I do not understand exactly what triggers are, so if there is a possibility of them being in here, I try to warn.
I wrote this to my beloved husband. His abuser was/is his mother. He chose to go back to her.
I know we are done. At least for a long time. As he is very ill physically, I doubt we will be together again on this planet.
While that does make me sad, I realize that he has made his choice to return to what he knows. I will respect that, as it is his choice to make.
I wanted to share this with y'all. You have been of help in the past. I do not know what tommorrow will bring. All I know is that I must make the right choice for me. And that is to move on.
My prayer for him is that he see through the delusion and the denial. That he sees his way to freedom. I hurt for him so much. Someone told me that I should view this as an opportunity. This is an opportunity for him to face his abuser. It is only by being confronted with her and her behavior that he might see, so in a sense I was hindering his progress by protecting him from her. I hope that isn't true, but if it is/was, then I hope he will see now.
I am letting him go, in hopes he will return. He is THE love of my life. We were lovers in high school and we were together for a year and a half. Mother broke us up then. After a twenty year seperation,( he with his mom the whole time
and me with the husband who was not the love of my life), we reunited.
It took him 6 years to get the courage to marry me against her will. I thought that to be a victory and a sign he was freeing himself. Hindsight is 20/20. We have been married for over 3 years now. Anyway, here's the e-mail I sent him to say good-bye. His name is edited as A. Also, "they" refers to Mother and her helper, his female cousin, who is submissive to Mother, but dominates A.
I love you A. Even after everything that you and they have done to me. I still love you.
There will be justice one day. I know that much of your anger is because of her.
I am sorry you are hurting. Truly I am. I will pray for you.
Praying for them is harder, but for me and for you, I will try.
I have tried to help you grow up and take responsibility for your decisions. I have tried to be your partner. You didn't want me to be your partner.
You wanted me to play second fiddle to your Mom. I can not and will not do that anymore.
I do still love you. very much. I can not afford, for my own sanity and for my safety, to allow you to control me anymore.
You allow her to control you. That is your decision. But I refuse to have her control me through you.
I love you. I always will. Maybe one day, while still on this planet, you will see the Truth. Pray about it. Please, for your own sake. Pray that God show you the Truth.
If you dont see it now, you will soon. But maybe not on this planet.
I love you A. I love you, my beloved. You are beautiful. You have the courage to be kind. You are gifted.
You need to be free. Free to be who you are. YaHWeH tried to free you, but you refused to allow it. You were too afraid.
You live your life based on which course of action gives you the least amount of fear. That is so sad. And so unnecessary.
You can be free from the fear. Remember? FEAR = false evidence appearing real?
Remember you told me that you are afraid that if you confront your mother or try to leave her, you will die? That is because you are enmeshed, which is just a fancy word for being dependent on her. You never emotionally seperated from her. As long as you are part of her and she is part of you, then you are trapped. She can still be your Mom, but not part of you. A seperate person. See?
She doesnt want you to be a seperate person. She made you believe when you were little that you would die if you tried. She did that because she needed you. Her abuse of you was because she needed you too.
She was young and scared and in a new city and probably had an abusive upbringing too. The point is: NONE of that is true or even factual any more.
She does still need you now, but to make herself feel powerful. She needs you to control. And she needs you to blame.
A, you know that your doctors have said that if it hadn't been for me, you would be dead now. More than one doctor has said that. You know that I have tried to be a help to you. I want you to be whole and healed.
You also know, in your heart, that I really love you.
I am trying to help you.
One last time.
I will not contact you or them ever again, as long as they leave me alone.
If you and only YOU want to contact me, you can always e-mail me, my beloved. THEY, your controllers must not be a part of it, nor know about it. It is only for what is left of "Us".
God does not repent of His calling. He is not afraid of them. And through Him all things are possible.
I will not contact you any other way and I can not allow you to contact me any other way. As long as they control you, you remain toxic to me and vice versa.
PLEASE Pray. A run to God. I know you dont believe me, but it is your only safe place.
I grieve your loss. But your loss has already happened for a long time. You cant leave me, because you were never really here. You did try, for a while though.
I love you. I wish you could be free. If I can actually help you, then let me know. I will be praying for you.
I love you and who you actually are. The problems come in because of your fears, dysfunction, need to control others, misplaced loyalties and maturity level.
But who you are, not where you are or what you have done, is loveable. You, A, are loved. You are lovable.
There is a place for you to be safe and free.
You have to use your "courage to be kind" on yourself in order to get there, on this planet. Give yourself that gift and be kind to yourself. It will take courage in your current environment, but you have that courage. I have seen it in you.
I love you A. YaHWeH does too. More than I do.
I hope I get a response from you. From your heart. Not from them and from your/her twisted perspective of what's good for you/her.
I love you. I was my beloved's and he was not mine. He was hers. Thank you for wearing the ring anyway. It said that at least you tried. I choose to still wear mine, because I do love you.
I love you. Not what you have done, but you. I need my safety and so I need to heal and I need you to heal before we can have any contact other than e-mail.
But I DO LOVE YOU. My love for you is one of the most beautiful and pure things I have ever given.
It did get obscured by many problems, but the love itself is still there and it is still pure.
If you ever find that is valuable to you, maybe you will use it to grow up and be free. If you have time. And if you get enough wisdom to see.
Pray A. Pray.
I love you A. I love you A. I love you A.
Goodbye for now, beautiful.