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#189131 - 10/29/07 09:37 PM opening up after 25 years
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Hi all, I just started opening up about my abuse. It has taken 3 years of therapy and I just found out that my therapist is adept in this area. She told me how abusers work and that it was not my fault. What an amazing thing and such a weight has been lifted from me. I have spent years hiding my abuses because of shame,guilt, and fear. I abused drugs and alcohol for about 13 years because I hated myself for being abused.I have had 4 attempted suicides and two hospitalizations. I lived with my abuser for a year where I was brain washed, gas lighted, and used. I turned away from family and friends to move in with this so called friend and then the nightmare began. It was only a miracle I escaped. I was 10 years before I could partially function in the real world. Nobody would listen to me in my family I was so broken. They guy was a pedo & a satanist. There were rituals that I still bare on my chest a 4 inch scar from a razor cut that he drank the blood from. I was witness to incest, child abuse, and of course my own abuse. My only regret not is that I had not been ready to tell my therapist sooner about the abuse. But I am so relieved now to know I was not my fault and I was not a willing party to this horrific experience. I hope this post does not offend anyone it is not my intent. There is just so much abuse that went on in that year and in earlier years its hard to get out what I need to without including the parts the than sexual. I am still working on these issues and need friends that understand which I have only a couple at this time.
Thanks for being here.
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#189139 - 10/29/07 10:23 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: GateKPR4]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Rick,
Congratulations on finding the courage to confront your past. I'm so happy to see that you are finding out that the shame is not yours, but that it belongs to your perpetrator.

You have survived for a reason. You are strong. The world needs you. You will make it. Keep up the good work.

Welcome to Male Survivor. You'll find many friends here who understand the pain you've experienced and can help you through the hard times. Keep posting here on this site.

Peace to you, brother.
Will you count me as another friend?
I'm here for you.

Much Love,
Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#189140 - 10/29/07 10:25 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: GateKPR4]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Rick,
Glad you're here. this is the best place on earth to work on this stuff. You've found a great bunch of guys. What you're dealing with is huge and overwhelming. Take it slow and let it all out here. Your first post is the hardest. you've done it. that was brave. Read other posts here - chances are you'll find guys who feel just like you do. The more you post, the better you'll feel - like letting out poison.
be kind to yourself.
Paul


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#189259 - 10/30/07 03:56 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: Paul1959]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Rick-
Welcome!
Great to hear from you- i too took a long time to face things, and did a lot of drinking/drugging to run from it; i can identify w/ that absolutely. This is a great place, just knowing that you're not alone is wonderful. Hope to hear more from you! \:\)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189274 - 10/30/07 05:19 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: dgoods]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rick,

Welcome to Male Survivor and I'm glad you found us. You're right - none of it was your fault. All the wonderful people here will help you to consolidate that conviction and build on it in your recovery.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#189296 - 10/30/07 08:15 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
welcome-cool adivatar


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#189300 - 10/30/07 08:26 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: sabata]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Welcome, Rick. You have found a place full of understanding and compassionate men... sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

I too took a long time to disclose about my abuse (37 years) and once I did, I wondered what took so long... but in looking back, I wasn't ready until I did it... it was just the "right time" for me. I too struggled with addiction - it was so much easier to go away than deal with the pain... but now that I am working on my recovery, I know I won't go back to booze - this is hard work, but I see it leading somewhere productive... the booze as killing me faster than I like to admit.

Again, welcome
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#189310 - 10/30/07 09:32 PM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: dannym]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thank you all for the warm welcome. My addiction problem was more abuse and escape than addiction, I just wanted to run away. Been sober almost 5 years so booze is not an issue and even less now that I'm dealing with my real issues. Sabata the avatar is Astro boy my childhood hero which was a cartoon that came out in 1963 in the USA. No matter what got him down he always won out. :-)
I fought alcohol and drugs for a long time and after all the shrinks, rehabs, and psych wards nobody ever asked if I had been sexually abused. I remember after my last suicide attempt and in the psych ward they put me in the drug abuse group not the psych group. We did have a group session on sexual abuse but it was no help at all because the therapist had the program geared toward woman. I was so pissed off at such ignorance that I had to talk to her after the group and mention that I was abused and that this group needed more attention on just abuse without the gender issue involved. There were about 8 men and 3 women in the group and it was a disservice to the men by only focusing on female abuse. I just couldn't believe that even in an institution there seemed to be this bias about abuse. Its no wonder we keep it pent up for so long.
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#189472 - 11/01/07 08:15 AM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: GateKPR4]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rick,

I'm glad you went up to the therapist after the session to express your point of view. It's a big step in itself when we recover the ability to ask for what we need.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#189473 - 11/01/07 08:44 AM Re: opening up after 25 years [Re: roadrunner]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Rick-
i'm glad you found MS, i also had drug/alcohol issues for a long time and hospitalizations for suicide. I had to look up "gas lighted" but was glad i did. I hope you find this site as helpful as i do.
Welcome!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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