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#189134 - 10/29/07 09:47 PM girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help
gf Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 3
hi everyone.
if you can, please help me learn how to go about helping my boyfriend. he is 30 yrs old and i found out for the first time this weekend that he was sexually abused. me, my boyfriend, and one of his best friends were out saturday night. his bestfriend was driving us home, and his bestfriend made a joke, which i only partially heard, about the guard at the community my boyfriend had lived at and some sort of sexual referece. then my boyfriend said he made him touch him. me and his friend thought he was joking. once we got home and were alone he was angry that me and his friend had laughed. i apologized and explained that his friend had just made a joke about something along those lines and since he laughed and said it in a joking manner, we just thought he was joking also. he listened to me apologize, tell him that i was sorry that happened to him, and hug him, but then he said he didn't want my pity and pushed me away. he was drunk and was trying to get in his car and was talking about ending it all. i fought him for the keys and made him come back into his apartment. i tried to talk to him about it, but all he told me was that he was raped and that his cousin was the abuser (he changed it from guard to cousin, i think he had really been abused by the cousin and at first felt ashamed or scared to say that) and that he didn't want me to know which cousin it was because he didn't want me to think about it if i ever met them at family functions. i asked him why he never said anything all the time we have been together, or to his bestfriend who had been driving us. he said that it was not soemthing that you brag about and that it isnt soemthing that makes him feel good. i told him i understood, but that he didn't have to feel bad, that it was not his fault. i asked him what he did to him, but he said it was the past, and that talking about it only makes him relive it and did i really want him to have to relive it? so then i didn't ask anymore questions. eventually we both passed out, and i had to be up very early to be at a law school function. when i was done with school i called him and asked him if he remembered last night. he said he did, and then he said to ignore stuff he says when he is drunk, but i asked him if that had really happened to him and he said yes. i said i was sorry that it did, and he just said he didnt want to talk about it, that we should forget it. i told him he not to close me out and that he could not just deny what happened. but i didnt know what else to say. i wanted to ask so many questions - when? how old was he? how many times? what happened? -- i feel sad that he was hurt when he was such an innocent little boy (i dont even know if it was when he was little, this is just what i assumed). i love him so much. i am shocked that this really happened because he does not seem to have any issues with sex (not that this would always be the case) and at the same time i guess it explains the darkness i have soemtimes seen in his eyes, or the way he can sit and think of absolutely nothing. he does not talk to his father, and he has never explained the reasons why. all i know is his father has been married several times and he cheated on his mom. i tried asking about his dad a few times a while ago, but whenever i did his eyes would close up (i say close up when i mean that i could see he was not going to respond, that he was shutting soemthing out) and all he would say was that it was the past and he not been a good man and there was no need for me to know about it. i let it go, but now i do not know how to proceed. i can't stop thinking about what happend to im, playing different scenarios in my head, imagining terrible things, and i keep asking myself questions that have no answers. i do not think denial is the way to go, but at the same time, i am no expert. he seems happy for the most part, but he does drink alot at times, although usually i have attributed it to stress from a job he hates. i don't know if this coping mechanism is working for him and i should let things be. i don't know if he has told anyone else. i feel sad and stressed because i want to help, but don't know how. i have so much school work, but i cannot concentrate. i am scared to ask him anythign when i am not there (we dont live together, i usually stay with him on weekends) because i am scared he might get upset and want to hurt himself. i hope someone has been able to sit through this entire rambling of mine, and that they can give me some advice. he is the best man i have ever met, and i told him i would never let him go no matter what, and that is the truth. thank you for any help you can give me.


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#189137 - 10/29/07 10:12 PM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: gf]
Samuel_D Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 16
I can relate! I just registered tonight, and read your story. My husband 32 is in his recovery stages. It has been a long hard road. We have been married now for eight years and have two kids. Our life, "his life" has been affected in the worst ways because of what happend to him. He decided to get help about two months ago. And is seeing a theripist.."helping so much" He was abused starting at age six until he was thirteen. By his own brother whom was nine years older then him. It is tramatic...and my husband did the same thing his whole life..just put it off as the past. And thought he could deal with it on his own. But you can't. It is a horrible thing, and neither of us can even imagine how humilating it is...and how it robs your life, and you don't even realize it. At least this is what he tells me...I will write more..got to get the kids to sleep.


