Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (pete1973, don64, 1 invisible), 45 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63119 Topics
441403 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#187430 - 10/16/07 10:55 AM Help and advice needed
confused444 Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/16/07
Posts: 2
I think my husband was raped by a woman. I don't know what the encounter might be called. He was close, intimate, physically affectionate (kisses, hugging, massages etc) with this woman. He loved her 'like a sister' in his words. They had an ongoing emotional affair for about 5 years previous to the incident. She is an old high school girlfriend of his, she is married.
He says that one night, he was very drunk, and she took advantage of him. He says he did not want the encounter at all, and did not have any feelings of attaction towards her in that way at all. Was he raped? He said did not feel trauma from the event, he said it was disturbing, but put it behind him.
His relationship with the woman continued in the same manner after the encouter, including the physical affection and emotional closeness. He has stated that he does not feel it was rape, since it was not violent. Also, he does not remember what happened at all - he found out from another friend later what had happened. He has suggested he may have been drugged. He doesn't feel there is any outlet for men with issues like this, and that society would dismiss his feelings if he tried to bring up to someone that he felt he was raped. So I have gone looking for help, and found this forum. Is this a place he may find help for what happened to him? And why would he not feel trauma about the event? He says since he does not remember the incident, he does not feel traumatized by it. He does say he feels victimized by the woman, and that she brainwashed and manipulated him.
He was unable to tell me about this incident, I found out about what happened from a mutual friend 4 years ago. He refused to speak about this incident except for saying he felt shame about it and uncomfortable around her husband. Now, 4 years later he is speaking about it a little, and I'd like to try to help him. What can I do to help him talk about it? He has never confronted the woman.


Top
#187470 - 10/16/07 03:58 PM Re: Help and advice needed [Re: confused444]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
confused,

Hi, I want to begin by saying I'm no expert ... and also to let you know that sexual abused victims are very complicated ...
If your husband it's not dealing with any of the effects of being abused I will sujest you shut down the site, any inquired and droped all your inquires ... this is real and it's painfull for the victims and there family.
If he was abused he needs to be the one searching not you.. and if he was not then lucky you... I will deal with infidelity any time compare to abused .

So be carefull that you are not opening a can of worms ... It's not fun .. it's heavy , painfull in reality the worsed experience of my life ( as I said... I will rather deal with infidelity)

so if you husband it's not dealing with it then you should not either.... move on and be happy!

Read some of the posting so that you will see what I mean and then hopefully you wont have to log in and get support here because you wont need it.

Good luck to you = )


Top
#187588 - 10/17/07 08:18 AM Re: Help and advice needed [Re: ptsdwife]
confused444 Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/16/07
Posts: 2
That's the thing - he's not happy. He says he was brainwashed by the woman and feels intense anger towards her, but does not feel that he can call it rape, because he states 'men cannot be raped'. He does not feel he has the right to feel violated because he is male, and it was his own fault by putting himself in a vulnerable position by drinking around her. He said if he was a woman and this happened to him, he would have gone to the police directly. But as a man, he feels he would have been laughed at if he did so. So I don't know how to take any of this, or what he is looking for. But he's definitely not happy.


Top
#187623 - 10/17/07 12:30 PM Re: Help and advice needed [Re: confused444]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Dear Confused,

Can men be r*ped? In a word, yes. It happened to my husband. Read through some of my threads, maybe you'll be able to get some clarity. Keep in mind though, that his r*pe happened during our marriage, and he hid it from me (or hid it from himself, which is how he looks at it), so we are dealing with a lot of other issues. The one thing I do know is that it CAN and unfortunately DOES happen.

Thewife


Top
#187714 - 10/18/07 12:15 AM Re: Help and advice needed [Re: confused444]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Confused,

Just be carefull how you handle it... he's not happy now. But if you start to dwell on the abused it will became a [color:#CC0000]moster...

Let him deal with it on his own .. just be there for him and try to put it behind if possible or at least I would not be the one bringing the subject... take his side and try to get the female out of your life and as far as away as possible....

again ... let him be the one deciding how he feels and just be patiente and supportive.

this can be your worst nightmare if it becames a full blown abused ( In his mind ) maybe you can go to conseling or read so you know what to look for meaning ... deprecion , anciety etc

be very carefull, and supportive but dont run with the facts just let it be.. it's his to deal.

that's my honest opinion ...

God be with you and your family.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.