The longing for touch is driving me insane.
To be held, to be cuddled, will never be the same.
All is tainted now, since what happened in the past.
All that suspicion lying at the bottom, clouding all of that.

It's not sex that I'm after, it's all that I know.
That's all they were after, so many years ago.
I'm longing for something that I've never had.
A loving embrace, a cuddle, a hug, to sit on your lap.

Many are trying, trying to give me just that.
But, like I said before, I remember that past.
It's that past that haunts me, and is holding me back.

Each time someone touches, an alarm does sound.
I know what you want, the word has gotten around.
Your after my body, it's not me that you want.
I fall helpless before you, I don't know how to stop.

It's not you I'm afraid of, not anymore.
The you has changed faces so much, it's not you anymore.
It's my lack of ability to slam shut the door.

I don't know how to stop you, if you ever get started.
I already know what you really wanted.
So, take it, use it, then throw it back.
It's been used so many times before its nothing but trash.

It just the place I'm living, it no big deal.
I'll just stay in this loneliness, suspicious, with fear.
I'll just sit here remembering all those times before.
When I was just nothing, just everybodies whore.

Richard.

Richard,

i understand. how do you reach out when you're deathly afraid of what will happen if you are touched?

m

Mark,

These days when it happens when I reachout or when someone touches me in an appropriate non-sexual manner, it's with faith and against all that I feel and fear inside. It's at its worst the more private the setting. But, the fear is always there. I guess the desire sometimes out weighs the fear. But, the suspicion is always there at the first thought.

Richard.

Thanx, Richard. "Worst the more private the setting" rings VERY true for me also. But yeah, the fear is always there. A guy joked once during a group support meeting about just giving me a hug - if I could have bolted thru the wall I would have.

Thanx for posting, Richard. You help me realize I'm not the only one in this condition and that does help some.

M

One of my abusers would come up behind me and grab my shoulders and start rubbing them. To this day, if someone does that I freakout, not as bad as I use to, but it still freaks me out.

Thank you Mark. You are returning the favor, too.

Richard.

Post deleted by ttoon

moving indeed, i know that helpless doomed feeling too, thanks for posting

Thanks from me as well. I am still struggling with that overbearing need. To be held close in a safe no strings attached way. And to experience the love of a man not because of what he wants but just because I need it.

My perp from church caught me with this one. Offering as much of what I needed whenever I needed. And then it turned sexual and he had me exactly where he wanted to, dependant on his love and touch.

Richard,

Your words capture what I experience as this longing to be held/touched and how I push people away...especially other men. This is because others either violently forced their way in or I allowed in and they betrayed that sacred trust.

However, there is hope. I have found safe men and women who are willing and who do give me safe, healthy non-sexual touch ... when I let them :>)

Thanks for sharing your poem