I was talkng to someone about defining all of the aspects of the relations as "abuse." He was saying that I really need to see ALL of it as abuse in order to move-on. I have this problem with the fact that I perpetuated things from age 10-14.
I realize that I was programed to act-out as I did from 10-14. However, it was what it was. That is, I went looking for sex during those years more than they came looking for me. I initiated plenty of times.
Additionally, my lead-perp Dean served as a source of great comfort and a retreat to security when things were bad at home during those years. So I was programed, so I was driven to him/them/it...yes conditions were right for me to be used....but I stil have that memory of ME being the initiator. I was programed for sex...but I also had some degree of control.
So yeah...I know what you are talking about.
But I'm also told I need to see that had the initial rapes never taken place, I would have never been in an acting-out mode.
It can be a vicious circle of thought, blame, guilt... I hate it all.
My fault? How's this my fault? [Dean Vernon Wormer, 1978]