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#189410 - 10/31/07 03:38 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: Trish4850]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Thanks hg, trish! \:\)

trish-
What's helped me is having conversation about my tendency to "take the ball and run w/ it", discussing it when i'm in a calm rational space mentally, so that w/ practice i've gotten better at not mentally jumping from shame to self-hate to resentment before someone's even said a word to me. Tell him "it never dawned on you" before! He might be assuming you know him inside and out. You know deep down you love each other, right? Use that, plus an appeal to his intellectual side, to emphasize a solid mutual realization of what's really going on. W/o even knowing about my CSA, my ex was very sweet about me always forgetting things, and was as patient as she could be about it. If you're able to talk about the issue w/ full awareness of what's really going on when you're both in a good space to talk, you can both treat these instances as being a bad mental habit related to CSA issues, rather than being evidence of of a fatal relationship flaw. With many things like this, once i realize what i'm doing, it's easier to "nip them in the bud"- You may have to be the one to percieve/realize the true dynamic first when it comes up, but instead of letting it press your buttons, remain as calm as possible and remind him he's filtering again, appeal to his adult side- the side that knows you're only human and trying to help. Don't get sucked into an emotionally frustrating cycle when he's like that, it's like trying to talk to a drunk person in a way. i often realize i reacted instinctively, rather than responding to something, a little later on afterwards, but then the frustration or upset of the other person has already occurred, and the same old "too late" feeling pops up, and i'm too ashamed to apologize and discuss it.
It's good that you've called him on it, that's healthy- you've got every right to your feelings too. But if you remember what's really going on, you can call him on it early, before your emotions color your response, and you can do it in a way that's a reminder to him that you can't have any real communication if he's "forgetting to breathe". Maybe an agreed-upon signal of some sort, a phrase or whatever, to indicate "i feel like you're filtering or projecting instead of listening, i'm feeling defensive, let's not hurt each other by accident anymore" will help him "catch himself in the act", and prevent it from spiralling. It's the whole idea of "mindfulness" in action- and make sure you keep your statements focused on how YOU feel, don't create an opportunity for him to resent you for "presuming to read his mind", if you do end up arguing. But so many arguments are about miscommunication, not opposing intent. Baby steps... just knowing i tend to "jump too far ahead" has made it easier to monitor my thought processes, and stop old thinking/perception habits before they do more needless damage, but of course the path from awareness to practice is not instantaneous, or w/o bumps; but it's still getting there, and i'm much more self-aware in a healthy way now, than before when i was unable to "step outside of my own head" at all. just my 2 cents, hope it helps...

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189432 - 10/31/07 08:37 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: dgoods]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
dgoods,

It does help. Instead of simply telling him that I'm not accusing him of anything, I'll let him know that that's how it sounds to me. I'll point out to him, gently of course, that not every question is a trick question that requires a defense. Probably the biggest part of the reason he does this is the csa, but another part is that he's lied to all day by contractors; that's his job - to catch them lying and cheating and because it really is a part of the industry it happens all the time. As you can imagine, he's very good at his job!

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189433 - 10/31/07 08:38 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: dgoods]
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
DGoods,
That is one of the best explanations that I have ever heard about why my husband hates when I bring up the subject. Thank you for shedding some light on the subject for me.
ww


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#189444 - 10/31/07 10:47 PM Re: Help me with patience [Re: weepywife]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Wow, Thanks! \:\)

Trish, i hear you- I know that's definitely true about contractors, from NASA to waste removal, it's everywhere- i'm sure the job's stressful for him, but thank him for me- he's doing a great service!
ww, i'm glad you found it helpful, i wish you and your hubby all the best!


_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
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