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#189554 - 11/01/07 07:46 PM ***My Brother Confessed - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
**POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***
My brother was abused from the ages of 5-12. We have known he was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy for ten years, now.

Tonight, he just confessed to being a perp on two recent occasions (same boy) and is going to turn himself in. He is likely going to jail.

I've been reading this board for two years, now and I never expected this day to really happen. I'm thankful that being informed allowed me to not feel judgemental about him. I don't know how this will be received by survivors.

All I can say is that I'm sorry about all the pain and confusion this has caused for so many people and I'm scared.

I told him that I loved him and he can talk to me whenever he needs to and that this will hopefully serve as a wake-up call. I don't know how to feel or what to do about a survivor of abuse who is also a perp.

I don't know how someone who has been abused could do the same thing to another person... But my heart aches for him and for those whose lives are affected by this.

Thank you for listening.
EJ



Edited by evanescentjoy (11/04/07 06:48 PM)
_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189556 - 11/01/07 07:52 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: evanescentjoy]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Just be sure to remember to take care of yourself as well. You already said you don't know how to feel right now. Be sure you take time to support yourself while your brother. It's brave of him to come forward and turn himself in. Not sure how old your brother is but there are treatment programs out there that help. best of luck to you and your family.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#189563 - 11/01/07 09:01 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: James_dup1]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I was abused by my brother at the age of 11. He was 14 at the time. We never talked about it for years. A few months after I started recovery, I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to confront him. When I did confront him, he apologized, sincerely. We both cried. For the first time in over 30 years I felt like I had a big brother again. I regained so much respect for him that day. I also found out something that day. I found out that he had been sexually abused by an adult cousin. I has a better understanding of how he was able to violate my boundaries the way he did, because he no longer knew where they should be.

I will say this, though. If I ever thought he had abused anyone as an adult, I think I would have to turn him in myself. Your brother made some very poor choices. Now he has shown a tremendous amount of bravery to try and correct them. I hope the boy he abused is able begin to forgive him, and that this helps him in whatever stage of recovery he is in.

Keith.


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#189572 - 11/01/07 10:13 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: KeithR]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
EJ,
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. My first abuser was 11, i was 7; i often wish i could sit down w/ her now, and just talk about what happened- as an adult, i realize her actions didn't come out of a vacuum, and though i have a very good idea who her abuser was, i never got to ask her. Of course, even if i found her today, it might be too much for her, but i can't help wishing for a chance to forgive.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189598 - 11/02/07 01:06 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: dgoods]
MarkAnthony Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 3
Loc: Salt Lake City
EJ: I am sorry for you, your brother and the boy. My heart aches too and it has for years, probably always will...so much suffering...thank God the healing can begin.


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#189618 - 11/02/07 02:07 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: MarkAnthony]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
EJ,

I too feel compassion toward you, and for the boy, especially the boy. Not really sure what to think about the perpetrator, but I certainly cannot bring myself to hate him. Just ambivalent I guess. I admire your courage in this matter.

My wife's brother whom I had been close to at one time was arrested for sexually abusing his own son about a month after I first went into crisis concerning my own childhood abuse 4 years ago. I, of course was livid, and my wife was in mourning. She did not yet know of my abuse.

Family relationships get complicated real fast when sexual abuse gets thrown into the mix. I wish you peace as you negotiate the path ahead.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#189649 - 11/02/07 10:42 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: WalkingSouth]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
EJ
Sorry to hear about your brother also. I too was abused by my brother who is 4 yrs older than me. This occured some 49 years ago. I have just broke my silence and am in therapy to hopefully get my life in some kind of order. I hope the day will come when I will have the guts to confront my brother. I am just trying to cope with my feeling now. Hope I will get to the point of KeithR above. Hang in there.

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#189653 - 11/02/07 10:54 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: evanescentjoy]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
EJ -

I am happy for you. My brother was +4 years older than I was and abused me with his friend for a couple of years when I was 10-12. He died before I ever confronted him.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#189843 - 11/03/07 05:19 PM ***My Brother Confessed - MAY BE TRIGGERING*** [Re: James_dup1]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Dear James,

Thank you for your kindess and compassion, which are qualities I have generally found in survivors of all kinds and even in my abuser brother.

That is what is so confusing about this and makes it so hard to fathom. He was the only one in my family to step forward to help me when I desperately needed.

He says that he was abused so often from kindergarten to 6th grade, when we moved to a different state, that he couldn't forget the abuse. He was silent until the age of 26, when it came out.

We know that he has gone through all the survivor "issues" that any S.A. suvivor does, but had no idea that he would later do something so horrifying.

I don't know if he's brave - or terrified of the legal consequences. But it seems that he is remorseful, and not the monster that it's always easy to imagine people like him to be.

He says he's broken - And he talked more than he ever has the last two days... I can tell you that the ramblings are those of a very confused person.

Your words give me hope, because I know that a lot of others are hopeless and say that SA can't be "cured". This, in addition to a system that "contains", labels, and humiliating people instead of giving them hope and treating them.

When are people beyond help???

