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#187354 - 10/15/07 10:38 PM consumed with doubt
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I'm having a really hard time believing my wife to be will want nothing to do with me real soon.

I cant understand why , and what i struggle with is saying no to her
When she asks me to massage her feet,give her lots of hugs,touching me all the time,feeling obligated to do essentially whatever she wants yet i ignore my own wants/needs/desires, when i dont want to

When we talk about things in our lives and what we want i feel as though i am damaged goods therefore what do i have to offer

Feeling all keyed up when i am sitting in the living room with her afraid i have to always talk because i hate the "silence

I'm not a stupid man in that she would not have moved in with and willing to spend her life with me if she felt otherwise....am i correct

As a survivor i tend to always want to talk about "it" ( the abuse ) almost like i want her to know my pain and fear and lack of trust i have in others

Will it always be this way when i want to speak my mind i revert into the safest place i know....inside myself ( my mind )

I'm rattled with frustration and have no reason whatsoever for this

I love her yet i just want my space sometimes and yet unable to express it

This hurts because i know how honest i can be but i dont want to hurt anyone with my words anymore.

Filled with fear all the time she'll call me when she's at work and not coming home,i dont work im on social security disability as a result of sexual abuse throughout my childhood

I could go on and on with the laundry list of worries,fears,concerns,and most of all insecurities

Who knows maybe i am having one of those days....although "those days" seem to be rearing its ugly head alot lately

I'm at my wits end

I need help....who will cry for the little boy is an awesome poem....Who will cry for the little boy?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand.
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died again and again.

Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who cries inside of me?




Coopstah



Edited by thecoopstah (10/15/07 10:44 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#187414 - 10/16/07 09:53 AM Re: consumed with doubt [Re: thecoopstah]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
This hurts because i know how honest i can be but i dont want to hurt anyone with my words anymore.

I feel it too Coop! Try to have a better day today.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187639 - 10/17/07 02:36 PM Re: consumed with doubt [Re: Agape Girl]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Coopstah,

If she didn't love you, she wouldn't have stayed with you through all the turmoil so far. She could see what she was signing on for.

She loves you. She is the one who cries for you, Coop.

Just talk to her. She seems to have handled everything you've brought up before in stride.

Hope you are having a better week now.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#187647 - 10/17/07 03:09 PM Re: consumed with doubt [Re: violet]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Coop,

OK, this might sound weird, but it sounds to me like your a little jealous of your lady. She has the ability to talk, to go out, to work, to ask for what she wants or to just sit quietly, and maybe a bunch of other things but you aren't comfortable doing any of them. How about instead of making yourself so stressed over it and instead of talking about the abuse, you pick one of those things that you want to do but can't and ask her how? Maybe she could help you instead of unknowingly stressing you.

The things you do for her are nice things and just because she asks and just because you do it, doesn't make it bad. What makes it bad is if you don't want to but you disregard yourself anyway.

Try taking little steps Coop and learning little things at a time. Once you've mastered one, move on to another while continuing to practice the first. Sooner or later, I'm willing to bet the two of you find a happy peace.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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