Newest Members
jmr2191, autumn, tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom
12425 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
6 registered (Bardo, Rich1967, wiresguy1, 3 invisible), 27 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12425 Members
74 Forums
63805 Topics
445544 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#189123 - 10/29/07 08:54 PM Help me with patience
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
Things are improving with me and my husband but it can still be hard. I fight the thought in my head "why can't he just get better already?" and "why doesn't he talk to me and tell me what is going on?"
I see signs that things are improving. I just want them to be better NOW I am sick of waiting for everything to be okay. My husband gave me a note saying he will tell me some things in the future and when he is ready to open up he needs me to not respond just listen. He doesn't want me to cry, ask questions etc. etc.
I kind of understand this.....he needs to be in control of what he says and what he tells and he needs me to be strong. I kindof understand that. But he gave me the note and I feel like....okay bring it on.....I'm ready.....lets go....lets get better.... but now I'm waiting .....waiting......until I'm ready to scream TELL ME WHAT is going on in your head. Of course, I'm not going to do that... (maybe 1 year ago when neither one of us were in therapy) but now I know better. It doesn't make it any easier. I just keep remembering how happy we were before all this mess. We are happy now but I remember when we were carefree and didn't have all this worry. I just long for things to be back the way they were before. I just want things to be better so badly. I want to change things. I want to make things better...force things better. I want to will things to change. However, the battle is not mine. All I can do is nothing.
I have to wait until he is ready. Why is he not ready now? I need patience for tonight. One day at a time.
What do you do when you have to be patient?


Top
#189128 - 10/29/07 09:26 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: weepywife]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi WW,

I picked up on something in your post that may or may not be important, but I can tell you from my own experience with my wife it has been pretty huge for us.

You said,

Quote:
I just long for things to be back the way they were before.

But you know what? It never will be. His recovery process has forever changed the way he looks at or will look at life. In actuality things may end up being better than they ever have been, but if you are still looking for things to be the way they were, you may miss it entirely because you simply won't recognize it.

Please understand I am not trying to call you down here at all, I thoroughly understand your cry and frustration. You do deserve that carefree happiness in your relationship once again. It will happen, but please don't expect things to ever be the same. Your relationship can and will be even better, but don't miss out on it because you're looking for or expecting him to be like he was. He is growing, changing, maturing before your eyes. It takes time, but it will come.

Hope my comments help more than they hurt.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#189129 - 10/29/07 09:29 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: weepywife]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Exactly what you just did! Patience is a virtue, right? Well sometimes I want to throw it right out the window and yell ME ME ME ME ME Take care of ME. Let ME yell and scream and cry. I don't want to be strong, I want to collapse. I want my perfectly happy life back. I want it to be about ME. Does that sound about right?

It's perfectly natural for you to feel exactly the way you do. What isn't natural, but is absolutely extraordinary, is that you are willing to temper what you do and say so that you're husband can find his feet and eventually stand on his own right beside you.

I'd say you're doing pretty damn great!

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#189145 - 10/29/07 10:40 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: Trish4850]
Samuel_D Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 16
Hi hun, I can relate! My husband of eight years now is 32 and we are in recovery stages. He told me six years ago about his abuse. And not just two months ago he finally made that step to therapy. He knew our marriage was on the rocks, and he knew why. His life was taken from him at the age of six, he was abused by his older brother "nine years older" until he was thirteen. Tramatic, but he has realized in time how much it has affected him and all his decisions in his life. Including his anger, depression, it has been so hard. In fact I have a health condition I beleave I incured from the mental anguish. I feel I am at the end of my ropes. But he is trying so hard now. and he is doing so well. I am so proud of him. And I love him more then words can say. He has made so many changes, and I can't wait for the day he can claim his life back. And see what it is like to really have all this behind him, and dealt with. this trully is a process...Patience is very hard to have. I had to be put on a anti..depressesnt to help me get through this past year. This has helped as well. But it has been a long road. I am very tired, and ready for things to get better. And I can see I am not the only one who feels this way.