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#189141 - 10/29/07 10:28 PM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: Samuel_D]
Samuel_D Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 16
Ok I am back. I found out about my husbands abuse 6 years ago. I had no idea how to help him. I did all I could, but he refused it. It was like he did not want to deal with it. But now that he sees how it has ruined him. And how it is ruining our marriage. he took the step to change his life. To become the man he wanted to be, but never had the chance at being. I love him so much. He is a wonderful father and husband. But he has anger issues, and has no self_worth, although is very talented. Before you can help him, he has to want to be helped. And by him telling what happend to him just opened the door. Don't let it close. Like I said it took me six years. Although there was so much to deal with....he still felt he wanted to have his brother in his life. Now that he is dealing with it...he has complety cutt off all assocaition with him. That was the first step,,,he faced his anger at his brother the abuser...and put the blame where it needed to be. I am no profesional, I am just a wife of a man who was abused as a boy. Each situation is differnt, and everyone handals things differently. You being on this forum is already helping him, I recommend the professional help. My husband has done better these last few months then he has his whole life. He has post stramatic stress disorder...very common in those abused. he sees his theripist one to two times a week. He breaks down every now and then as well. You being there to listen to him is the biggest thing. they need that more then anything... be a listing ear and a crying shoulder. This is just the begining, but I hope we can keep in touch. I came to this site, because I to want to find out more, and dow whatever more I can to help my husband through this. It has been so hard. Don't give up...


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#189144 - 10/29/07 10:32 PM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: Samuel_D]
gf Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for replying. I hope he does open up more with time, I can only imagine how difficult it is. I hope for the best for you and your husband. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.


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#189188 - 10/30/07 09:03 AM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: gf]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
gf,

I'm at work now, so I can't respond at length, but I wanted to welcome you to this place of healing. The men and women here are amazing and you can see that all of our struggles are the basically the same, with each individual bringing their own insights and expereiences to the forefront. You are not alone in this and neither is your husband.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189204 - 10/30/07 10:03 AM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: Trish4850]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Welcome gf,


I understand how you are feeling right now.....it is shocking to learn that the person we love was hurt as a child. I too played out all possible scenarios/worried about all aspects of it. One minute i was crying, chopping vegetables for the kids tea, the next i was having to turn round and force myself to smile at my kids like everything was ok......


It is important to give yourself a little time to assimilate this new information. You sound like a sensitive person who really loves her bf and wants to be there for him, so that's a great start......I do believe it is true though, that proffessional help is really necessary, often for a survivor's partner too, since this is such complicated stuff to deal with. Seeing a T has been the very best thing for my bf and for me also, but as far as encouraging your bf to seek the support of a good T, it is a very tricky issue I believe trying to convince another to do that(and I speak for myself, not just my bf here).


This is a very good place to come to share difficult times, seek emotional support and understanding.


peace
Beccy


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#189277 - 10/30/07 05:44 PM Re: girlfriend of survivor just found out, please help [Re: beccy]
gf Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 3
thanks beccy,

i do want to be there for him in any way i can, and you are right that it is a shock. i too have been studying or in class one minute and then in tears the next. it is hard to accept that it happened (not that i ever did not beleive him, just that it is difficult to grasp as a new reality). i was actually thinking of seeing a T myself because of how i have been having difficulty controlling or grasping how i feel, or understanding how to proceed in helping my bf, and because i feel like there is no one but a T who i could talk about it with without violating my bf's trust. i do think he needs profesional help, since it is such a difficult and traumatic experience, but i am not sure how to help him get to the point of seeking help. thanks for your encouragement.
sincerely, gf


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