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#188924 - 10/27/07 01:03 PM I felt like the abuser
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
I recently had a sexual encounter in which my reaction was one that made me uneasy and I felt as I were the abuser.

Let me give some background first: Part of my therapy has been dealing with my CSA. My T told me not to date other men and avoid sexual encounters. I accepted this because I would seek men for sex to feel some worth as well as get attention to validate me. I would always become passive and submit to performing oral sex that always left me with shame and regret. It became more intense when I hoped and believed that they would call me again.I now understand the pitfalls in that thinking which goes directly to my past. After many failed attempts at abstinence, I finally was in a place where I began to feel better about myself and accept my distorted thinking. I now understand that my worth comes from other places and more from within myself. So without further commentary on the dynamics of those situations I want to get at the point of my posting.

As I said, I recently became involved with a man in a bar who was paying a lot of attention to me and expressed interest in performing oral sex on me. That was a big switch for me. I had no intention of this activity in any way. My goals for going out are to become more skilled in being social and creating different outcomes from my past behavior. So without a lot of other details, I ultimately gave in with a lot of reservation and questioning of my actions. I brought him home to get off. I was not attracted to him, I was not horny but I liked the idea of someone doing me and I liked the attention.

In spite of my questioning, things began to take place as in any sexual encounter. While he attempted to perform oral sex, I began to experience great confusion and conflict. I was disappointed in myself for breaking my agreement not to do this after 5 months of abstinence and felt guilty.

Here is the the deal breaker! As he was doing the act that I was not truly into, I felt that I was switching places and that I was abusing him!!!. I stopped it. I could not go on and allow it to happen. I just stopped him. I told him it was not going to happen and he had to leave. I was very polite and offered no explanation and actually drove him home.

My T was empathetic and said I was hard on myself but it demonstrates that I am still not ready to become sexually active in a healthy way. I agree and accept this for now. I had been ambivilent about my actions but actually see that I ultimately did the right thing and wonder about others who may have a similar story to tell. Can others comment if they have felt this way?

In appreciation,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#188951 - 10/27/07 07:27 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: Danbuff]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow Dan, excellent story. What an awesome step forward for you! You are very brave for allowing yourself to be put in a position to test your behavioral patterns. It sounds like you gained a new perspective (no puns please) on your personal barriers.

I have found that it is essential to step outside my "comfort zones" in order to heal, and the realization you experienced is exactly why I do it.

Great job, and congratulations on your mature handling of the result!!

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#188953 - 10/27/07 07:50 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: cbfull]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Many years ago, I meet a friend and he was very much into me and just scared me that I pushed him a way. If I could have only accepted his attentionand let him get closer and be apart of my life maybe things would be different for me now and I wouldn't be lying to myself.

One major postive, this guy and I are actually very good friends. It took a lot of time for us to reach this point. He is in a relationship with a really nice guy for the past 4 years. He is a great support for me.

You sound like you need this:
BIG HUGS
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DAN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

TAKE CARE, MY FRIEND!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#196913 - 12/28/07 01:48 AM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: TNuss]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
This is why I can't anally penetrate anyone. I morph into my dad and go limp. No fun.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#196965 - 12/28/07 12:54 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: Liri]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dan,

This looks like a positive event to me. You saw you were being tempted into something that was going to leave you feeling negative about yourself, so you made the decision that had to be made to keep this from happening. You put yourself and your recovery first.

On "feeling like an abuser", that's actually pretty common among both gay and straight survivors. The trap gets sprung on us when we identify abuse in terms of the sexual acts themselves, but of course when those same acts are consensual and both parties know what they're doing and wish to share themselves with each other this way, it's not abuse at all. What makes it abuse is when there's a huge difference in power between the two partners, as when one is a child and the other an older child or an adult. Basically, if one partner can't say no, or can say no only with a lot of dire consequences dropping on him (for example, withdrawal of affection, abandonment, termination of gifts and rewards, fear of physical violence, threat of exposure), then there's a good possibility the contact is abusive.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#197017 - 12/28/07 08:17 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: roadrunner]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I am realizing that I can identify with this one too. I often shirk off my partners attempts to be playful and flirtatious, and I am beginning to believe that it is because I have difficulty separating sex from sexual abuse.

I sometimes feel like sex is shameful and dirty and I therefore don't want to do something like that to the man I love so much, it's like a sort of a respectful side of love. We don't want to expose our partners to this evil that we have been burdened with.

Anyone else feel similar?

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#197044 - 12/28/07 11:01 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: cbfull]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
One of my problems, is that my Dad's abuse aroused me somewhat. I learned to focus on pleasure to forget the pain. So I associate pleasure itself with abuse. I think this set the groundwork for my addictive personality. I started smoking and doing inhalants when I was 11. I would get an erection every time I'd light up a cigarette (my dad was a smoker then and I'd steal from his stash). Oh, the tangle web they wove for us.

Smoke break!

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#197102 - 12/29/07 02:53 PM Re: I felt like the abuser *DELETED* [Re: Liri]
MagRaith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Post deleted by MagRaith


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#197595 - 01/01/08 09:04 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: MagRaith]
Shy_Guy Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Fremont, CA
Feeling like the abuser in that situation you described resonates with me 100%. I feel the same way - no matter how excited or safe or into it I am prior, my mind wanders and I feel disgusted almost immediately. What is truly my own hell is that bottoming is even less successful than topping, so I just avoid everything sexual - and it's awful because I crave sexual intimacy with a man, yet when I am in that opportunity acting on it, it's disastrous.