Top
#189151 - 10/29/07 10:55 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: Samuel_D]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
once a smart woman told me...it is not the destination it is the journey"...i feel your pain in my own situation and i know your tired.. but if the choice is life without him whole, would you want that either???
a journey takes time, with many stops along the road, sometimes getting lost, sometimes finding a shortcut, but all the while it still keeps moving forward....then in time you will reach your destination.
if the car stops and does not move forward. it is time to get off the ride.
do something every day for yourself and your mental health. even a bubble bath or a short walk can be an exercise in reclaiming your sanity. you will be stronger for when the journey is on that stretch of road where the speed limit is only 5 miles a hour and you are ready to scream. It will also afford you the energy when you are on the superhighway and everything is happening at break neck speeds..
never forget that you also have boundaries and choices!

be good to you too..
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#189206 - 10/30/07 10:28 AM Re: Help me with patience [Re: mmac]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I really like what mmac wrote there.....some great advice.


I understand your feelings of impatience WW, and Trish is right when she says, "What isn't natural, but is absolutely extraordinary, is that you are willing to temper what you do and say so that you're husband can find his feet....." You ARE very patient I believe \:\)


Patience is so hard to find sometimes though, I am having difficulties myself in this area over the past few weeks.....my bf feels 'closed' towards me(emotionally, intimately) and doesn't know why. He is at least intending to get to the bottom of it.....I felt hurt that he proceeded to basically shut me out completely on this level for a good while, till I asked him what was wrong and that he looked sad........and it seems i was doing a good job of being in denial about it till I actually asked and he told me.......


It is not so much the thing itself, but his not talking to me about it which causes me the greatest anxiety.....so I really do understand your need for your husband to talk to you.

There are so many things wrong still here in my own relationship, I start to feel I might go crazy......impatience is not even an accurate enough word......



peace
Beccy


Top
#189285 - 10/30/07 06:52 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: beccy]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57

Thanks for all the encouraging replies.
Beccy, That sounds a lot like my situation. My husband will talk to me about everything except ANYTHING that has to do with the abuse. In fact, he just recently started telling me when he is going to therapy. He would get very defensive if I would even ask him when his next appt was. He gets severe anxiety over talking to me about this stuff......which I don't understand. It's just talking? I'm sure some of the survivors will set me straight on why it is so hard.
What is that phrase they use in AA? I know I'm slaughtering it. "God give me the ability to change the situations that I can, the patience to handle situations that I have no control. And the wisdom to know the difference" Somebody please tell me what it really is.


Top
#189344 - 10/31/07 02:53 AM Re: Help me with patience [Re: weepywife]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
weepy-
The Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me:
The serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

-you've certainly understood the point of it.
I get touchy about any reminder i'm "damaged goods", in a sense; once you start dealing w/ it, it's in the back of your mind all the time, if not the front. I'm starting to think the deep shame, anger, etc. associated w/ the CSA made my brain say, "you can't walk around like this all the time, you gotta function, buddy" and shoved it all wayyy out of the way. Dragging it all out into the open means reconciling a 7-year-old me, a 12-year-old me, and the adult me, as well as trying to deal w/ all the burned bridges and debris from over 20 years of sitting on it. I'm jealous of "normal" people's lack of self-sabotage, and effortless handling of minor crap that seems enormously hard to cope w/ for me. I resent all the constant reminders that i'm "different" from most, i mean like forgetting to set an alarm, or take a shower, b/c i was so wrapped up in something else."Yeah, boss- i know i'm late again." Spirals, spirals everywhere- little day-to-day stuff can seem like a minefield to me. When someone who "knows the secret" says something like your app't. question, what you can't hear is the way our minds can twist that into, "Don't forget, Nutso.. you're still broken, and i won't wait forever, lazy little boy." Your soft tone doesn't matter, in a sense; you could be walking on eggshells, we'll still snarl, and then realize what we did, then feel remorseful for that... i know i'm constantly whipping myself to hurry up and get tolerable already, i always am viciously hard on myself, and imagine all others share this impatience and disgust, so a gentle reminder provokes a "ALRIGHT ALREADY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING? I KNOW I SUCK AT EVERYTHING!"-type of emotional/verbal reaction. I often have felt i can't even fail correctly, like no matter what i do, it's wrong. I've said before that knowledge takes a long time to get from the head to the heart, and knowing why i'm a mess is a great starting point, but that's just it- it's a starting point, not the "magic cure" i always was hoping for. Jiminy Cricket never explained the whole "star" thing was a metaphor, and not literal. At least i'm not still stuck on Pleasure Island...hope this helped.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#189381 - 10/31/07 11:52 AM Re: Help me with patience [Re: dgoods]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Spot on, dgoods. Thanks for a great and vivid de>
_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#189393 - 10/31/07 01:34 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: honey girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi hon, did you get a chance to *fill in the blank* is almost always met with "it's not like I sit around here doing nothing all day, I'm pretty busy you know." He doesn't say it nasty, but it sure is on the harsh side and very defensive. It catches me by surprise every time because my question is NEVER meant to imply that he didn't do something because he didn't want to or was slacking off in some way. I call him on it every time because his words seem to be thrown at me as if I'm actually accusing him of something, which I'm not. It never dawned on me that he actually is hearing my question as an accusation. Thank for that enlightenment.

