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#189347 - 10/31/07 04:58 AM Re: Rob [Re: Kathryn]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Katie-
sorry if it seems like i'm "invading" F&F, but i'm just trying to learn future pitfalls to avoid, hope that's OK, maybe there's some perspective i can offer from "the other side" too-
I was never abused by my mother, but one of my HUGEST resentments was feeling a complete lack of privacy, even mentally; my mother's always been very intelligent and perceptive, and would make even minor deceptions nigh-impossible. I would imagine most non-survivor children have strong needs for separate identity establishment and privacy, past a certain age; but for me, i felt that keenly much earlier, for obvious reasons. I think mom saw this, and it bothered her, and made her try harder to pick my brain, and felt OK w/ "tricking" me into talking/being less secretive; or, if i was stubborn about it, she'd be unable to hide her frustration at not getting 100% from me, and inform me she'd get to the bottom of it, one way or another..listening to my phone conversations, etc. This was all even before i was abused the 2nd time @ 12. Of course, the harder she pushed, or the more clever her psychology or detective work, the more desperate i became to gain a place she couldn't reach me, and the more determined my resistance became. I didn't WANT her to "understand" me; i wanted out of the fishbowl, or to find a nice tear-proof curtain for it. "But i'm your MOTHER!" Yeah. Exactly, Mom. How 'bout cracking open an ice-cold can of BACK OFF? Many other times, however, i was grateful to have such a smart mom who i could go to w/ stuff, (excepting the abuse, NOBODY got that out of me) and who knew how to make me smile.

My point is, if i had these boundary issues, w/o maternal SA, i can't even imagine what Rob might have on his plate. i know that my boundary issues got replayed in my past relationships; i was always searching for that dream woman who was intelligent and empathetic enough to love me, and "read" me well, but who was *never* frustrated by arbitrary emotional/mental "NO TRESPASSING" signs being suddenly erected.
...What do you mean, "there is no such animal?" heh.
More vicious cycles ensued, etc. Of course, i tended to find women w/ boundary issues of their own, which didn't help matters.

...Well, typing all this helped me out a little; i hope it offered you something too.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189457 - 11/01/07 05:50 AM Re: Rob [Re: dgoods]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


dgoods,

Of course you're not invading anything.

And I get what you're saying. Thanks.

Katie


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#442020 - 07/24/13 11:57 AM Re: Adam -- P.S. [Re: Brokenhearted]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Thought this was interesting. Unfortunately my H is in the "Defeated" side from what I can tell....but maybe it is just too early for him to "choose sides."

Deep Inner Decisions that Allow Survivors to Heal

by Ellen P. Lacter, Ph.D., 2005

CHOICES OF STRENGTH AND HEALING**************POSITIONS OF DEFEAT

To choose life.******************************To consider death as an option.

To have deep inner reasons to live.**********To simply exist or look to others for reasons to live.

To find safety if suicidal feelings are not controllable.********************************To look to others to magically stop suicidal feelings.

To hunger for truth, despite the pain, for freedom.*************************************To run from truth and hope for healing without pain.

To take charge of ones memory work.**********To delegate memory work to therapists or others.

To be a loving parent to one's child parts.****To seek an external caregiver for ones child parts.

To be determined to love oneself.*************To give into feelings of unworthiness or defilement.

To defeat fear (except truly self-protective fear).*****To allow life choices to be fear-driven.

To defeat anger (except truly self-protective anger).*****To displace anger onto others or let inner parts do so.

To choose sex only in true, healthy relationships.*******To allow parts to sexually act out or be victimized.

To discover and process the trauma that causes parts to want to act out destructively or self-destructively.***************To allow parts to be destructive or self-destructive.

To be a thriver, to have an internal locus of control.******To be a victim, to have an external locus of control.

To be the leader of ones healing team.****************To want, expect, or demand that others lead.

To connect with others, to have close relationships.******To isolate.

To be kind and considerate of helpers and loved ones.*****To relate to others as if they are not doing enough.

To be financially self-sufficient, or work toward this.*****To expect others to take responsibility for ones life.

To lead. To have a mission to help others.*************To be childlike, to look for others to be caretakers.

Integration (or preserving a few co-conscious parts).******To let dissociated parts take executive control.

To be spiritually centered.*********************To have a weak spiritual foundation.







Stumbled upon this list/thread today. Pure gold. Thanks Brokenhearted.
_________________________
Husky

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