Newest Members
Momiji, ja16, winter-rain, johelp, Nemo
12658 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (62), Carlos418 (38), courtney (53), kurotake (56), lostsoul (64), Lukesgirl (29), michael banks (2015), Steffon (43)
Who's Online
2 registered (Obi, 1 invisible), 24 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12658 Members
74 Forums
65030 Topics
454821 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#199 - 12/29/06 08:58 AM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jason

If they are in such pain and despair they should seek help. They have probably runied countless mens prob boys lives as well.

There are days when i feel like giving up but i have not yet. I also get paranoid thinking its going to happen again.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#200 - 12/29/06 10:01 AM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Unfortunately, some of them do not have the courage to seek help as you do. You are not like them but you have to deal with much pain like them. The main difference is, you are doing something about it and things will get better for you.

I'm sorry you have to feel so much pain and fear. I would think that you are having issues with anger after what you have told me. However, expressing anger (when you are ready), is a remedy for that. It is long, difficult, and painstaking but your efforts will be gratifying I assure you. It is important to make sure you vent in a positive way. There are many books out there that can help you with that (The Courage to Heal by Laura Davis is one of my favorites). There are many books that illustrate coping methods for rape victims that, perhaps, would be more suitable for you. Also, when you find a good therapist, they can help you with anger issues. I know a few tricks myself on how to vent safely and effectively. If you would like to hear some of them you can always PM me.

In the mean time, it is important to do whatever it is to ensure your own safety and to avoid any questionable situations. You are very vulnerable now. It is also a good idea to go on living your life and to continue being the person you are. Sometimes its hard to find the median between the two. but someone with your resilience, I'm sure, will figure it out. The more you do that, the more you will relinquish the power your assailants have over you mentally and emotionally.

Good luck, you are not alone.

Much love,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

Top
#201 - 12/29/06 02:43 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Duncan,

I have always felt that my rape was a power trip for my rapist, because of the violence of it. He had a gun to my head and filled my ears with all sorts of threats the entire time I was being raped.

I was convinced, also, that he must be gay, and that gays must enjoy raping others. How naive of me!! But the reality of it is that I hated gays for decades. I was horrified of them. No matter how passive they behaved, I knew they would rape me or anyone else in a heartbeat. This is the warped way my brain catagorized things.

Later, when my brother "came out of the closet", and I began to meet his friends, and these guys became some of my friends. I remembered the violence of my rape, and I knew that it was not about being gay or straight. It was totally about having control and power over another human. What better way to display power than to rape a man?

The cowards know that the vast majority of us are not going to admit or report being raped. Thankfully this stigma is being diminished in society, but "back in the day" I sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone. My parents still have no idea.

My rapist cried like a baby a few hours later and apologized profusely. I'm sure he had issues, as he told me he didn't know what came over him, but that he had done this many times, even took photos.

The truth is, I don't give a damn what issues he had. He gave me a lifetime of issues I didn't deserve. You, nor anyone here, deserves the issues we must work through, probably for the rest of our lives.


Top
#202 - 12/29/06 03:09 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
*****WARNING TRIGGER - GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT****

Rich

Thank you for sharing with me what happened to you.I am sorry to hear that.

I kept thinking it was a sexual thing I know better now. I went around convincing myself that it was about sex and that i must of been the guys "type" acutally there was two of them.

I hated myself and still do because they made me feel less of a man. I had to do what they asked i could not say "no!!" to them. My rapists didn't seem to care at all. I am sure they loved the suffering they were incurring on me.

They penetrated me about three times during the rape and cum inside me i also had to give them blow jobs. they seemed to get excited when i ejaculated when they penetrated me and told me that i am enjoying myself they said all sorts of dirty things whilst they fucked me and the fucking seemed to get harder and harder each time.

I hate what they did to me. I hate that I have no control over my body when i have nightmares i cum. I hate been naked as well.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#203 - 12/29/06 03:30 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
******** WARNING: TRIGGERS ********

Duncan,

This is probably NOT the correct advice I should be giving, nor the advice a therapist would give you.

That stated... I was never modest growing up. I took showers with all the guys in the showers in school. Living in Florida, we all run around shirtless and in bathing suits and shorts. I would change into and out of a bathsuit in front of my friends. None of us had a problem with this.

After my rape, I didn't want to be seen naked, OR dressed by anyone. I wanted to just disappear. However, I quickly realized that the best way for ME to hide what had happened to me, was to FORCE myself to continue taking showers, and continue dressing and undressing with my friends. If overnight I became very modest, they would know something had happened.

I am not modest today, but it is because I forced myself not to be. I still do not want anyone to touch me though, unless they give me warning or I can at least see them coming at me with a hug.

My perp told me the same thing as far as enjoying it. After raping me, he gave me a blowjob and I came. He told me, "See? You must have liked it or you wouldn't have cum." BULLSHIT!! I was 16 yrs old! After decades, I finally realized this! My body was reacting physically, not mentally. At 16, I would cum after any kind of stimulation! Perps know this, and use this to keep us quiet, and to mess with our heads.

Your wet dreams are your way of your brian trying to process these events that happened to you. DO NOT allow yourself to beat yourself up over a physical bodily function, Duncan. DO NOT!!

I hope that you are able to reclaim your life, Duncan. It is possible! This site, and the guys here have taught me that. Because of them, I began much needed therapy 2 yrs ago, and my outlook on life has improved much. The same thing will happen for you, Duncan.


