Thanks Eddie ... i guess -
I haven't been to nosmv here in a while. bc I didn't like the way I felt attacked when I was asking legitmate questions about my orientation. I want to say a note of thanks to geteddie for pointing out the DID thing (from a previous post in "Too Many Questions..."
John was smarter then a person in #1 and #3 at the age of 6...he had to be a lot smarter to dissocate in any form rather then #1...so he dissocated into another person to take all the pain of the abuse...and is now having all the problems that.. SA childhood males by other males...have... plus DID or MPD...whatever you want to call it.
I had never before read much or considered much about the possibility of that being a deal w me. Even though I attended a seminar on it while doing my Social Work Internship w Univ of MD Dept of Psychiatry.
So I went and got a book out of the library
Steinburg, M (2000). The Stranger In The Mirror: Dissociation The Hidden Epidemic.
Now I can FINALLY understand where all of my Self-Defeating messages have been coming from and why after Years of thpy already - I never progressed past a certain point and MATURED.
The last 3 weeks have been pure HELL for me as I have literally and physically fought w myself and nearly found myself in the hospital (it could still come down to that).
I had already been "introduced" to [i]Little John[\i] (L J), but since then I have met [i]Montreal[\i], and [i]Jeff[\i]. Each part having a seperate agenda and way of looking at the world.
And I am learning that to "talk" w them does not mean I am insane - but just the opposite ... that I am FINALLY giving the parts of me that had to disconnect to survive their chance to have a voice - which they were denied 30y ago. So that I don't have to put up w [i]mystery[\i] self-sabotaging behavior anymore.
When you think about it isn't crazy at all - I mean geez, [i]I have NO memories up to 3rd grade - assuming people don't remember much before age 4 ... that is like 4 whole years ... just gone[\i]. It All Went Somewhere and Well, Now I have to find a way to handle the emotional weight of what is back there. That is going to be FIELDTRIP TO HELL, Part II. But I am working on getting extra therapy and medicine for that to try and keep me out of the hospital - if possible.
Oh well, time for me to move on. [i]If any of you guys are feeling STUCK[\i] and have been in therapy w no progress ... Get this book and take a brutally honest look at yourselves it could help save you.