Newest Members
The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101, JCEldrid
12286 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
DruidWolf (39), Harry (33), knigh50 (53), mike54 (56)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12286 Members
73 Forums
63205 Topics
441967 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#188807 - 10/26/07 06:17 AM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: dgoods]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
when i was about 15-or 16-----------i use to think my class mates could smell semon on me-----------because i was doing it so much----------------steve


Top
#188848 - 10/26/07 06:12 PM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: sabata]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Okay, here goes. I have read this thread a few times. I had to respond when I heard frustration from previous posts that there is not help for this problem. There are groups who really help with this issue. On any given day in my area we have 3-4 meetings for sex addicts. What I have learned is the issue is really not about sex or masturbation... that is only how it is manifested. I have been in sex addiction recovery for about ten years and have tried several recovery groups and programs. A previous post complained about the recovery groups requiring total abstinence (predominantly a 12-step group called Sexaholics Anonymous). I personally have NOT found SA and the Christian groups helpful because of this issue, but that is my stuff. However, there are other groups that are not as rigid, less shaming and offer grace and gentleness. I have found Sex Addicts Anonymous to be a great place to recover. Their motto is "From Grace To Shame"... which blends with my survivors recovery. Right now my bottom line sobriety does not include masturbation ... there is such a thing as healthy masturbation(which some vehemently disagree with... and that is okay). However, if I throw pornography into the mix, then I consider that a loss of sobriety. AND, if I find myself returning to "compulsive" masturbation, I will make that a bottom line for me. The key for me is to stop focusing on what is right or wrong, what is BAD, what is forbidden and to start focusing on the things that make me sexually healthy ... for some this may include healthy masturbation, which is A LOT different than compulsive masturbation. For me, discovering what is sexually healthy IS THE RECOVERY PROCESS, not just stopping the behavior. Some men, are sexually anorexic. They shut it all down for long periods.. then they binge. Healthy masturbation is a HUGE piece of recovery for these men. The "RIGID" recovery folks don't get this (LOL! because many of them are sexually anorexic). For me it took periods of complete abstinence (with my self and with my wife) for me to be able to find that healthy balance ... but don't let that scare anyone off from trying to find recovery around compulsive sex. Check out SAA's website: http://saa-recovery.org/

Hope this helps.

Peace

_________________________
GD

Top
#188908 - 10/27/07 10:54 AM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: River]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I'm so glad this thread kind of took off the way it did. I know a lot of people have issues with this topic, and there have been some outstanding points made. In particular, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of things that River has stated.

Quote:
What I have learned is the issue is really not about sex or masturbation... that is only how it is manifested.


This is really the case with most psychological (compulsive) addictions.

As far as I know, there are really two types of addictions. There are physical addictions, and these are characterized by a physical dependency as well as the development of a tolerance. Some substances I have developed a physical addiction towards include meth, opium, alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine.

The other kind of addiction is the compulsive type, and some people are simply more prone to compulsiveness. In my life, I have done a lot of compulsive things. From collecting baseball cards and CD's to being in contorl of a poker table to over-indulging in substances like marijuana (which I don't believe is physically addictive), food, and pornography. The compulsive addictions can be extremely difficult because someone who has a problem with being compulsive will oftentimes replace one compulsive activity with another without even realizing it. Furthermore, the physical addictions I described above are usually accompanied by some degree of compulsiveness.

Masturbation definitely fits into one of those activities that would be considered compulsive, and it is very difficult to differentiate between doing it in a healthy way and doing it in a compulsive way. When it comes down to it, though, the compulsive nature of these "isms" are all almost exactly alike in their nature. In the alanon meetings I have attended in the past, virtually no differentiation is made between the different "isms" when it comes to the members of the people who attend these meetings. Alanon is a support group for people who have friends or family who are addicts.

I have also found that in conquering my own addictions, the process I go through to get there is almost identical in most cases. There is always something that triggers the compulsiveness, and understanding what those triggers are is the key to overcoming the compulsiveness. Of course, when in the deepest and darkest throes of an addictions, sometimes the compulsiveness itself is what triggers the addiction, but the chain reaction always starts somewhere.

Quote:
A previous post complained about the recovery groups requiring total abstinence (predominantly a 12-step group called Sexaholics Anonymous). I personally have NOT found SA and the Christian groups helpful because of this issue, but that is my stuff.


I have found, in AA and NA meetings, that total sobriety is not necessarily a prerequisite for recovery. I don't attend any support groups anymore, mostly because there isn't a support group for what I really need (another topic entirely), but welcoming people back who had fallen off the wagon were a regular part of these meetings.

As far as the Christian groups go, my disdain for organized religion is an entirely different topic altogether. A person like me, who does not believe in any kind of "higher power", tends to get stuck on step 2 of any 12 step program, and that is just something I refuse to compromise on.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#191781 - 11/18/07 10:39 AM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: River]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: River
I have found Sex Addicts Anonymous to be a great place to recover. Their motto is "From Grace To Shame"... which blends with my survivors recovery.


I've found a great deal of healing through SAA too - to clarify, the motto is "From Shame to Grace" rather than from grace to shame :-)

Mike



http://saa-recovery.org/


Top
#191784 - 11/18/07 11:09 AM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: mike5]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Bryan,

Thanks for this good thread.

I have been masturbating since I was 12 I think.

I did more and less, with some periods without masturbating, but always returning to doing it.

I still do. However, no one whom I told about this said it is my issue. I masturbate every day or every couple of days. It is seen as normal, and it doesn't bother me too much.
Sometimes I did it during work hours, in the toilet. However, since I've started to take Zoloft, the urge to masturbate has decreased.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#191794 - 11/18/07 01:36 PM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: dgoods]
jach1 Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/12/07
Posts: 8
Loc: Colorado
I too, grew up in a strictly religious farm community nearly 60 years ago. To this day I mastrubate periodically. More now that I have had my prostate removed and am impotent and no medication will work. (I am considering surgery to fix this problem.) I have felt ashamed or guilty about masturbating all my life. when I was young I thought that I probably would stop soon. But I haven't. I am in my second marriage and we are having some difficulties. I rarely have talked with either wife about masturbation. During pregnancies with both, we did mutual masturbation, but I was a little un-comfortable. I didn't talk about my own masturbation. The last two years since my prostate surgery I have used masturbation as my only source of orgasm. To my surprise, men can have organsism without ejaculation. I only recently recognized the importance of dealing with my sexual abuse by my teenage aunt when I was 4. I am 66. About time, huh. My T is helping me understand the connection with the abuse, my sexual frustration given my situation, and my periodic turn to the free internet pornograpy. That causes my losts of guilt and shame because of the way I grew up and that I would rather have other means for satisfying my sexual needs. My wife has a pretty severe case of fibromyalgia and is in pain and tired almost always. This is the first time I have shared anything on this site. I plan to continue to share, listen and respond. Thank you.

_________________________
jach1

Top
#191798 - 11/18/07 02:00 PM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: jach1]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
jach1
welcome. keep posting. You aren't alone.
Paul


Top
#191804 - 11/18/07 02:42 PM Re: Masturbation and Shame [Re: Paul1959]
jach1 Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/12/07
Posts: 8
Loc: Colorado
Thanks Paul

_________________________
jach1

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.