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#189160 - 10/30/07 12:01 AM Deleted
rehpotsirhcs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/07
Posts: 204
Deleted post.



Edited by rehpotsirhcs (11/27/07 07:08 PM)

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#189164 - 10/30/07 12:59 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: rehpotsirhcs]
Darren Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
Hi reh! Congrats on posting... the first one is a toughie. I'm sure you'll find everyone here is very friendly. And there are no dumb questions. Sexual abuse means when someone older than you who is in a position of trust abuses that trust for their own sexual pleasure. It's really important because it ruins peoples lives. You were not in a position to consent to any kind of sexual activity wtih your stepdad so it appears you were sexually abused. Sometimes it takes many years for the damage to become apparent. Because it doesn't really bother you now doesn't mean it hasn't affected you in a much more profound way. I'd encourage you to read more about it. Check out the books section of this website. And be wary of your counselor. School counselors are generally not supposed to be driving students home. He might only have the best of intentions but just be careful. Take care. -Darren

_________________________
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain

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#189169 - 10/30/07 01:50 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: Darren]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
rehpo:

It is important to know that since the only real attention anyone has ever shown you was sexualized, you might confused as to what is appropriate or not. I know I am.

But what is important about what constitutes abuse are three very important factors. Is it meant to be kept a secret? Was it used to gain power? Does it make you feel ashamed?

If any one of those three factors are there, then it is probably abuse. It is absolutely important, since you were abused once before, that you talk to someone if anyone does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Whether that be on this board, a teacher, or your parents, it is important to talk about these things.

I hope you're doing okay, Rehpo. Take care of yourself.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#189179 - 10/30/07 04:50 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: BJK]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
BJK said it well, i hope you're OK. This counselor- does he like to be or go places with no one else around, except you? Does he act different when other people are around, than he does w/ just you? He has ever wanted to meet your Mom, or spoken with her on the phone? Has he ever offered to help you find a professional to talk to, if you wanted? Are there any other boys at your school that see this counselor, that you could ask if he ever seemed creepy or weird? Does he encourage you to try to make friends w/ other people your age that you know? Does he seem concerned w/ who else you might talk to? Abusers love to get jobs that let them be alone w/ kids for long periods of time. They can, and will, say and do, anything to get you to like them, to trust them, and to never tell on them. They know what to say and do so that you would rather think it's your imagination, instead of them being creepy, or that you wanted them to pay attention to you like "that". IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Normal adults want romance or sex w/ other adults, not children or teenagers. It doesn't matter if the adult is straight, gay, or bi- or if the child or teenager turns out to be straight, gay or bi; there are no special rules or situations which make it OK for an adult to be interested in a young person "that way". They may make it seem like they know how you feel, and that you're the same as them, only younger; they may tell you how "special" you are, or how "special" your relationship is; but the minute you seem ready to tell someone else what they do and say when you're alone, they will change from being friendly and wise.They change after they get what they want, too- They may beg you desperately not to tell, or they might get angry, or cold and nasty and tell you that it's your secret too. They might tell you no one will believe you, or that they'll get you sent away or in some other trouble; they may remind you they're still bigger and stronger than you. They may insult you by saying no one will care, that only THEY care about you, and you're lucky they do. They may try to get you to think it was YOUR idea, that they were only giving you what you asked for. It doesn't matter, IT'S ALL LIES! Every single thing a creep does or says to you is a lie to get you to do what they want- they don't see you as a person to be loved, they see you as something to use. Predators are terrified of being told on, b/c they know what they're doing IS WRONG.Don't ever feel like you "let" them do anything, you were never in a position to know better.
It can very VERY hard to finally feel like you found a friend, then to think that they don't care about you, and are using you. Don't ignore your gut feeling because it seems easier to! There's a GOOD reason why you feel "weird", or nervous or uneasy thinking about it- because part of you KNOWS a normal adult doesn't act that way. You will never get in trouble for telling; no one will blame you- getting some adults upset is FAR LESS IMPORTANT than staying safe! Your Mom may have never talked about it because she feels bad that she didn't see your stepdad was apedophile. But when she caught him abusing you, she got upset, and got you both far away from him, didn't she? Even if you and Mom may not be best friends, she would want to know right away if someone was abusing you now. If she got angry or upset, it would be at the abuser, not you. YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG. Because my abuser made it so hard for me to tell, other kids probably got abused after me, and i hate him for that, as much as i hate him for doing stuff to me. If you never tell, they keep doing it until they get caught, or die.
Remember, creeps count on it being hard to tell, and they count on it being harder to tell the more time goes by. Whether it's Mom, me, or someone else here, or some other adult you trust, or even someone your own age you can talk to, tell as much as you can! You'll feel better once you've told, and the world doesn't end after all. If i seem intense, it's because i know how much this can hurt on the inside, and i wish so bad i could've told my true story a long time ago. I was confused and alone for over 20 years, you don't have to be, if you let someone help you. All i can do is answer your posts and chat w/ you, I don't know where you live or what your name really is, and that's as it should be on the internet. But the site is real, the people on it are real, and nothing would make me or BJ, or any of the others happier, than to know we helped you be safe, even if you just needed us to help you have the strength to tell someone. Whatever you're feeling, even if you're mad at me, numb, scared, confused, whatever- IT'S OK- you're a normal person trying to deal with abnormal events. Coming here for the first time is never easy, and talking about it isn't either.You have nothing to be sorry for; you did just fine.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189180 - 10/30/07 06:29 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: dgoods]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
and always remember....there does not have to be touch involved for it to be considered abuse.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#189207 - 10/30/07 10:37 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: BJK]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear rehpotsirhc,
I'm one of the guys that talked with you in chat a few weeks back. I'm Russ, REJ in the chat room. I'm going to be pretty blunt with you. I hope that is okay. I hope you can see from what these other guys are saying to you that you probably need to keep both eyes wide open where your counselor is concerned. I recall you telling us about going on a hike with him. That raised a concern to me a few weeks ago. There is a period of time of open friendship that happens often times when an adult and a young person have...when the adult may have improper intentions...and it's called grooming. The adult is getting the young person comfortable with him. Letting you be in his office at lunch. Giving you a ride home each day from school. Is this "normal" behavior for a school counselor? Probably not. Can it be viewed as something nice he is doing for someone? Sure. Is it leading to something bad? It's hard to know for sure. But, you are very young. You have shared some information with him about yourself that was probably hard to share. So, please be careful.

