Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blank (36), christx (41), Heartonfire (38), Nathan LaChine (31)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63124 Topics
441426 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#188847 - 10/26/07 05:56 PM letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language*
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Letter to my Rapist

I canít believe you touched me, I canít believe you would find anything sexual about a skinny 90lb innocent happy little boy. I was so trusting, I was so naÔve and there is no way in hell you didnít know it. I always had a smile on my face and I was so eager to please everyone that I met. All I ever wanted was to make people laugh and to see them smile at me. You asked me to come and hang out with you and I felt so special, so wonderful that you wanted to be my friend. I just thought you wanted me to come over and make you laugh and I wanted nothing else in the world than to come and do that. I was so excited all day, I couldnít wait to get there. When I got there I had one of the best times of my life, I laughed and laughed all night with you and your friend.

And then I woke up in fucking hell, I was so fucking scared, I had no idea what was happening. I looked at you with pleading in my eyes for you to stop, the sensation was so intense I thought I was going to fucking explode. You knew how scared I was or you would not have told me that ďit was okay to enjoy itĒ, why the fuck did you not get off me and tell me how sorry you were. You didnít you fucking bitch, you got off me and told me what a piece of shit I was, I felt like such a piece of garbage, I was humiliated and you just ground it in with your words. I was so confused, I didnít know what I did to you that made you hate me, I didnít know why you wanted to hurt me so. I fucking hate you.

Who the fuck did you think you were, How fucking dare you lay your filthy fucking hands on me, you fucking filthy creature, you stole my whole fucking life and I fucking hate you.

Why did you do this to me?

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#188871 - 10/26/07 10:05 PM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Mike,

I am so sorry you had to be so brutalized by someone you trusted. It is the hardest thing for all of us.. to be tricked an manipulated - and, as you said, to have our lives stolen.

But you are getting that life back, and this is an important step. It is so great though that you are directing your rage at her - she is the one who deserves all the blame. You are very strong to be able to but your rage into words and share it with your brothers here. Thank you for your courage.

I am so glad you are taking your own advice... stay strong, brother,

love
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#188881 - 10/27/07 01:33 AM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: dannym]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mike? Was your perp female? Please correct me if I'm wrong in this assumption ok?

I'm sorry to see you in such a rough state as you write this. I REALLY don't know how to respond to this except to say the one thing that really only occurs to me. You said you hated her. I think that's important because.........as fucked up as I am, and as much time I've been putting into "recovery", I can't bring myself to hate my perps, either of them.

Question for you? Did you feel like this about them when you first tried to recover from this? Or is this a new feeling? This feeling of hating her? Did you work to arrive at this feeling, or did it just come out naturally?

I'm glad you wrote this.


Top
#188897 - 10/27/07 05:14 AM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: Hauser]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, thanks Hauser.

There was no hatred, I was as cold as ice when I started and didn't feel a thing. The memory of it was lost in my head. It took quite a few months before I started to have any kind of feelings toward the whole thing. I was always afraid of my anger that once it started it wouldn't stop, but it feels good to be able to direct my anger out instead of at myself.

I think it's just been about accepting all my emotions for once. It was tough because everything I saw or heard or was told said that I shouldn't have had a problem with what happened. So I buried it for twenty years. Now it's starting to come out and anger is just a part of that.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#188900 - 10/27/07 08:37 AM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: mogigo]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Hauser, I too was so impressed by Mike's anger toward her. And it got me thinking all day yesterday. I have been able to have anger toward my perps... but I can't hold onto it. I will be so upset sometimes - so full of rage at them, but before long, the stupid little voice in my head tell me, "It's not their fault, you caused it.. you wanted it, you did something to make it happen". And the hatred comes back toward myself, like Mike said.

What really hit home for me is that my best friend and I have been talking about forgiveness... and I don't think there is anyway I can ever even consider forgiving my perps until I can direct that anger toward them and KEEP it directed that way... I have come so far in my recovery, but I am constatntly reminded that there is work still ahead

So glad to have you guys to help me on my way.

Mike, thanks again for the post... It got me thinking - which is a dangerous but necessary thing \:\)

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

Top
#188922 - 10/27/07 12:41 PM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: dannym]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Mike,

I read you post yesterday. I was moved, but did not know what to say. I get really pissed off and it feels so awful. I turn it off and then it starts coming out sideways with others. I think doing what you are doing with the letter to your perpetrator is crucial for working through the anger and pain. I realized yesterday that I have never told my story out loud where others can hear it. It has all been in my head. God, I get nauseated justing thinking about it. Thanks for your post.

_________________________
GD

Top
#188984 - 10/28/07 01:48 AM Re: letter to my rapist *big triggers, nasty language* [Re: River]
Jay Bee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 52
Loc: NY
Mike,

I found just reading your heartfelt letter cathartic for me as well. I don't think I have felt anger towards those that victimized me yet...I just went thru a too long period of just feeling plain angry which kept both friend and foe at bay. I haven't gotten to the point to channel it properly and in a healthy matter quite yet except when I soulsing sometimes which basically involves me just sitting in the dark by myself somewhere and just converting the emotions conjured up when I think about certain things related to the CSA into sound.

This has been my only outlet in lieu of getting angry or even crying, which I hardly never do. I did once in about seven years when I thought someone I loved was going to be separated from me.

Anyway thank you for sharing



Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.