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#189088 - 10/29/07 05:30 PM Should I ask for more information?
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
All I know so far is that a teenage neighbor molest H over a two day period when H was a/b 6yo. Shortly after that a female neighbor, also a teen, 'had sex' w/ H. I have always known a/b the latter (he used to say he was 8yo though), and I always considered it molesting even though it seemed like he considered it 'initiation'. He now says he believes she was also being molested by the same teenage neighbor.

I know after 6yrs, he told his mother. He was in therapy for a year after he told her. MIL, T and myself (I?) are the only ones that know.

Because H says he's dealt with it, boxed it up, even forgiven the perpetrator, I don't know how to deal with this. I believe this is one of the factors that has contributed to his affairs. I want to be sure these issues are addressed so we have a healthy family.

OTOH, he has been getting a more healthy attitude over the 15yrs I have known him, now he is just amazing me. Deep down inside though, I worry this will surface, cycle...whatever.

Should I ask if he's willing to tell me more? I have kind of avoided the topic except to mention this site and some books. If it was 'mild' then maybe he has dealt with it and the affairs are other issues? Please forgive me, I know there really isn't 'mild' when it comes to molestation. I imagine it is like an affair. I was heartbroken to know H had an OEA (online emotional affair) just as I was heartbroken when he had this latest affair with all the 'bells and whistles'. I know that it takes just one act to damage. But I also know had H stopped at the OEA it would have been easier to recover from than his continued abuses in the form of increasingly involved affairs.

This is why I am wondering, should I ask if he's willing to share details or wait until he's ready to share? Though it seems like he'd be willing to never speak of it again, he maintains it's in his past, dealt with and moved beyond.

_________________________
jem

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#189095 - 10/29/07 05:48 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Jem]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Jem,


you sound like a very intelligent woman, who has linked together events from the past, to events in the future. I can hear you feel instinctively the connections here and are concerned that, although your husband has told you he had some therapy in the past and has moved on from these events, his behaviour suggests that this might not in fact be the case....


How to actually bring the issue into the light, I am afraid I cannot be of much help and I appologise for that. I just really wanted to empathise with you and admire you for making that connection, considering the hurt you must feel from his infidelity. I think it shows that you are a compassionate, empathetic and intelligent person and believe you will find a way to address these issues which are worrying you.



peace
Beccy


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#189106 - 10/29/07 07:49 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: beccy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
JEM,

My opinion on the subject of asking for details is not to do it. I personally don't want to know the details and I certainly don't feel I need to know them. The fact that he was abused, you know by who and approximately when is all the detail that he is probably willing to share with you right now. If you ask him for more, then he may ask himself why you want to know? Are you trying to find out if it was "really that bad?" Survivors tend to minimize what happened; you're husband is certainly doing just that by what he's told you already. But at the same time, they feel great trauma. How can that be explained or described? Asking him to provide more will likely either make him angry or send him even deeper into denial.

My b/f has shared some of the horrors with me, not because I asked, but because he just could not hold back. To be honest, I wish I didn't know what he shared with me because those real life experiences of his intrude now in my mind and create nightmares I didn't have before. He also feels terrible because he feels like he brought me into a world I was blissfully ignorant of.

The telling a traumatic experience forces the person telling the story to re-live it and the telling of that experience to an untrained ear can have catastrophic consequences. We partners don't usually know the right things to say or not to say and our reactions can cause even more trauma. I am a caring person who would never deliberately hurt another, yet I know I've done and said some wrong things that have hurt my b/f. Everything I've said and done was with nothing but love and concern so my conscience is clear on that score, but my blissful ignorance has caused harm nonetheless.

There's a huge learning curve involved in dealing with all of this. I'm 2 years in and still learning every day. Take some more time JEM and let your husband lead the way. Some gentle prodding and talking about you and he and your family as it exists today is more likely the right way to go before delving into his past.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189705 - 11/02/07 05:30 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Trish4850]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
Thanks for the replies. I guess there's nothing I can do. He has no interest in any T that involves this. He'll go to MC (marriage counseling) but doesn't want anyone else to know about this since 'he's moved on' and what he's done has nothing to do with this.

If I should step back, then there's nothing to be done on my end.

