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#18878 - 05/14/03 10:35 AM Re: New Guy
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Thanks Victor , you had me laughing there , reading of your trip to the City , alot of what you said is sooo true , but I think overall we're not that bad.
No ya'll couldn't be that bad; after all I was born there!

Quote:
As far as ground zero goes and 9/11 I unfortunetly was there and witnessed it close up ( picking up bodies etc...)

My thing during this time was overwelming rage to the point where I was shaking . It was very difficult , luckily I had a job to do and it helped.
Jack I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been...

The job you & others like you did is nothing short
of the best of humanity in action.

Quote:
I'm very new to this and have'nt really understood when or why somethigs triggers my past ,I thing though that sometimes it has to do with children.
Well fellow Manhattanite when you figure it out let me know ok?

It was my auto accident last week that led to my latest flashbacks & new details about my father shaking me as an infant, but also while he was doing so sexually abusing me.

What I've been able to figure out has come by trial & error, with lots of therapy & support.

Jack I'm not surprised if it has something to do with children, since you were abused as a child. I don't think this is uncommon. As you work thru therapy & recovery you will probably find it coming together more & more.

Quote:
Thanks , Jack
Thank you brother!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#18879 - 05/14/03 04:07 PM Re: New Guy
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Welcome Jack,

Keep talking to us. We can hear everything you've desribed. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. More and more of us are crawling into the light from under our damp depressive rocks. I'm sorry we have abuse in common, but healing, recovering men are the most wonderful men I've ever met.

Congratulations for your appointment with a therapist. Take most excellent wonderful care of yourself as the memories and feelings come forward.

Thank you for boldly sharing your story with us. Some of us ran into the woods to tell get away from the pain. We're trees that will listen. We can provide shelter, shade, and quiet listening.

With high regard and respect for your courage,

JamesMichael


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#18880 - 05/14/03 05:41 PM Re: New Guy
josephd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 23
Loc: US
Welcome Jack,

I'm very new here myself, but have already received much benefit from being around a group of understanding and compassionate men who can relate to me. Everyone here seems to have that compassion in common... because I think we all know what it feels like to feel that emptiness. To not understand why things have happened the way they have, and how we can undo this cycle that we've been pulled into.

Keep coming, that's what I've been told and it's working for me. Imagine, what it would be like to not have those feelings controlling you... and learning to be free from them! That's my motivation, to be free. Hope to see you around often.

jd

_________________________
"We will either find a way or make one."

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#18881 - 05/14/03 05:59 PM Re: New Guy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
Imagine, what it would be like to not have those feelings controlling you... and learning to be free from them!
"Imagine" - it can be reality

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#18882 - 05/14/03 06:38 PM Re: New Guy
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Hi Jack and welcome, you are indeed among friends. Friends that have gone the path several times and back again. The highs and lows are awful but they do pass. I am struggling now myself in saving a 34 year marriage and maintaining my own self worth as well. It is not an easy thing to deal with this abuse issue but, come here often, a sentence or a quote is sometimes all you need to read to get your strength back and move forward to the next thing. Be proud of what you have, love that precious little girl with all your heart. Stay as strong as you can and seek the help you need.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#18883 - 05/15/03 06:52 AM Re: New Guy
JK Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 26
Loc: New York
Thanks James , Joseph and Bob for such kind words and encouragement . You have all made me feel very welcome here .

Bob I'm sorry to hear about the marriage problems I hope everything comes out well . I have a suggestion , try this website I've been to in the past its called marriagebuilders.com and Divorcebusting.com that have really helped me with my current relationship.

I have'nt had much luck in that department in the past , but I'm really hopeful with my current girlfriend who I love very much and has been a pillar of strength , love and support for me since I told her .

Dave , do you really think that it does go away ?

I am hopeful to leave all the negativity behind me and live a more productive life.

My sister suggested I start keeping a Journal , kinda as a theraputic thing . Has anyone done that and has it helped ?

Thanks again so very much ,

Jack


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#18884 - 05/15/03 08:06 AM Re: New Guy
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Jack,

I started writing in a tablet last summer when my marriage really got in trouble. Later my therapist suggested that I write about my feelings each night, so I bought a separate tablet and started writing in there, too. Finally, I started writing a file on my computer, because I'm so accustomed to having Backspace and Delete keys to cover my tracks!

So, I'm writing in 3 places now, not every day in each, but I'm still using all three. I think it does help me. Stuff I wouldn't say to anyone I know I can write and it feels like I've let it out of me, or something like that.

Try it, and if it doesn't do anything for you, you're out a couple bucks for paper and ink. \:\)

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#18885 - 05/15/03 10:03 AM Re: New Guy
JK Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 26
Loc: New York
Thanks Joe you convinced me , I'm going to start tonight and put my feelings and realizations down daily .

You guys are the best

Jack


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#18886 - 05/15/03 11:08 AM Re: New Guy
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Jack,
I started a journal about six months ago. I found it very helpful actually. I think for me it is really a supplement to my therapy. I noticed that it allows me to clearly organize my thoughts and sort through all the junk that tends to run through my head. And it allows me to air out those thoughts. So when I go to my therapist I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what I want to talk about. Okay, that's my two cents.
Good Luck,
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#18887 - 05/15/03 01:37 PM Re: New Guy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jack
A journal, or any writing is a great way to sort it out. When we write we see the words in front of us and can concentrate on what we mean far better.
I do all mine on the computer, I'm close to 100,000 words now - I have no idea what to do with it all !
But I go back and read stuff I did about 5 years ago and it sharpens my mind and brings everything into focus again.

The temptation when using a computer is to edit what you write when you do go back to it, which can be a good idea. BUT - ALWAYS save every version you do onto a disc, that way you get a comparison. Some things I've written I've got about 5 versions of.
The story, the emotions and the detail I never alter, but I add to them, go into greater depth and explore my ideas more. That's when the comparisons between the first version and the later ones get interesting.

It's a strange feeling expressing emotions on a screen, I have to do mine privately - although my wife has read most of my stuff now. But it's there in front of you, in your face and you can't ignore it.

Whatever method you choose though I think it's one of the most powerful tools we have.
I also took mine to my Therapist who took them away to read, and the next week he'd have something to discuss - or rather something for me to work at !

Quote:
Dave , do you really think that it does go away ?

I am hopeful to leave all the negativity behind me and live a more productive life.
It can't go away, we can't force ourselves to forget things, hell - haven't we tried that already ?
I think what we learn to do is put our abuse in it's place.
I disclosed to my wife when I was 45 or so, and up to that point my life was dominated by memories of the abuse, sexual fantasy and eventually sexual acting out. Every possible waking moment was dedicated to thinking about this stuff.

I'm nearly 50 now, and therapy ( 1 to 1 & group )coming here and my own efforts - not forgetting my wife and a few close friends, have made my life completely different.

I am no longer dominated by the old thoughts, they faded away gradually to the point that I can't even force my old fantasies to work anymore, they actually kill off any desire to masturbate - and they certainly don't work when making love with my wife. And I relied on this stuff for many years.

I can remember what happened to me as a kid as clearly as ever, but the focus has altered. I actually have it in focus now and I see it for what it was. Four years of someone taking advantage of me and 31 years of confusion.

The confusion was my "negativity" and releasing myself from that has made room for me to become "productive"

It won't go away, but it can be put in it's place.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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