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#189845 - 11/03/07 05:38 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: dgoods]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: dgoods
EJ,
I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. My first abuser was 11, i was 7; i often wish i could sit down w/ her now, and just talk about what happened- as an adult, i realize her actions didn't come out of a vacuum, and though i have a very good idea who her abuser was, i never got to ask her. Of course, even if i found her today, it might be too much for her, but i can't help wishing for a chance to forgive.


Thank you. I hope that I will someday be able to confront my own abusers (in this case, both brothers, I think - I can't remember faces from the incident) like you did.

I also hope that I will be able to confront my parents, who did nothing productive much earlier when they might have intervened.

It gets so complicated when the abuser is also a family member or a trusted person - which is true in the vast majority of cases.

I always thought that abusing someone was a choice - now I realize that, although it is still a choice, some people are so broken and confused that they have no sense of boundaries anymore. This became clear when my brother began rambling last night, before having to fly out to another state for a hearing.

I've never heard him talk so much... And what he did say made it clear how confused his mind is.

Thank you.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189847 - 11/03/07 05:41 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: MarkAnthony]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: MarkAnthony
EJ: I am sorry for you, your brother and the boy. My heart aches too and it has for years, probably always will...so much suffering...thank God the healing can begin.


Thank you.

In a way, I am glad this happened... I am glad that the teenage boy was old enough and open enough with his parents that he could tell them what happened.

If it had not happened, perhaps the healing would never have begun to happen because my brother would still think that he could "fix himself" (his own words).

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#189848 - 11/03/07 05:43 PM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: WalkingSouth]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Originally Posted By: walkingsouth
I too feel compassion toward you, and for the boy, especially the boy. Not really sure what to think about the perpetrator, but I certainly cannot bring myself to hate him. Just ambivalent I guess. I admire your courage in this matter.


Thank you, John.

I just want to point out that the perpetrator in this case IS the boy, in a way, whose own abuse went unchecked and untreated.

That's what makes this so complicated.

I now wonder if his own unforgiveness of the older boy who abused him is part of what allowed him to continue the cycle.

_________________________
"Become who you are." -Nietzsche

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#190291 - 11/07/07 03:08 AM Re: ***Survivors Only - My Brother Confessed*** [Re: evanescentjoy]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi EJ, I am sorry that your brother did not get therapy, for what happened to him. Question, were you able to get therapy for what happened to you? In both you and your brothers cases, boundaries were crossed that should not have been crossed. Your brother was sexual abused by this older neighbor, who he likely looked up to, probably liked, and hoped would be his friend. He was betrayed. The same thing happened to you. This does not mean that you will become a perpetrator, it did not cause your brother to become a perpetrator. But what it did do is cause a great deal of confusion in his head. I am sure the same is true for you. For some people the boundaries become weakened and blurred.

I have a old friend, used to be my best friend in high school. He molested a young boy, about 13 years old in 1995. He turned himself in, plead guilty, and got ten years probation's, no jail time. ( note, my friend did all this through a lawyer) Part of his probation was group therapy, which he was forced to attend. He did not feel that was helping him, so he went to the VA and got one on one counseling. He is now off probation but still goes to the VA for counseling. I did not learn of this until 2001, when I moved back to Texas. I had just got up the nerve to tell my friend about me being raped in 1968, and two weeks later I found out that he was a sex offender. For the next three years I avoided my friend.
But I got to thinking about it, if he had no one to talk to, would he not be more likely to do it again? So I reintroduced myself to him. I see him on occasion, to see how he is doing. The friendship will never be the same. But I can talk to him.

In my own case, I came very close to doing the same thing to a young girl. you can read about it. I have a link in my signature, to a page of links to my important messages. Just take your time reading.

Last but not least, I wanted you to know about, Pandora's Aquarium, http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?act=idx Pandora's Aquarium is another large web site, but they have about 3,000 ladies there. So if you want to talk about what happened to you, and some of the fallout from it, you will find it to be a place where you can talk about you.
Wishing you well,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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