Top
#204 - 12/29/06 04:06 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Rich,

** TRIGGER WARNING **


I never shower after i have played a game of rugby i try to get back to the chaging rooms before them and if I wanted to shower I would wait until everyone had gone.

I been naked, i was forced to strip naked for these two men.I have tried to cry but I cannot I want to so badly but all I get is surges of anger and hate.

My attackers did not want a sound out of me the pain was awful they would say dirty things to me and penetrate me harder and harder. I just wanted to die.

For seven years(it will be eight years in march 2007) i buried it deep down and tried my best to look "normal" on the outside. I hate myself. I should be hating the bastards who did this.

I keep on saying to myself "why me?" i guess that is a bit selfish because if it was not me it would have been someone else. All I want is to be myself again and end this torment.

I hate it when guys look at me because I think they want something - stupid isn't it? and i hate the wet dreams.

In one game of rugby i was buried under a pile of blokes and i cum in my shorts. I was so upset and angry i just walked off, but was called back. I didn't tell anyone what the problem was.

Why do I get this way? I dont fancy men. Have they turned me gay in someway? I dont like been touched at all by men even if its a friendly touch on the shoulders. I try to stay out the group rugby hugs as i get angry.

what is happening to me?

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#205 - 12/29/06 11:10 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I wont be posting here for a while. I just cannot handle my state of mind at the moment.It just seems all too much.

I still cannot get to grips with any of it, despite all that i have been told. I look in the mirror and i hate what i see. If I had a gun I would shoot that person in the mirror.

I was 28 when i was raped so that makes me an adult and i still could not defend myself, yeah there was two of them but i could of at least given one of them a good punch or two.

I say it now and I will say it again, they should have killed me it would have been a whole lot better than living a life of hell.

i know some of you will strongly disagree with me and thats fine.
I am still wary of men ( what do i sound like?) I hate been touched even if its a friendly touch on the shoulder. I go out of my way to cause arguments with friends and then blame them for it. ( i am as bad as the two who raped me).

blame the other person its all their fault. I cannot stop the voice in my head that tells me to kill myself. I have not had a holiday in eight years(march next year).

I said to myself today. I will goto the USA next year and do backpacking in one of the national parks then fear comes back into my mind and i see "visions" of it happening all over again.

I want to do everything I used to do. I am not one for holidays in hotels. I want to be me again. This year I was going to goto the "big bend national park" in Texas but once again fear had taken me over.

I am probably over reacting its just that I dont want to be "weak" again.

duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#206 - 12/30/06 12:39 AM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Interesting thread...

First, regarding the victim to victimizer issue. Howard is correct, the overwhelming majority of abused boys do NOT go on to abuse others. As far as research on abusers with sexual abuse victimization histories, the studies over the past 20 years vary considerably in percentages. One of the better ones used polygraph exams and found that the claim of childhood abuse dropped significantly when confirmed by polygraph.

It is about power over another to a large extent. It is also connected with sexual arousal/attraction to the victim. So, if a child molester tells me that he had no sexual attraction to the child, it is pretty unlikely that he did not. If it were purely about power over the child and nothing sexual towards him/her, then why not just use the power the adult has by doing something non-sexual like punishment?

I don't want to cloud the issue about "what was he attracted to in me" here. Survivors have enough self-blame that is totally unwarranted. The arousal/attraction/sexual interest the perpetrator has is HIS problem, not the child (or the adult's in Duncan's case.)

It is generally about running a power trip with an adult. The male oriented rapist is exercising power to humiliate and overwhelm with force, just as the female-oriented rapist wants to control the victim and often may have problems keeping and erection or ejaculating.

It is a complex problem and I don't want to muddy the waters here but it is important that you work on moving from blaming yourself for not protecting yourself or somehow being responsible for the interest/assault the other person put on you. This takes time and work. If you continue to buy the belief that it was somehow your fault, it keeps the perpetrator from taking full responsibility for what s/he did.

Ken


Top
#207 - 12/30/06 06:27 AM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
duncan,28 or 8 does it really change anything ? just cause you were older does that somehow make it not as bad? it took me a while being here to see that me dying wasnt gonna change anything ,it wouldnt even stop the pain that radiates out from abuse ,maybe it would stop my pain but what about people who know me and care about me? the last thing i wanna do is cause pain for somebody else cause of what happened to me.it took even longer to believe that somebody did care about me ,but somebody does care about you ,even if it has to be just me. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#208 - 12/30/06 04:07 PM Re: sex and power thing - possible ** triggers **
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Firstly let us forget the figures Ken, you know as well as I that they mean nothing because of the small percentage of reporting by victims.

Duncan, I know from experience that being raped as a man can be just as hurting as to a kid.
Kids have more resilience than adults, they tend to look at the future with more optimism.

This is pretty 'raw' with you as it happened just a few years ago, and it takes lots of time and encouragement from yourself to get over the hurdles you face.

You have to realise that the trust issues are derived from what happened, hence the lack of trust with men.

I have more trust now, but I am still wary of men in everyday life, an instinct that is molded into my mind, an unconscious reaction.

Babe steps are needed and finding ways to divert your mind is a good way to take yourself away from it.

You need to be aware, that abuse is not written in your eyes nor anywhere on you, a common factor of survivors who see the world looking at them with an evil intent.

Just take small steps and reward yourself each little thing you do to make things better,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.