughts with her eating chocolate....i need someone elses perspective

By the way she had gastric by-pass surgery in february of 2005 and she had diabetes that is under normal limits as a result of the surgery.

We have had many many conversations about how she wants(including myself)she wants/needs to make better choices where food is concerned.However things are ok for a little while and she(as well as myself) go back to eating sweets.....cookies,donuts...etc etc .....

PLEASE HELP ME i can't take it and if i really look at why i do this to myself i'm sure i want the control because i had none as a child....does this make any sense...any feedback(reagrdless of how or what is said from all of you(ladies of course)afterall i desire some form of support otherwise "things" will essentially change for better/worse....who knows

Coop

coopstah - i'm so sorry for taking so long to respond and now i see no one else did either!!

and now what i'm going to say probably won't make you feel much better either - but here goes anyway -

some years ago i had a friend at work that had gastric bypass surgery - only she didn't really have a true appreciation as to how serious it was. she didn't take care of herself; she was thrilled at having lost so much weight but then couldn't change her eating habits. she'd order french fries with gravy for dinner(!) ugh - i've never even eaten that but i know some people do - at any rate - her bad eating habits were causing serious complications with her surgery and she had to go back into the hospital a couple of times. the dr said she really needed to lose wt because she also had diabetes; but she was seriously doing damage by not eating right, i think the staples were coming loose or something? i don't know the details.

what i do know is she would talk about this in a kind of, well, i guess i f*cked up again but so what attitude. i mean, hey, you get a second chance at life and you don't appreciate it??!! wtf???!!!

how many people really get that, anyway???

as is sometimes my situation, i found i was her last true friend at work, but then, you know, i couldn't watch her self-destruct in front of me, i told her you need to listen to your dr and do what he says.

self-destructive people really try my patience, honestly.

coopstah - the thing a lot of these people have in common is they want someone to bear witness to their demise - no one after all wants to die alone - and possibly feed into their fantasy that everything's going to be all right. well, it's not and they are not right either.

if you've never seen the film, butch cassidy and the sundance kid, try and find it and check it out. there's a great scene when katherine ross tells the guys "i won't watch you die." and when she thinks they've gone too far with all their bank robbing, she tells them it's time for her to go and she does, just leaves, like that.

even if you've never seen the film probably you know the ending.

watch the film with your fiance and let her know you love her but hey wait a minute, this isn't what you signed up for. no, coopstah, you don't have to worry about butting in because if she doesn't stop this negative behavior, she will be self-destructing and that's sort of contrary to you in your healing, don't you think?

i'm not telling you to make a choice here, that's not what this is about, just giving you some more info to go on, that's all.

all the best,
indy