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#187531 - 10/16/07 10:53 PM another wasted evening
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
everyone at group has their memories, their flashbacks - the stuff they are working at.

me?

i got nothing. no real memories. no flashbacks. i don't fit in there either.

i'm running out of places to try.

M


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#187554 - 10/17/07 12:41 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MarkK]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mark, I don't follow what you're saying. Are you saying that you're dealing with issues, and that because of these issues, you've long suspected or have known that you were sexually abused but that you can't "remember" it?


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#187600 - 10/17/07 09:30 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: Hauser]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
basically. i have no memories. no clear, distinct memories. a couple disjointed ones is all. and that's for basially the first 14 years of my life. there is one memory that if i start to get close to i go into panic mode. i physically actually have to RUN to get away from it. but NO REAL MEMORIES. no dreams. no flashbacks.

one piece of recovery is admitting what happened to you was abuse. kinda hard to do that when you don't have a real picture of what DID happen.

i know enough to say stuff happened. my T agrees, with what i DO know, and the issues i'm up against, it happened. just no details. and i'm frustrated and angry from sitting with guys who have all this information, and are constantly getting more. how am i supposed to be part of a group like that?!?

\:\(

m


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#187602 - 10/17/07 09:42 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MarkK]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Mark --

I don't know if this helps, but I remember a few abuse incidents very clearly. I hope that's all it was, but I suspect there's more. Once, years ago, I felt such a need to remember that I did come up with a lot of memories that I really doubt now. That was the most damaging road I ever went down. So I limit myself now to dealing with the stuff I know for sure, and there's plenty of that. But what's given me some peace is that the hard facts are important if you're building a legal case, but they're not what brings you recovery.

I used to long for a time machine, invisibility cloak, and video camera-- so I could go get the tape that shows exactly what happened. Or a series of tapes that show nothing happening. But I don't think that's the answer anymore. Some guys here know every detail...some WERE taped. They're still hurting and trying to work through their issues today.

Originally Posted By: MarkK
i know enough to say stuff happened. my T agrees, with what i DO know, and the issues i'm up against, it happened.


Something bad happened, and you're hurting now in different ways--issues are showing up in your life today. You can work with that--that's enough to go on.

If it's a legitimacy question ("Do I have the right to be here? Do I have the right to do this?"), you do. There's no sign at the door here saying "you must be THIS abused to enter this ride. Show history for inspection." \:\)

David






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#187603 - 10/17/07 09:46 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MemoryVault]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
David,

Yes - I know it's enough to "go on". The point isn't whether or not i have something to work on.

maybe i'm just too stupid to get my message across. wouldn't surprise me. I'm sorry i wasted your time. Please don't sweat it. Thanx.

M


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#187606 - 10/17/07 10:03 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MarkK]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Mark,

I don't have clear memories of first few times. I have memories of before one time and memories after a different time. Two strange memories during the very first time. Lots of memories as I got older. But, after years of putting the pieces together, I still don't have details of those first times, but I know WHAT happened. And, that's almost more than enough for me to handle right now.

I understand not feeling like I'm fitting in. I have been questioned, harrassed is more like it, about not remembering details, having nothing to give them. It felt like they didn't believe me. It still happened, thou.

Richard.


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#187613 - 10/17/07 10:51 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: Woundedheart]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Richard,

that's how i feel. i don't belong. the thought of yet one more place where i'm not welcome just makes me sick.

how do you cope with the feelings of isolation?

M


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#187615 - 10/17/07 11:12 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MarkK]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Lol,

Did I said I was coping.

I am lonelier (is that a word) today than I have ever been.

My love language is physical touch and quality time. I fear being touched and it seems like noone cares or are to busy to spend time. I would say, I am in a state of depression.

Richard.


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#187616 - 10/17/07 11:24 AM Re: another wasted evening [Re: Woundedheart]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Mark --

Just a thought --

I'd worry about a group that bonds mainly over painful memories and flashbacks. I've been in groups like that, years ago--they turned into contests of "who's got the worst stuff to hash out?" I think they did a lot of harm-- the focus on recovery vanished completely. It was all about reliving trauma for its own sake.

I left the main group I'm thinking of when I realized that I'd had a good week for the first time in a long time, and I didn't dare share that! The healthier peple who came to the group left immediately--the ones like me who were struggling took longer to see what was happening and bow out. I'm worried about the members who stayed...I didn't see a lot of healing.

If you feel like flashbacks and horror stories are the price of belonging to your group, it may not be you who doesn't fit in--it may be a group that's locked onto some destructive ways of connecting.


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#187619 - 10/17/07 12:02 PM Re: another wasted evening [Re: MemoryVault]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hey Mark,
I think there is a lot of pain for us who don't know all the details, but want to know them. Is it sick to want to know? I don't think so...I just want to know how I got to where I am today, and I am certain that all the shit I can't figure out from the abuse might help me figure myself out. For example: how did this little kid hide all the crap my brother was doing to me...how did I DEAL with it in my head? I have no memories of the before and after time...that's what I'm digging deep trying to get to. And my perp...my brother who knows all this shit...is not willing to help one iota. And one of my other brothers doesn't get why I need to know...why I just don't move on? That hurts a lot. To be looked at like I'm a whiner, at age 49, because I've finally decided to deal with my CSA.

I don't know if I'm actually helping you here...but I guess what I'm trying to say is you DESERVE to want this information. And, you are not wrong for trying every way possible to get to it.

I think maybe--as hard as this is going to sound--the one memory that sends you into panic mode might be your best option...your only entrance into finding what you are after. Is there some way you can work with your new T to move into that realm...in a VERY controlled way...to see what it brings out from your past? This is a scary proposition...and will most likely need a lot of prep time...but it might be worth considering.

Also, I tend to agree with David about the group work...if it is not contributing to your well being...maybe it is not for you at this juncture in your healing. I went through a period this summer when I had to stop coming to this site because I was just sinking lower by reading everyone else's posts. Finally, it became a helpful thing to me.

Russ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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