For some reason I am having a tough time about the abuse again. For quiet some time it has been going well but for the past few days there is a lot of questions again.

My biggest problem remains that sometimes I still blame myself. I still feel that somehow I gave my perp the wrong impression of me, that I attaracted him because of things I did. One of the reasons that I dont see some of what happened as abuse is because he was only 3 years older than me. Everytime he sat on my face and forced me to sattisfy him orally he did the same for me. I usually were done before him and somehow I then got so disgusted I were able to tuen my head away and not sattisfy him. Now the thinking patern is this. Didn't I perhaps, because of not sattisfying him make him come back every time? Although a few times he actually were sattisfied he did it to me again afterwards. The second thing and this is really bothering me. Why could I get my head turned away when I was sattisfied but every time he started it I didnt try to much. Didnt I perhaps want it then?

Every time he did it to me he had to pin me to the ground. Every time he had to force my mouth open and yet I feel I wanted it because I did not struggle more or scream for help.

Another thing, how do I get to a point of accepting that some of the things I did was due to him. I know exactly why he stopped raping me. I am too ashamed to say why but it was something that I believe happened due to the perverted image I had of sex. I sometimes wonder if he didnt see what he did if he would not have still continued sattisfying me. I just dont know. These question just seems to pop up every now and then and I just feel I could have done more to stop him from doing it to me for 5 long years.

I was talkng to someone about defining all of the aspects of the relations as "abuse." He was saying that I really need to see ALL of it as abuse in order to move-on. I have this problem with the fact that I perpetuated things from age 10-14.

I realize that I was programed to act-out as I did from 10-14. However, it was what it was. That is, I went looking for sex during those years more than they came looking for me. I initiated plenty of times.

Additionally, my lead-perp Dean served as a source of great comfort and a retreat to security when things were bad at home during those years. So I was programed, so I was driven to him/them/it...yes conditions were right for me to be used....but I stil have that memory of ME being the initiator. I was programed for sex...but I also had some degree of control.

So yeah...I know what you are talking about.

But I'm also told I need to see that had the initial rapes never taken place, I would have never been in an acting-out mode.

It can be a vicious circle of thought, blame, guilt... I hate it all.

robbie i think i'm in that position now. i just came from a therapy session (i'm feeling a lot better since my last post). my t told be that i really need to start thinking about different kinds of abuse. i think she feels that i'm in another abusive situation now but it doesn't feel like it to me because i kind of have control of the situation.
things are pretty tough in my life right now and i'm finding solace in a guy (my first voluntary relationship with a guy). even though hes kind of cheating on me...and its starting to feel like i'm just being used for sex. but i'm choosing to go back there you know? even if i don't feel so good about it. does this sound kinda on the same lines?

JF...

I have been there...knowing the guy was cheating ad not caring because I just want someone to be with...dont sell yourself short though!!! You deserve someone who can be just yours and treat you like a partner.

Brian