I don't know where to go or what to do with this knowledge. I suppose I should just feel relieved that he felt he could share after 15yrs. But it's just like my female friends that have confessed being molested...I get angry for them and I want to help but feel so helpless.

_________________________
jem

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#189717 - 11/02/07 06:04 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Jem]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Jem, I can see why you'd feel discouraged. And you have mentioned a lot of issues to be concerned about, so I don't want to minimize the complexity and difficulty you're facing. As I recall, you were planning to take some steps to safeguard your position, and I very much endorse your protectiveness toward yourself and toward your children. Your H is apparently not a reliable ally right now, and you need to be clear-eyed about that.
That said--don't despair. We're an all-or-nothing culture here, aren't we? Once we see a problem, it has to be fixed! or else it's way too painful to stay in the middle of it.
The good thing is that he's going to MC with you, or so he says. Any good MC--and you are part of the process, so you have a right yourself to be fully heard--will want to get a handle on all the issues. With skill, that person will recognize that there's more going on than your H wants to admit; in a really good situation, the MC will see that you are not comfortable sharing yourself.
So, as long as you are moving forward, which this very well can be, I suggest there's reason to hope. Cautiously.
Meanwhile. You have lots of other things to do, no doubt--but taking some time to appreciate yourself, to love yourself--that's a good idea too.
I am going to be direct again, so please tell me if this is out of line: There is PLENTY to be done on your end. I went back to look at the posts that you put on the site a couple weeks ago, when you were really in pain considering your own childhood memories. They're pretty intense, and you seemed to be pretty distraught to be thinking about how truly painful they were (and even whether there's more than you have yet acknowledged.)
All of us partners grapple with this reality, to one degree or another--it's OUR lives that we are in charge of, not our recovering SOs' lives. If you take your focus off of addressing your H's issues and needs, and turn instead to addressing yours--whatever that means to you right now, relative to all your other obligations--at least you and your kids will be better off.
Chances are, he will be too. But even if not, you'll be better positioned than you would have been otherwise.
Believe me, I do appreciate how hard it is to separate your fate and your future from your H's. It's not giving up, though, to do that. It's taking on your own burden of life. It's showing your kids, and maybe your H too, that you are also way tougher than you ever thought you could be. It's coming into your full, most powerful, most adult self.
That's what I believe we're all called to do. The CSA interrupts it, but it doesn't prevent it. All the addictive behavior in the world (including avoidance, including co-dependence) doesn't end that responsibility. [/soapbox]
You can do it, Jem, whatever it takes. It's OK.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#189719 - 11/02/07 06:10 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: honey girl]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
nicely put, Honey girl...

nicely put!

M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#189734 - 11/02/07 08:32 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: mmac]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
HG - Very nicely put indeed!

JEM,

We are always helpless to help another person if they do not want it. It's only when the request for help is made that we can do anything and even then it's precious little when faced with the magnitude of some problems. What you can always, always, always do is take care of yourself and your family. If you are healthy, and in a good place in your head, then when the request for help comes, you'll be much better able to deal with it.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189738 - 11/02/07 08:51 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Trish4850]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Speaking from a survivor's perspective: Leave the detail to tell ONLY as he's ready to disclose them. You dont 'need' to know the details. He may or may not 'need' to disclose them. But I'll tell you this...being asked to disclose something we are not ready, willing and able to disclose is pure torture.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#189927 - 11/04/07 11:56 AM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Still]
Jem Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/22/07
Posts: 18
Loc: DC
Thanks for all your thoughtful responses. This is why I sought out a place like this, so I could talk to those who knew better before I totally messed things up even more than they are.

I feel so badly b/c he told me this, yet all I can think about right now is how much *I* am hurting. I guess part of that is because he is firm a/b the CSA being a non-issue.

It hurts so much reading here, it's so overwhelming I don't even know where to begin.

So thank you for all your kindness. I at least know where *not* to begin now.

_________________________
jem

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#189931 - 11/04/07 12:43 PM Re: Should I ask for more information? [Re: Jem]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
But I'll tell you this...being asked to disclose something we are not ready, willing and able to disclose is pure torture.


Spot on, Rob. And having it then turned back on you in some way with paranoia or accusations is an even worse hell than being asked to tell when you really don't wish to.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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