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#189524 - 11/01/07 04:47 PM New and need advice
mollyr Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 5
I have never used a post website before, but I guess there's a first time for everything. My boyfriend is a survivor and then was sexually compulsive and cheated on me numerous times (Gosh, I never thought I would be writing those words) at the beginning of our relationship - it was like he was living a double life - times 10. He is not doing these behaviors any more (to my knowledge - it sucks I have to qualify like this - I feel like everyone's like - yeah right girl, you're such a fool, that's what you think...), is in specialized therapy, we went to the conference last weekend, and are beginning couples therapy. I am a psychologically healthy person - I am not some crazy dependent woman who is driven to dysfunction - I am staying with him ONLY because he is making tangible changes in his life for all to see. I care for him and try to support him but am having trouble with the resentment I feel for him betraying me and lying to me in the past. I care for and want to move foward with him, but want to get through the memories and the pain. Suggestions? I have seen so many negative postings - I know people usually only post when they are upset, but it seems like maybe I'm consigning myself to a life of pain.


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#189529 - 11/01/07 04:58 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: mollyr]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Welcome...
Although I am relatively new here also, I can tell you that this a great place. From my perspective as a survivor -- who also betrayed his wife's trust --- I salute your courage. I am constantly amazed at the courage my wife has shown throughout our ordeal.

I am sure you will here from other partners soon.

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#189533 - 11/01/07 05:11 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: Gerald2007]
mollyr Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 5
Thank you. It is so hard, and he is always asking what he can do to make it better - I wish I had an easy answer. Does anyone know the answer?


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#189537 - 11/01/07 05:18 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: mollyr]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Hi Mollyr,
Welcome and sorry that you need to be here and for your pain.
you will find so many of us partners who have experienced what you are going through.

I understand that feeling of resentment, seems like its a constant when trying to deal with CSA and the man you love. I believe at some point we all feel it. Glad you both are starting therapy, this will afford you in-site to an otherwise closed emotional void.
I do recommend that if you are committed to your bf and this relationship, that you also visit a therapist yourself. It certainly makes viewing the ups and downs of CSA much easier.

Your last sentence really grabs me...
but it seems like maybe I'm consigning myself to a life of pain.

If you have any doubts, STOP and rethink your decision to go forward as your commitment to him will be tested many many times as the two of you navigate CSA.
Most important is your ability to set real boundaries that you can live with and protect, as he might not have any or know how to recognize yours for what they truly are. TAKE CARE OF YOU as once this ride (CSA) starts for some partners, it is very hard to make sense of it all.

Without trust, there is no relationship, so if you cannot let go of your past feelings and hurts..you will have a problem going forward. Here is where a Therapist will help you the most.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...I am here (as are others) if you need to talk. Just reach out in post or PM (private message).
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#189538 - 11/01/07 05:18 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: mollyr]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Hi Mollyr,
Welcome and sorry that you need to be here and for your pain.
you will find so many of us partners who have experienced what you are going through.

I understand that feeling of resentment, seems like its a constant when trying to deal with CSA and the man you love. I believe at some point we all feel it. Glad you both are starting therapy, this will afford you in-site to an otherwise closed emotional void.
I do recommend that if you are committed to your bf and this relationship, that you also visit a therapist yourself. It certainly makes viewing the ups and downs of CSA much easier.

Your last sentence really grabs me...
but it seems like maybe I'm consigning myself to a life of pain.

If you have any doubts, STOP and rethink your decision to go forward as your commitment to him will be tested many many times as the two of you navigate CSA.
Most important is your ability to set real boundaries that you can live with and protect, as he might not have any or know how to recognize yours for what they truly are. TAKE CARE OF YOU as once this ride (CSA) starts for some partners, it is very hard to make sense of it all.

Without trust, there is no relationship, so if you cannot let go of your past feelings and hurts..you will have a problem going forward. Here is where a Therapist will help you the most.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...I am here (as are others) if you need to talk. Just reach out in post or PM (private message).
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#189540 - 11/01/07 05:27 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: mollyr]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi Molly,

Welcome. I am glad that you are sticking with him.

The behaviors that he has exhibited are addictive behaviors, meaning that it has been basically beyond the scope of his control. I know that sounds weird, but his abuse has thrown him into a world of sexual addiction. And addiction places a person beyond being able to make good choices.

However, he does have to make the choice to want to become healthy. He will need a lot of support to stay healthy and make healthy choices. Therapy would be great for him. He also needs to support system of people who have sexual addictions. There are sexual addiction groups available across the country. You might want to try to find an SA (Sex Anonymous) group in your area on the internet.

Meanwhile, he is going to have to be open and honest with you about his behaviors, activities and, most of all, his feelings.

I hope this is helpful. I wish you all of the best.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.


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#189544 - 11/01/07 05:45 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: MusicMan]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Molly,

We met at the conference and I'm really glad to see that you came to the site. It's a really good place to learn and get advice and vent and rejoice - sometimes all in the same hour.

There is no quick answer as to how you can get past the resentment, the anger and the hurt of his betrayals - take it from one who knows first hand. Time is your biggest ally as long as that time is spent re-learning one another and working to be two healthy committed people. The fact that both of you went to the conference shows that you have a great ability to be honest with each other and to talk about the most painful of memories, for both you. I think that gives you a great leg up.

Welcome

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189564 - 11/01/07 09:01 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: Trish4850]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
welcome

_________________________
Wish You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#189642 - 11/02/07 09:53 AM Re: New and need advice [Re: Still]
mollyr Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone so much! You all seem to understand exactly what I'm going through.


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#189679 - 11/02/07 01:10 PM Re: New and need advice [Re: mollyr]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Molly, nice to meet you. I think it is great that you were both able to go to the conference. As a wife of a survivor, I can sympathize with your feeling like he's not moving fast enough. It is not easy or fair to be the partner of a survivor, or is their lot in life of being abused fair either. But I consider it a great test how we react to it all at this point. Believe me, there are times I have failed at it very badly. There are times when you just want to scream "what about me and my needs!"

I can't tell you the answer to so desperatly seek, but I can tell you this: when I quit pushing my spouse so hard to work on his issues and allowed him to do it at his own pace, it greatly improved the peace of our home. Obviously, this isn't how it works in every couple, but it has for us. The fact that he was able to attend the conference really is wonderful and therapy too- hang in there.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you are able to find some friendship and support here. Friends and family often mean well, but quite honestly, if they're not living with this every day, they have no clue what our lives are like. We will be here for you.

Violet, or
V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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