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189844 - 11/03/07 05:34 PM Re: ***My Brother Confessed - MAY BE TRIGGERING*** [Re: KeithR]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: KeithR
I was abused by my brother at the age of 11. He was 14 at the time. We never talked about it for years. A few months after I started recovery, I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to confront him. When I did confront him, he apologized, sincerely. We both cried. For the first time in over 30 years I felt like I had a big brother again. I regained so much respect for him that day. I also found out something that day. I found out that he had been sexually abused by an adult cousin. I has a better understanding of how he was able to violate my boundaries the way he did, because he no longer knew where they should be.

I will say this, though. If I ever thought he had abused anyone as an adult, I think I would have to turn him in myself. Your brother made some very poor choices. Now he has shown a tremendous amount of bravery to try and correct them. I hope the boy he abused is able begin to forgive him, and that this helps him in whatever stage of recovery he is in.

Keith.


Keith,

Thank you for your words of support and hope.

The worst part of all of this is that I have known for a long time that my brothers (I can't remember anymore) involved me in abuse when I was in kindergarten or younger.

My friend's mother overheard my little friend and I talking about things we should NOT have been talking about back then, and confronted my mother, who confronted my older brother, who denied it.

It was never talked about again, until I was already in my late teens and began to remember what happened, and also recalled the fact that my parents had just brushed it aside.

It makes me angry at my parents for not intervening back then. Maybe they could have prevented this.

The other brother doesn't seem to remember and I have already forgiven both of them a long time ago - But have never confronted either one of them about the incident I remember.

We had no idea that he would do this.

I know that many survivors of SA never become abusers and I wonder why. If I had known that he was a threat to children, I would most certainly have turned him in, myself, for everyone's sake.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189845 - 11/03/07 05:38 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: dgoods]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: dgoods
EJ,
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. My first abuser was 11, i was 7; i often wish i could sit down w/ her now, and just talk about what happened- as an adult, i realize her actions didn't come out of a vacuum, and though i have a very good idea who her abuser was, i never got to ask her. Of course, even if i found her today, it might be too much for her, but i can't help wishing for a chance to forgive.


Thank you. I hope that I will someday be able to confront my own abusers (in this case, both brothers, I think - I can't remember faces from the incident) like you did.

I also hope that I will be able to confront my parents, who did nothing productive much earlier when they might have intervened.

It gets so complicated when the abuser is also a family member or a trusted person - which is true in the vast majority of cases.

I always thought that abusing someone was a choice - now I realize that, although it is still a choice, some people are so broken and confused that they have no sense of boundaries anymore. This became clear when my brother began rambling last night, before having to fly out to another state for a hearing.

I've never heard him talk so much... And what he did say made it clear how confused his mind is.

Thank you.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189847 - 11/03/07 05:41 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: MarkAnthony]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: MarkAnthony
EJ: I am sorry for you, your brother and the boy. My heart aches too and it has for years, probably always will...so much suffering...thank God the healing can begin.


Thank you.

In a way, I am glad this happened... I am glad that the teenage boy was old enough and open enough with his parents that he could tell them what happened.

If it had not happened, perhaps the healing would never have begun to happen because my brother would still think that he could "fix himself" (his own words).

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189848 - 11/03/07 05:43 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: WalkingSouth]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
I too feel compassion toward you, and for the boy, especially the boy. Not really sure what to think about the perpetrator, but I certainly cannot bring myself to hate him. Just ambivalent I guess. I admire your courage in this matter.


Thank you, John.

I just want to point out that the perpetrator in this case IS the boy, in a way, whose own abuse went unchecked and untreated.

That's what makes this so complicated.

I now wonder if his own unforgiveness of the older boy who abused him is part of what allowed him to continue the cycle.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#190291 - 11/07/07 03:08 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: evanescentjoy]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi EJ, I am sorry that your brother did not get therapy, for what happened to him. Question, were you able to get therapy for what happened to you? In both you and your brothers cases, boundaries were crossed that should not have been crossed. Your brother was sexual abused by this older neighbor, who he likely looked up to, probably liked, and hoped would be his friend. He was betrayed. The same thing happened to you. This does not mean that you will become a perpetrator, it did not cause your brother to become a perpetrator. But what it did do is cause a great deal of confusion in his head. I am sure the same is true for you. For some people the boundaries become weakened and blurred.

I have a old friend, used to be my best friend in high school. He molested a young boy, about 13 years old in 1995. He turned himself in, plead guilty, and got ten years probation's, no jail time. ( note, my friend did all this through a lawyer) Part of his probation was group therapy, which he was forced to attend. He did not feel that was helping him, so he went to the VA and got one on one counseling. He is now off probation but still goes to the VA for counseling. I did not learn of this until 2001, when I moved back to Texas. I had just got up the nerve to tell my friend about me being raped in 1968, and two weeks later I found out that he was a sex offender. For the next three years I avoided my friend.
But I got to thinking about it, if he had no one to talk to, would he not be more likely to do it again? So I reintroduced myself to him. I see him on occasion, to see how he is doing. The friendship will never be the same. But I can talk to him.

In my own case, I came very close to doing the same thing to a young girl. you can read about it. I have a link in my signature, to a page of links to my important messages. Just take your time reading.

Last but not least, I wanted you to know about, Pandora's Aquarium, http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?act=idx Pandora's Aquarium is another large web site, but they have about 3,000 ladies there. So if you want to talk about what happened to you, and some of the fallout from it, you will find it to be a place where you can talk about you.
Wishing you well,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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