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#187634 - 10/17/07 02:15 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Agape Girl, you are not a nut case...

or maybe we all are and that's why we all understand each other so well!

It's rough, I know. I don't think I'm much help to anybody right now.

Please keep us updated.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#187682 - 10/17/07 07:51 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: violet]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Hi Everyone,

I bet your sick of me by now...I have a T appointment for tomorrow at 5 30pm. I'll keep company with you here till then and hopefully I will have had an attitude adjustment and a new outlook on things. Right S-n-S?

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING....

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187688 - 10/17/07 08:44 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
I'm sure I speak for many if not all of us when I say we will never be sick of anyone who needs help or that are seeking insight here. But yes talk to your T before you make a final decision about what you should do. But I want to say that you do not need a attitude adjustment just time to think and heal from your bad experience.

You have the right to be here because now your life has been touched and likely forever changed by your BF's abuser. I hope that you stay but I understand if you feel that you need to step back away from this. I don't know sometimes when reading here I feel like this is the front line of a battle zone. Their is so much pain and suffering people you want to help but can't. But their are heroes and stories of victory's here as well. I am so happy that I found this place and got the guts to post more than once.

Take care my friend wherever life takes you.

Your friend,
Brokensoul


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#187744 - 10/18/07 07:19 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: brokensoul]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
sorry I came to this so late, I have been taking a break after illness and exhaustion, but came here today and really want to reply to you Kelly.



I just wanted to say, firstly you are always welcome here as far as I'm concerned, since your life has been touched and affected in this way.


Secondly, I wanted to extend a compassionate, empathetic hug to you for everything you are having to deal with right now. It is HUGE. Especially if your partner is dealing with identity issues. That's what I've been through with my partnern(still going through) and speaking from personal experience, it has been an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE for me. I'm not sure of the other details of your partner's infidelity, but if you're having to deal with that too, then clearly you have A LOT on your plate. I wanted to say I think you were absolutely on the right track by starting off with questions you needed to ask and well done for looking out for YOURSELF in doing that. It's way more than I did!! I have been ALL OVER THE PLACE, really mostly a mess, asking random disorganised questions at various unplanned and sometimes inconventient opportunities!!! So, you were level headed about it and organised, considerate etc........

....you are seeing a T and that's great and I hope it brings you continual strength and self learning. I am only sorry your partner couldn't answer some of your questions, share himself with you a little. I don't think that what you want is unreasonable or inconsiderate in any way, it is natural. However, it's looking like your partner, just for the moment, is not capable of fullfilling this side of the relationship. This is the reality you are currently faced with. I did go through a similar period with my partner actually.....I mean, I was COMPLETELY in the dark and it was severely unbearable, so I really don't envy what you're going through right now.........and still quite often now, I get this feeling that I don't really know my partner all that well, or where he's at.....


The question is, what does this mean for you? How can you best look after yourself in all of this? What degree of closeness do YOU feel comfortable sharing while things are like this and what kind of closeness is your partner asking for while things are like this? I'm not pointing the finger at him, I'm just saying that everything has it's balance..... It sounds as if you've been really very supportive, loving, caring, considerate.......


For example, with my partner, I have noticed a pattern where he seems to want love, support etc, quite often without talking to me hardly at all and for a good long while, that's what i offered, but just recently I have stopped doing that, since it merely bypasses my own feelings, which DO COUNT!!! If I am to be supporting him, I at least need to know something of what is actually going on for him.........



I would say, carry on thinking about how things are for YOU, since it is obvious you are ALREADY caring, considerate, empathetic etc etc, so those are not things you need to be further concentrating on. I don't mean stop doing them/forget about them, just that naturally you're likely to be drawn to them anyway.......... There may be further stressfull times ahead.....these situations can change like the wind, so don't worry too much about things carrying on exactly like they are now.......your partner's current avoidance of talking about where he's at may well change, hopefully for you, sooner rather than later......



Oh yes, and I don't think it was such a terrible thing that you blew up with anger over everything that's happened. You're only human and and it sounds like you've been through a LOT, so please don't underestimate that.


It can be so hard just to get on with other aspects of your relationship(as suggested by honeygirl) when things are like this, so be kind to yourself. Perhaps for example, you might need limited time with your partner for the moment. No, I'm not suggesting seperation, just space for yourself within the relationship. Time just for you, where you need only be concerned with yourself, your own space, activities etc. Personally I choose to look at it this way: I feel like a wounded animal and I am taking myself off into my own safe space to recover from my own injuries.


I hope your T session is very supportive for you tonight.
I wish you some peace,
Beccy


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#187755 - 10/18/07 08:35 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: beccy]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Beccy;

You've got me pinned 100%. I'm doing exactly what you said, a little seperation, I contemplated sleeping in one of our spare rooms but decided not, it felt mean of me to do that. But I have given my self a little space yesterday and it was easy as my bf worked late. I take yoga 3 times a week, and I have a little sister from Big Brothers and Big Sisters, that I spend a little time with, and family (although that gets tricky as they know nothing and you can visably tell when I'm down) is close by too.
I'll be okay, I've got those survival skills down pat, it's just been a while since I've had to use them. Thanks for your post, I might just print these all out and share with my T today.

Have a great day all....thank you again.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187840 - 10/18/07 07:29 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
VALIDATION!!!!
I know my T is supposed to be there for me but, SHE WAS 100% blown away with my bf T session this week. She just kept appologizing for what happened to me this week. We had a good session and I've even booked her 2 more times. I told her I'm stepping out of his recovery. I've noticed in her office there are several book cases filled with books of all sorts. I gave her all 3 books that I own about CSA. If my bf wants to read he will get the books himself. Meanwhile I've paid it forward!

She understood that me blowing up was probably a good thing to get my bf to another level, he might of needed to hear me be mad, instead of always being nice, (I don't know about that one but I'll take any bit of understanding I can get right now).

She offered me to speak with his T and let him know that he made me feel very very uncomfortable and misunderstood. She said she would want that if the roles were reversed and my bf was in my shoes.

I'm backing off from my bf, and creating a little distance from him. He knows I'm hurting but letting it lye right now might be for the better for me. I know I've thanked everyone time and time again for this (say it with me girls), "Shitty-ass" week. But you all helped bring me down and sooth me. I won't be leaving you, at least not right now. I realize now in hindsight that hasty decisions are not wise. So I'll continue to be the best cheerleader I can.

This I promise is the last post on my Rant and Rave regarding this issue.

AGAIN THANK YOU TO ALL
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((XOXOX))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187847 - 10/18/07 08:22 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm glad it went well Kelly - It's always so nice to have someone in real life who you KNOW has your back! Relax tonight and be at peace with yourself.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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