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#175492 - 08/24/07 01:04 AM Re: Newcomer - dealing with multiple abuse memories [Re: froggy12]
gay30something Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 26
Loc: New England, USA
Well, I did talk to my brother again. He was clearly drunk, again. Not that people shouldn't be allowed to partake of alcohol, but I think this may be part of the reason for his immature and cruel responses.

I told him I think he was victimized along with me at a young age. I think we were both targeted and I believe it was by a minister. The whole memory is not 100% clear at this point.

Actually the molestation memories from years earlier, when he wasn't with me, are more vivid. Maybe this is something psychological in which I feel I did wrong by not stopping whatever I'm remembering happened to both of us together.

I don't know.

I do know there are a lot of troubling memories from when I was even younger.

He claims he remembers nothing of this, as far as the later memories when I would have been 10 or 11 and he would have been 6.

I talked to his fiancee about it too, for a long time. As a female, like all the others I talked to, she seemed far more understanding and didn't try to be dismissive and didn't give out any of the denials.

I am reading a book on church sex abuse that just came out. It said that even children who claim abuse from a church, where there are known, publicly known offenders, many parents go into denial and tell the child that the child is lying.

I guess I'm one of them. Well, they didn't say lying, they just said it couldn't have happened. I wasn't there THAT long. Couldn't have happened during an hour or two at a church program. Nope, not you. Other boys, maybe, but not you. You talked too much. You were too intelligent. You couldn't keep any secrets, let alone one this big.

Right Dad. Thanks Dad. You are the greatest father on earth, Dad.

I wasn't a child who was taken on camping trips, etc. I wasn't an altar boy like him, and by the way HE WAS NEVER EVER EVER MOLESTED BY ANYONE. Boy did his eyes bulge out when he said that. Hmm. And by the way, while he doesn't believe in God, the church was very very helpful to him as a poor child immigrant in the 1950s/early 60s. They took him everywhere, helped him and his family, and none of them, none of them every touched him. Did he tell me that, like 20 times in an hour?

I was usually only in these places and hour or two. I wasn't an altar boy. My parents weren't close to the church like others.

Etc. etc. So, he says they (different time, different place) didn't get him. There is a witch hunt. Etc.

If it happened, must have been when I was older and not in their care.

Even though he doesn't support churches, he certainly goes into full swing denial on their behalf. Almost like he was programmed.

Unbelievable he (dad) would say this, as there were several known offenders that were in that location and other locations neareby, that were affiliated with that church. Many victims.

Denial is very powerful indeed. And very hurtful to me.



Edited by gay30something (08/24/07 01:12 AM)
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#185349 - 10/06/07 09:27 PM Re: Newcomer - dealing with multiple abuse memories [Re: froggy12]
rugbydawg Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/11/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Portland, OR
Wow, thanks for taking the courage to share this, it is timely and relevant for me at this point in my journey. I'm a 40 year old guy, gay and living with my partner. For reasons which are not completely clear to me, a lot of my CSA stuff has been coming up lately. I have a great therapist, a sex positive gay man, and have been making some good progress, but lately I've felt frustrated. I think part of it may be the time of the year, I have a vague recollection of being very depressed this time of year since I was a child. I can't remember if it is one of the times I was assaulted, I seem to have "lost" certain details in an effort to maintain my sanity. It may also be close to my late father's birthday, and reflecting on the role he played in my life, specifically my anger at my parents not being able to prevent me from abuse.

I'm at a place in my life when I'm tired of making the same mistakes over and over. I want to continue my life and grow, thrive to be the person I truly am. The problem is that I realize that I can't do this without facing my abuse.

I understand the need to reintegrate the lost pieces of our lives, and I'm trying, just at some points I get overwhelmed. It is so difficult to express what I'm feeling at times. Trust and intimacy are huge issues for me, and trying to maintain good communication in my relationship is hard at times. I am the healer, the fixer, and the one everyone relies upon to be the rock. I'm just tired of playing that role, and want to learn how to trust again.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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#188006 - 10/20/07 12:49 AM Re: Newcomer - dealing with multiple abuse memories [Re: rugbydawg]
Gtrudeljr Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/20/07
Posts: 2
I too was raped and sexually assaulted (incest) from age 5 for about 7 years. My mom and dada are wonderful about it, however the rest of the family did not accept this. they constantly tried to cut holes in my memories. I am 40 now, have faced him in court (brought by his own son) and saw him get accuitted because my own grandmother paid a high priced attourney to cross examine me and his son.
about a year after the trial I decided to rid myself of thier negativitity. I told them all if they did not respect me and my recollection of events I could not have anything to do with them. I have been better off without them around, however long for a family holiday. My partner knows this and has all our friends come over when I begin to feel this way.
as far as how much you remeber and when. I have a poem I wrote when I was going through a really bad time. i keep it on the refrigerator and look at it daily.

The greatness within
Every person has a soul
Every soul has a purpose
Every person has a mind
Your mind will let your soul know when you are ready to deal with it.
You have the greatness within
You have the greatness within
You have the greatness within

Peace and happiness
Jerry


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