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#197604 - 01/01/08 09:50 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: Shy_Guy]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Hey Shy Guy, Welcome to "support central". I am sorry any of us has a need for this but I am VERY GRATEFUL we can support each other. So again...welcome!

I have to respond to your post about my thread on feeling like the abuser. Your response comes so close to telling me that you really get it. My desire for human contact and closeness is not always sexual but usually leads to that. It haunts me almost all of the time and the isolation I feel tends to magnify it. I work hard at being in a place of gratitiude for all I have been blessed with in this life. I actually hate to be in a state of desire and need. That is the strongest desire I have continually had in my life time and especially as an adult who is not in a meaningful relationship and without close friends.

As much as I know how understanding and caring my T is, I swear there are times he does not understand that need which I crave. But for me, he is head and shoulders above the best of the rest. He is amazingly helpful and has been a huge help to me in changing my life and seeing the beauty there is.Sometimes he will allow me to hug him goodbye. My gratitude is always there even if it is a difficult session. I just want to never let go because he is such a beautiful compassionate soul. I always have to be aware of the boundaries and such. But it feels so good to know he has been there for me. He feels so good and trusting. He allows me that hug now and then and it is like the best energy I have ever experienced. I really cannot describe it at all.

I did not mean to ramble but to see your words of how you crave intimacy affirms me and I could cry with joy to know I am not alone. I tell myself I am never alone and have a strong faith in God after nearly a 30 year absence. But when I feel alone, I know He is not far away and neither is this place. This is the best place on the net for me. I wish you all the best and want you to believe in the value of the struggles. In every cloud there really is a silver lining. You will become wiser and stronger because of the work you do at healing. It is the hardest work I have ever done, but I believe there is more than the pain.

Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#197641 - 01/02/08 01:33 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: cbfull]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: cbfull
I often shirk off my partners attempts ....

it is because I have difficulty separating sex from sexual abuse.
...
I sometimes feel like sex is shameful and dirty...


Anyone else feel similar?


Yeah. It can be all pretty unconscious for me, and it really bugs him. Sometimes, it kind of leaks out and he gets angry at me.

Say guys, the thread about "Acting out" is really simular to this. Check it out...

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#198881 - 01/10/08 02:24 AM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: Danbuff]
helios330 Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Illinois, USA
Dan,
I am a 21 year old gay survivor and I can identify with you on sex. I read somewhere that male survivors sometimes find themselves either having sex without intimacy or only having sex with intimacy. I have found myself searching for sex, wanting intimacy, but ultimatly knowing I'm not going to find it that way...leaving me empty, ashamed, and feeling dirty. I too take on a passive role, always performing oral sex and becoming very uneasy when a man wants to perform on me although inside I scream for it.
After years of wondering why this is and with the help of some books I'm beginning to see that in a way i'm recreating my abuse. I was always the passive one, my abuser never touching me, and it seems I have been searching for someone to either say "no" or give me the love, etc I am craving for. I know that I want an intimate relationship but it's obvious i'm not ready to receive one! I am still at a point where i'm just expecting someone to use me and to feel worthless after. I seek out others who will make me feel this way. I just wanted to thank you for posting...as it was great to know someone else shared similiar feelings. Much appreciation, Helios


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#198916 - 01/10/08 12:44 PM Re: I felt like the abuser [Re: helios330]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Helios,
I too appreciate that you have shared this also. It is important to recieve validation to reassure each other that we are not alone in what feels like a nightmare and hurts. I understand that frustration. I am 30 years older than you, so that may give you hope that you can get to a healthier place sooner than me.

I did not begin to work on this until it interfered with intimacy when I set up house together with a man and we were in a comitted relationship at age 34. I never completely resolved it. It was a lightning rod for conflict from my partner at the time. Intimacy was a trigger for repressed memories. He went to a few couples sessions with me. My T tried to explain the reactions to both of us. Steve never completely understood it. He began to hate my T, and distrust both of us. It became hard on him as well.

I have done a lot of work in therapy and this is the hardest work I have ever done and it spills over into all other life areas which are all linked to the abuse. Mine was incest and later with older boys outside of my family.

I now recall it also affected relationships with men prior to discovering the triggers back when I was age 34. I was very suicidal in my early twenties and the guy I lived with really "saved me". I was in Transactional analysis and briefly worked with a psychiatrist who put me on a drug called Thorazine and I was a zombie back in those days. I was paranoid beyond belief and cringe to look back at my paranoid behaviors, when all I wanted was to feel like I was ok and belonged somewhere. I have craved male attention and relationships. I either trusted too much or was completely distrustful. Those feelings would sway back in forth with everyone. The net result is pain, shame, confusion and lonliness. It was hell and chaos. I learned to repress and deny the memories for a long time. For a long time I was a clown and just a nice guy. Both those behaviors helped mask the shame, ugliness and insecurity I felt. It was a way to cope.

I now understand my insecurity and hard life is tied to the abuse as a child. It began at age 7 as far as I recall and perhaps earlier. It distorts reality. However, my current T is the best help I have ever recieved and I am gratified beyond measure at the progress I have made. I am comitted to the process and believe in hope and faith. I once had neither.

I hope that by my sharing this, gives you some comfort and encouragement in your own life. This place is full of understanding. It is the best site on the internet for my time.

Helios, I want to metaphorically wrap you in my love and understanding for what you are dealing with and the pain you feel. I reflect on the journey I have been on and am learning everyday this can get better and I am never alone. Keep trying my brother as you are worth the effort and you belong here. We never gave consent, we were coerced into the acts by adults or people we believed in or feared.

Hang in there Helios and have faith in yourself and God or whoever you think of as a all loving higher power. And last of all remind yourself it is not your fault.

With sincere love and wish for Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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