Woke up in a cold panic last night. The conference in NYC is a week away, and at the last minute, I got up my courage and signed up for the Mike Lew event. Now it’s hitting me that I’m terrified—What if I can’t cope? (I can’t read the man’s book for more than five minutes at a time. What was I thinking?) What if my defenses come crashing down? What if I open up all those hidden feelings and then have to go to work on Monday? How will I deal with my father when I visit the following week, or my mother when we take a trip together at the end of the year? It’s so easy to be brave and eloquent on a message board. But when it’s me in a room with other survivors?

I know I can’t move forward until I get past the need to keep shutting it all down. I know that it doesn’t have to be like the last time I tried to deal with this stuff (I have a life now, for one thing, and didn’t then) – I don’t have to go nuts, get depressed, get obsessed, and fall apart. I need to trust that I’m dealing with this now because I’m ready to cope with it. And back off if it feels overwhelming.

But I’m scared. I could use a word of reassurance.

(Wandering blindly into the Memory Vault, and hoping the door doesn’t lock behind me.)

Here's something to remember, no ones going to force you to do anything you don't want to do, if something is too much for you, no one is going to fault you for not doing it.

If you want to you can just go back to your hotel if thats what you need to do. Also at any Malesurivor event I've gone to, there has always been someone to talk to about your fears and feelings.

Jason

Thanks, Jason.

Extra reassurance: no hotel. As a fellow Jerseyan, I can hop on the bus and go home!

Gosh, is this an all-NJ thread?

Just to reassure you, there are always volunteer professionals floating around to man the "safe room" so if anyone gets panicky or needs to talk to someone, the safe room is the place to go.

Also, Mike is quite experienced in spotting people who are having difficulties so be assured that even if you get triggered or upset, there will be safe, friendly folks to help out.

Ken