One more thing. You said that you and your mom haven't talked about what happened between you and your step dad because it would be too weird. If there is any way you could work toward having that conversation, I think it would be a good idea to do just that. It would probably be a good relief for both of you. And, wouldn't you rather have shared that talk with your mother than the school counselor?

Good, luck. You're doing the right thing. I'm very proud of you.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#189210 - 10/30/07 11:07 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: trusty]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Rehpo,

Just want you to know that I was in chat with you last night. My chat name is bjohn13. I'm proud of you for what you shared with us.

I hope you are okay.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#189215 - 10/30/07 11:35 AM Re: my introduction and question [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
rehpo,

You are getting some very good advice here. I will just add that if an adult is talking to you, helping you, and making you feel special, look at what's going on and ask yourself this: "Is all this for me, or for him?" That is, do you feel he's crowding in on you, asking embarrassing questions, stressing how special things are between you, and isolating you from other sources of support? If so, be VERY careful.

The think you need to remember always, bro, is that you DESERVE to feel special, important, and respected. You don't have to remain with one person who gives you that, but at a cost that makes you feel uncomfortable or confused.

If you have ANY questions or problems you need to talk about, just PM me or another moderator right away. You won't be blamed or judged - just helped. That's what we do here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#189240 - 10/30/07 01:39 PM Re: my introduction and question [Re: roadrunner]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
repho,

my first thought when I read your post is that your counselor was abused and is trying to help you or protect you in his way. I definitely agree with what Larry said though. If you feel at all that your counsellor is crowding you or being inappropriate, back off or stop the relationship.

The great thing about your counselor, is that he has given you a place to find help, and some tools to protect yourself. You could be having feelings that are very confusing for no other reason than you are being given healthy attention, from an adult who respects your boundaries. You just need to remain aware that you do have boundaries and he must respect them.

I think others have done a great job answering what sexual abuse is.

I'm glad you found this place, and WELCOME to the site.

Keith.


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#189242 - 10/30/07 02:09 PM Re: my introduction and question [Re: KeithR]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
rehpotsirhcs,

I work in the healthcare profession and I have worked with a lot of teens and kids. I have run kids camps for at-risk kids. I am active with my son in Boy Scouts. I NEVER place myself alone with a child or adolescent. In my professional role, I would NEVER take a kid on a hike by myself (only in a group with parents permission). In Scouts they call it the two on one rule. A boy is NEVER allowed to be alone with another adult or another boy. This IS my practice. I don't know what your counselor's intentions are ... he may be well-meaning, but I can tell you that I have a lot of fear when I read your post. As a father of a teen-ager, speaking as a dad, I wouldn't allow you to hang out with the counselor outside the school/office setting. PLEASE discuss this with your mother. Trust your gut it appears that you are already experiencing some uncomfortableness or you would not be raising this question.
Peace

_________________________
GD

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