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#188303 - 10/21/07 10:21 PM I feel like a freak.
lost4321 Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/21/07
Posts: 1
Ok so I found this board yesterday and I just want to post my story.

I am in my late twenties and for most of my life lived a pretty normal life. I had a little bit of a drinking problem but I thought it was because it ran in my family history. About a year and a half ago, I remembered that I was sexually abused by an uncle when i was somewhere between 9 and 11. As far as I know it only occured once and at the time I had no idea what it was. It was explained to me that that was how he punished he kids and I was getting punished for doing something bad. When I told him I was going to tell my father (his brother) he convinced me by that my father would be so pissed at me for what I had done, so I wouldn't tell him by explaning that he had known my father four times as long as I had known him.

Sometime later I became aware that this uncle had abused other members of my extended family in the past and that all were aware of it. I remember feeling really pissed at my family for allowing to go away to visit him but thankful that nothing had happened to me. After a while I started to think that maybe I had been abused but I couldn't believe that I wouldn't remember it. Eventually, I regained the memory of my abuse.

When I first regained the memory, I remember thinking that wow some people become seriously messed up because of this stuff I'm really lucky that didn't happen to me and that I'm a strong person so it won't. Well that was extremely naive.

I am royally screwed in the head right now. About a year ago I to engage in these extreme alcohol binges where I would get realy really drunk and black out. I would regain my memories slowly over the next month after the incident and my bahavior shocked me. Often something would trigger me volunteering the info and then I can't even begin to describe the foolish things I do. I tell people that I think I am gay and just engage in outrageous behavior.

I had never ever once thought I was gay before this recollection. I think I have a hard time relating myself as a victim. I have always been the emotional strong one in my family and in relationships. I have what most people would say is a very successful career but I am starting to screw it up with my episodes. I have discussed this with noone other than an ex-girlfirend while sober.

I fought through strong urges of suicide in the past year and am over that. I do still feel morbidly depressed however, and can't stop feeling like I am this freak. I have come to the realization this past week that as strong as I think I am this is something I can't handle on my own. I am going to seek out a therapist this week. Does this ever get any better?


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#188306 - 10/21/07 10:43 PM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: lost4321]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Yes,

It does get better. I am glad you found this place. It has been a huge help to me, and is full of supportive people. At first, talking about it seemed to make things a little worse for me, but after about a year, things are much better. I am able to deal with my feelings instead of hiding from them. Instead of dwelling on any wierd thoughts or feelings, I have an understanding of where they came from. I'm able to deal with them as normal, and let them just pass through without letting them nag at me or make me feel shameful or guilty.

Welcome to the site, and I hope you find a good therapist.

Keith.


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#188313 - 10/21/07 11:19 PM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: KeithR]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
lost4321,

Not so long ago I would have called myself a freak but there are too many of us to be called freaks by anyone including ourselves.

I won't lie to you things will get better but you have to really work on it. You will also need support this place offers plenty of that in a warm and caring way.

The way in which you have reacted to your abuse is very common I think that all of us have done all or most of what you describe.

I'm glad you are getting a T because I did not and have still chosen to go without one. I would say it is the long way around. But I talk to my wife all the time and she is very supportive and now I have found this wonderful place. I feel like I have my own army of friends that I can trust with a part of my life that I hide from the rest of the world.

Welcome and take care.

brokensoul



Edited by brokensoul (10/21/07 11:29 PM)

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#188334 - 10/22/07 04:20 AM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: brokensoul]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
First of all: Welcome!
lost, i'm pretty new here myself (i just post a lot), but i can certainly identify with much in your story; in my case i always could recall the abuse, but never told, and never dealt w/ it. I got bad enough w/ depression, drinking, and smoking weed that i was convinced my problems would go away by getting sober/clean. I got my head clear, but my attempts to be "normal" (steady job, steady g/f, etc.) still failed, and i still had this secret pain and fear that wouldn't go away no matter what. So much time passed after the abuse i was able to push it out of my mind completely- the memories were all right there, i just always left that mental door locked, so to speak.

I thought, "Maybe I'm really gay, and just in severe denial about it", experimented around, and ended up turned off, triggered, and twice as confused. (When gay men you try to fool around with tell you that 'you're definitely not gay, whatever your problem is', that pretty much answers that question.)
I went back to trying to stay wasted or at least buzzed all the time.
I very quickly hit bottom, and repeated the process of convincing myself that my problems were entirely due to being an alcoholic/addict, and nothing else to it. I did really well for a year and a half, got a good job, wonderful fiancee, the works. But the "crazy" started surfacing again. i started getting distant, my sex life died out completely; i would work 60 hrs./week 12 hr. days, and still come home and hole up in my "office" reading, playing music, or going online, until it was an hour before the alarm went off.

This whole time, I was feeling freakish and doomed, that there was never going to be an answer to what my malfunction was, and feeling ashamed, jumpy, panicky and self-conscious all the time. I didn't want to start drinking again, but i couldn't seem to force sleep w/o chemical help, and a fear of doctors made it seem impossible to get pre>
_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#188336 - 10/22/07 04:38 AM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: dgoods]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Lost,

I'm going to suggest the single most powerful tool I know of for someone in your position. A book titled "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew was an absolute God send to me and many others here. I urge you to get it ASAP.


_________________________
Wish You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#188606 - 10/24/07 10:35 AM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: Still]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
There was a recent article in the Psychotherapy Networker by Joe Kort about this issue. It talks about men who act out with same-sex partners, who are not gay. It helps understand why this might happen. Here is the link: http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/in...&id=Gay%20Guise

_________________________
GD

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#188612 - 10/24/07 11:34 AM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: River]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
River -

Thanks for the article. I am one of those guys who has had sex with other men. I engaged in anal sex with other men albeit always protected. I was always the recipient and have learned, with lots of help, that for me it was a re-enactment of my abuse and much like Paul I see myself "...as heterosexual with homoerotic interests."

I have finally begun to talk about this without shame and guilt. I do have homoerotic interests - and I don't think they are going away. But I can acknowledge them without beating myself up. Are they the result of the abuse? I think so - but that does not really matter any more. I am, very simple, what I am. Trying to change my past is not going to help, and neither is not excepting myslef as I am.



Edited by kellygtx (10/24/07 11:47 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#188616 - 10/24/07 11:59 AM Re: I feel like a freak. *DELETED* [Re: kellygtx]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Post deleted by River

_________________________
GD

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#188618 - 10/24/07 12:08 PM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: River]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
River -

I could have written your response verbatim. I read some of Patrick Carnes stuff but it spoke more to sex addicition and neither I nor the T's I was using inpatient felt that was my problem.

_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#188710 - 10/25/07 01:38 AM Re: I feel like a freak. [Re: kellygtx]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

I'm glad you found this site. Things do get better as we face whatever happened to us, and deal with the things that give us the feeling we are 'freaks'. I certainly don't think you're alone in blacking out and doing things you regret, as responses have shown.
More than that, though, we're here to support each other. I've known enough people who did things while influenced by alcohol that they'd never do sober to never want to get drunk. But I'm sure it's not that simple for you. Abuse manifests in different ways for all of us, and I can never rule out substance abuse as a reaction to past abuse. You might have recognized that already, and that problems never seem to be isolated.
But you're in good company, and we'll be here for you.

Ed


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