Now the question is, what do I do about it? As I said, I tell him each and every time that I'm not slamming or insulting or accusing or whatever I'm simply asking a question. Like I said above, his defensiveness puts me in a defensive stance because now I'm being accused of something I'm just not doing. I actually don't know how to deal with this new revelation.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#189410 - 10/31/07 03:38 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: Trish4850]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Thanks hg, trish! \:\)

trish-
What's helped me is having conversation about my tendency to "take the ball and run w/ it", discussing it when i'm in a calm rational space mentally, so that w/ practice i've gotten better at not mentally jumping from shame to self-hate to resentment before someone's even said a word to me. Tell him "it never dawned on you" before! He might be assuming you know him inside and out. You know deep down you love each other, right? Use that, plus an appeal to his intellectual side, to emphasize a solid mutual realization of what's really going on. W/o even knowing about my CSA, my ex was very sweet about me always forgetting things, and was as patient as she could be about it. If you're able to talk about the issue w/ full awareness of what's really going on when you're both in a good space to talk, you can both treat these instances as being a bad mental habit related to CSA issues, rather than being evidence of of a fatal relationship flaw. With many things like this, once i realize what i'm doing, it's easier to "nip them in the bud"- You may have to be the one to percieve/realize the true dynamic first when it comes up, but instead of letting it press your buttons, remain as calm as possible and remind him he's filtering again, appeal to his adult side- the side that knows you're only human and trying to help. Don't get sucked into an emotionally frustrating cycle when he's like that, it's like trying to talk to a drunk person in a way. i often realize i reacted instinctively, rather than responding to something, a little later on afterwards, but then the frustration or upset of the other person has already occurred, and the same old "too late" feeling pops up, and i'm too ashamed to apologize and discuss it.
It's good that you've called him on it, that's healthy- you've got every right to your feelings too. But if you remember what's really going on, you can call him on it early, before your emotions color your response, and you can do it in a way that's a reminder to him that you can't have any real communication if he's "forgetting to breathe". Maybe an agreed-upon signal of some sort, a phrase or whatever, to indicate "i feel like you're filtering or projecting instead of listening, i'm feeling defensive, let's not hurt each other by accident anymore" will help him "catch himself in the act", and prevent it from spiralling. It's the whole idea of "mindfulness" in action- and make sure you keep your statements focused on how YOU feel, don't create an opportunity for him to resent you for "presuming to read his mind", if you do end up arguing. But so many arguments are about miscommunication, not opposing intent. Baby steps... just knowing i tend to "jump too far ahead" has made it easier to monitor my thought processes, and stop old thinking/perception habits before they do more needless damage, but of course the path from awareness to practice is not instantaneous, or w/o bumps; but it's still getting there, and i'm much more self-aware in a healthy way now, than before when i was unable to "step outside of my own head" at all. just my 2 cents, hope it helps...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#189432 - 10/31/07 08:37 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: dgoods]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
dgoods,

It does help. Instead of simply telling him that I'm not accusing him of anything, I'll let him know that that's how it sounds to me. I'll point out to him, gently of course, that not every question is a trick question that requires a defense. Probably the biggest part of the reason he does this is the csa, but another part is that he's lied to all day by contractors; that's his job - to catch them lying and cheating and because it really is a part of the industry it happens all the time. As you can imagine, he's very good at his job!

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#189433 - 10/31/07 08:38 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: dgoods]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
DGoods,
That is one of the best explanations that I have ever heard about why my husband hates when I bring up the subject. Thank you for shedding some light on the subject for me.
ww


Top
#189444 - 10/31/07 10:47 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: weepywife]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Wow, Thanks! \:\)

Trish, i hear you- I know that's definitely true about contractors, from NASA to waste removal, it's everywhere- i'm sure the job's stressful for him, but thank him for me- he's doing a great service!
ww, i'm glad you found it helpful, i wish you and your hubby all the best!


_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.