Letter to my Rapist

I can’t believe you touched me, I can’t believe you would find anything sexual about a skinny 90lb innocent happy little boy. I was so trusting, I was so naïve and there is no way in hell you didn’t know it. I always had a smile on my face and I was so eager to please everyone that I met. All I ever wanted was to make people laugh and to see them smile at me. You asked me to come and hang out with you and I felt so special, so wonderful that you wanted to be my friend. I just thought you wanted me to come over and make you laugh and I wanted nothing else in the world than to come and do that. I was so excited all day, I couldn’t wait to get there. When I got there I had one of the best times of my life, I laughed and laughed all night with you and your friend.

And then I woke up in fucking hell, I was so fucking scared, I had no idea what was happening. I looked at you with pleading in my eyes for you to stop, the sensation was so intense I thought I was going to fucking explode. You knew how scared I was or you would not have told me that “it was okay to enjoy it”, why the fuck did you not get off me and tell me how sorry you were. You didn’t you fucking bitch, you got off me and told me what a piece of shit I was, I felt like such a piece of garbage, I was humiliated and you just ground it in with your words. I was so confused, I didn’t know what I did to you that made you hate me, I didn’t know why you wanted to hurt me so. I fucking hate you.

Who the fuck did you think you were, How fucking dare you lay your filthy fucking hands on me, you fucking filthy creature, you stole my whole fucking life and I fucking hate you.

Why did you do this to me?

Mike

Mike,

I am so sorry you had to be so brutalized by someone you trusted. It is the hardest thing for all of us.. to be tricked an manipulated - and, as you said, to have our lives stolen.

But you are getting that life back, and this is an important step. It is so great though that you are directing your rage at her - she is the one who deserves all the blame. You are very strong to be able to but your rage into words and share it with your brothers here. Thank you for your courage.

I am so glad you are taking your own advice... stay strong, brother,

love
Dan

Mike? Was your perp female? Please correct me if I'm wrong in this assumption ok?

I'm sorry to see you in such a rough state as you write this. I REALLY don't know how to respond to this except to say the one thing that really only occurs to me. You said you hated her. I think that's important because.........as fucked up as I am, and as much time I've been putting into "recovery", I can't bring myself to hate my perps, either of them.

Question for you? Did you feel like this about them when you first tried to recover from this? Or is this a new feeling? This feeling of hating her? Did you work to arrive at this feeling, or did it just come out naturally?

I'm glad you wrote this.

Hey, thanks Hauser.

There was no hatred, I was as cold as ice when I started and didn't feel a thing. The memory of it was lost in my head. It took quite a few months before I started to have any kind of feelings toward the whole thing. I was always afraid of my anger that once it started it wouldn't stop, but it feels good to be able to direct my anger out instead of at myself.

I think it's just been about accepting all my emotions for once. It was tough because everything I saw or heard or was told said that I shouldn't have had a problem with what happened. So I buried it for twenty years. Now it's starting to come out and anger is just a part of that.

Mike

Hauser, I too was so impressed by Mike's anger toward her. And it got me thinking all day yesterday. I have been able to have anger toward my perps... but I can't hold onto it. I will be so upset sometimes - so full of rage at them, but before long, the stupid little voice in my head tell me, "It's not their fault, you caused it.. you wanted it, you did something to make it happen". And the hatred comes back toward myself, like Mike said.

What really hit home for me is that my best friend and I have been talking about forgiveness... and I don't think there is anyway I can ever even consider forgiving my perps until I can direct that anger toward them and KEEP it directed that way... I have come so far in my recovery, but I am constatntly reminded that there is work still ahead

So glad to have you guys to help me on my way.

Mike, thanks again for the post... It got me thinking - which is a dangerous but necessary thing

Dan

Mike,

I read you post yesterday. I was moved, but did not know what to say. I get really pissed off and it feels so awful. I turn it off and then it starts coming out sideways with others. I think doing what you are doing with the letter to your perpetrator is crucial for working through the anger and pain. I realized yesterday that I have never told my story out loud where others can hear it. It has all been in my head. God, I get nauseated justing thinking about it. Thanks for your post.

Mike,

I found just reading your heartfelt letter cathartic for me as well. I don't think I have felt anger towards those that victimized me yet...I just went thru a too long period of just feeling plain angry which kept both friend and foe at bay. I haven't gotten to the point to channel it properly and in a healthy matter quite yet except when I soulsing sometimes which basically involves me just sitting in the dark by myself somewhere and just converting the emotions conjured up when I think about certain things related to the CSA into sound.

This has been my only outlet in lieu of getting angry or even crying, which I hardly never do. I did once in about seven years when I thought someone I loved was going to be separated from me.

Anyway thank you for sharing