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#187685 - 10/17/07 08:08 PM Drop the Corps
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana

I heard a preacher talking this morning and he made some good points about forgiveness.

Holding on to the anger and pain of the abuse is like strapping a corps to your back. If you carry it around long enough it will begin to infect you and jeopardize your health. The best medicine is to drop the dead weight that is imprisoning you before it takes your life.

Forgiveness may seem like a strange term at any point in the recovery process but it’s not for the abuser its for us, so we can get on with our life. Letting go of the people that cause us harm does not mean we think its okay that they have harmed us, we are not saying we liked the abuse, we don't have to like them or like what they do or what they have done or agree with their lifestyle to be able to forgive them. We don't have to love them, just let them go. Forgive them and let them go for or own health.

This is not as easy as just reading what has been written and I know that, it took me years to figure out that I had the right to be angry, more years passed by before I realized I had lost so much and began hating the abuser, even more time passed before I could say, "I forgive you" and move on with my own life. I just thought it might help to bring this subject up once again, it has been in the threads many times and always seems to be controversial and it is, because it’s not easy forgiving something so heinous.

If you are having trouble with forgiveness try starting out by thinking of it as letting go or cutting the corps away from your back and take it slow from there. You are not giving in nor are you agreeing with the abuse or the abuser you’re just getting it out of your system.

It works guys, don't give up hope.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#187717 - 10/18/07 12:27 AM Re: Drop the Corps [Re: John Oarc]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
"It will be a cold day in Hell" before I forgive the person that raped me

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#187720 - 10/18/07 01:07 AM Re: Drop the Corps [Re: OKIE MIKE]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
John,

I dropped the corps several years ago and having that dead thing off my shoulders was a life changing experience.

I forgave, but I will not forget.

-Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#187727 - 10/18/07 01:52 AM Re: Drop the Corps [Re: OKIE MIKE]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Forgiveness I think is the wrong word here. Perhaps the preacher you heard doesn’t truly understand what the word really means. Or at least doesn’t really understand what it means to someone who was sexually abused as a child. Letting go of the pain is understanding that is wasn’t your fault, understanding that it was the abusers (the perp) fault 100%. Forgiveness may be granted only to those who ask for forgiveness. How than can you forgive someone that doesn’t ask for forgiveness? The answer is simple, you don’t.

Letting go is something entirely different but is often confused with forgiveness. Getting rid of that heavy load on your back “the corps” can be accomplished by means other than forgiveness. Getting rid of that corps can also be achieved by “letting go”, truly understanding that it wasn’t your fault, you were just a kid (whatever age that was).

I think it’s wrong of someone (including clergy) to suggest that you must forgive in order to heal. I know they are wrong, I can attest to that.

Scotia


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#187748 - 10/18/07 08:01 AM Re: Drop the Corps [Re: scotia1]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
From my experience it was really like a wight lifted from my shoulder the day I was able to say I gorgive them for what they did.

And to me its not because of any pressure from clergy or friends it was purely because I knew it was the right thing to do, that it was holding me back from a full life and kept me bitter.

And I dont agree the person need to ask my forgivness. Its my choice to forgive and try to let go. Its something that will rlease my potential and MY healing. So if they never ask, as I know the cant I have done my part. They will have to forgive themselves at one satge in their lives.

John thanks for sharing the image, it is so accurate to me personally.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#187752 - 10/18/07 08:18 AM Re: Drop the Corpse [Re: scotia1]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: scotia1
Forgiveness may be granted only to those who ask for forgiveness. How than can you forgive someone that doesn’t ask for forgiveness? The answer is simple, you don’t.

I completely disagree. It has been my experience and training that forgiveness is something that happens inside of me and has absolutely nothing to do with the other person asking. The person doesn't even need to know you have forgiven them.

One of the issues I've noticed is the confusion of "forgiveness" with "reconciliation". They are not the same. Forgiveness simply means I no longer hold someone in anger for what they have done. I forgive the deed. Doesn't mean I trust them, or that I will even be in communication with them. Just that I let it go.

Whether it is "necessary" to heal - that I don't know, except to say that since forgiveness is an important part of who I am - I believe FOR ME the act of forgiveness is crucial to complete healing. I see it as a very real goal in my recovery. ONE of the many goals I have and, again - for me, one of great value.

M


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#187757 - 10/18/07 08:38 AM Re: Drop the Corpse [Re: MarkK]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I think forgiveness is at the very end of a long, long, journey that can take decades to travel. It does include, most of all, letting it go - not assuaging blame or responsibility, just letting go - cutting them out of your life.

If even the thought of forgiveness is an athema to you, then don't worry about it, you aren't there yet, might be years, might be never.

Just cause someone else has reached that point doesn't mean you should feel bad that you aren't there. We each have our journey. It's great to hear the perspective from the guys near the end of their healing.

Paul


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#187759 - 10/18/07 08:43 AM Re: Drop the Corpse [Re: Paul1959]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Paul1959
Just cause someone else has reached that point doesn't mean you should feel bad that you aren't there. We each have our journey. It's great to hear the perspective from the guys near the end of their healing.

Very well put, Paul. "We each have our own journey" is so dead-on-center. Thank you for saying it.

And I agree - it's very beneficial to hear from those who are farther along their own road to healing. It lets us know we are not alone, and there is life ahead on this road, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

M


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#187772 - 10/18/07 11:08 AM Re: Drop the Corpse [Re: MarkK]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Forgiveness to me is a long, long road that's travelled daily. It can't be rushed or forced. It doesn't justify, or take away any of the damaged caused, but it is a choice which truely frees me from his/their/my grip. I was mad as hell, at them, at myself, and at God. I am coming to terms with each as time passes by. Some more than others.

Richard.


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#187776 - 10/18/07 11:34 AM Re: Drop the Corpse [Re: Woundedheart]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
We use the word "acceptance" instead of "forgiveness" in our group. Not quite the same but I think the load is lessoned in the same way.

Mike



Edited by mogigo (10/18/07 11:34 AM)
_________________________
Thriving

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