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#182445 - 09/26/07 09:58 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: Lazarus]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Thanks so much for all your thoughts. I need this.

Lazarus - let me try to answer some of your questions.

You ask what it would take to trust a woman sexually. You later gave an answer that is what I have come up with only recently. That is, slow it down. I feel like I never had a normal development of a physical relationship with a girl. I went from early molestation, to rushed sex in adolescence with women I never felt a close intimate bond with. I finally met a woman that I have allowed this emotional intimacy to grow (An old acquaintance, and we started our relationship long distance and online for the first 5 months). But even so, as soon as we met in person again last summer, it was between the sheets fast.

So, I have given her my request of "non sexual activity" while she is here for the visit, but I am imagining more like what you envisioned. Start out with hand holding, non genital touching, kissing, etc. And feel my way from there. Talk to her. Talk to myself about how it all feels. And take your advice - discuss triggers with her. Yet, this seems to be the skill I find difficult: What to discuss and what not to? I love the fantasy of acting like adolescents first discovering each other and doing what feels right all along, but, i get a pit in my stomach sometimes when imagining this because I don't feel like I trust myself enough to state my boundaries. Luckily, I have voiced enough of this to T that she says she will be very sensitive and cautious of our play.

Your next question: So, just what IS your ultimate jerk-off fantasy, and what is the closest you've ever come to that in real life? This is where it gets tricky. I tried masturbating while fantasizing about my good friend (straight, who knows nothing about my bisexuality) months ago for the first time. It was amazing. None of the guilt that I have during sex with women (even in fantasies) but it felt very loving and accepting. I refrain from thinking of him too much for fear of becoming wrapped up in the fantasy of him and whatever consequences that might bring. How much value do I place on fantasies???

Real life male sex: I have been sexual with one gay friend (who wanted to be serious) and some guys I met in Amsterdam. None of these experiences were the epiphany I feel I'm yearning for. In fact, even though there wasn't the guilt that I associate with sex with women, it wasn't that exciting. I'd even say that I'd rather have sex with women even with the guilt!
Lazarus, you later ask where the guilt comes from with women: It is difficult to say if it is guilt of pleasing her or me, because it seems like both. I'd say it's more a guilt I am "using" her even though my heart isn't in it like it feels in my fantasies about Andy. Once, T and I were having sex, and close to the end, I imagined that I was fucking a man. An unidentifiable man, but a man nonetheless. I remember that orgasm was a release like none before with her. (or after). Yet, I did feel guilt since I wasn't "with her" in my head.

I know you are right about the male role model thing, too. My sexual urges definitely stem mainly from emotional connections with men. Recently, I have noticed more arousal when looking at strangers, though, with my straight, good friends, I feel a strong physical longing that transcends even genitals. A trust, a love, a connection, that I miss with women.

Again, I just thought, "How much of this could I tell Tanya? I want her to understand, and our intimate moments grow from my honesty. But, she is biased - she loves me and wants to have a committed, long term relationship with me. She takes things personally which I really don't see as about HER per se, so I often hold back.

Which is why I need a counselor. I'm looking for one I can do online sessions with since I'm in the middle east. We'll see.
T is so supportive of this, she has gone online and looked for me. This woman truly loves me. I only wish it weren't so hard to love myself (and/or her) when sex comes up.

Thanks again for you kindness and thoughts. I feel like I'm getting a taste of the intimacy I crave from men.


C


p.s. Sorry about being on this thread if it's not appropriate, but I don't want to change now after getting so many helpful responses.



Edited by Csmith (09/26/07 10:00 AM)

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#182551 - 09/26/07 06:58 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: Csmith]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Corbin,

Originally Posted By: Csmith
Thanks for those who read this whole thing. I am in desperate need of some insight and support. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.


Yep, read the whole thing. ;\) I just wanted to let you know that a few minutes ago I posted on the other thread currently going in this forum, about fantasies about men, that you might find helpful. Just some ideas to think about.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#182554 - 09/26/07 07:07 PM Re: I am Bisexual...I Think (May Be Triggering) [Re: jakemed]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jake,

Originally Posted By: jakemed
Are there any other "straight" men out there that know in their heart they are straight but have a "fetish" for penis? Does that make sense?


Yep, it makes all the sense in the world! An abused boy will often see the abuser's power over him as focused on the penis: his own, because he thinks this is what has "attracted" the abuser, and the abuser's penis as well, which is of course what the abuser wants to have serviced.

This feeling for the power and "centrality" of the penis can lead the boy to eroticize the penis in general. The path to doing this is made all the easier by the fact that the boy's boundaries have been reduced to rubble anyway; all the taboos have been broken.

So Jake, this is more likely to be an abuse issue than a matter of sexuality. A guy can be straight (although I dislike the labels), and his sexual fantasies can still get hijacked by those old feelings and scenarios he went through as a boy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#182717 - 09/27/07 09:53 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: kellygtx]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Hi Kelly:
Thanks for the reply. I hope through discussion with others that are as confused as I am that I can feel beter about myself.
Thanks
KENKEN

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#189368 - 10/31/07 09:56 AM Re: I am Bisexual...I Thiink (May Be Triggering) [Re: testingWaters]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Again, you speak to me, TW. I too, have experimented with men. And it wasn't what I imagined. Not nearly as fun. Kinda boring, actually.

These days I tend to fantasize more about men, though. My sexual experience is far more with women. Only a couple times of guy sex (not including my childhood friend and I) When I'm single, I halfheartedly look for guys to be with, but i'm just not into it. I feel like I could let myself be taken over perhaps, but I don't really want that. I don't want to feel like I don't have control. Sometimes, with male friends, the pull is so powerful that it scares me. With women, it seems more manageable. Yet, at the same time, I WANT that heavy fantasy-induced sensation.

But what do I really want? I want emotional support and closeness. I am getting with my fiance more of this then I've ever come close to. And a big part of this is that I am allowing myself to not be afraid. To not let my guilt stop me from being here for her. Some guys on this site say they don't feel like they can give women what the want or need, and I have felt like this in the past. But for once, I am feeling like I can. When she asks for my love. Reassurance that I love her, I give it to her. Sometimes it's a bit difficult, but when I decide to do it, it feels amazing. It is like a burden off of me, and I think part of this is that I am being selfless. I am letting go of my fear of the future or past and just being HERE with her and wanting her to feel loved and cared about. At these moments, it seems utterly ridiculous that I question my sexuality.

But later, when I start to analyze everything, my fears come back.

thanks for letting my unload here. I gotta go, but this was good.

C


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