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#185820 - 10/09/07 08:09 AM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: testingWaters]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
testingWaters,
You are right. I desire the truth. The truth, as it stands now, is that there are parts of that night that are missing. Gone. Some of it has come back to him, but much of it is still missing. He only survived by living as if it didn't happen. He says now that he isn't sure if he even knew the day after what actually had happened. He has always known his feelings about it, but not knowing that this could happen to a man, he's been full of regret and shame as well.

Things that have come to him have been mostly feeling driven. In the beginning, he told me that it was a mistake. He couldn't understand any of it, and said he "allowed" it to happen. I was (understandably, I think) distraught. He didn't have any specifics then, knew it happened, that was all. One night he woke me up and said, "I didn't kiss her." He said he just knew, he felt it. I remember him saying, "I may have been in the dominate position, but I was not in control of the situation." You see, all along, his feelings and statements have been very bizarre, given a one-night stand situation. Then, he had a massage, and a panic attack, that took him right back to that night, same feelings of helplessness and dread.

He has said over and over that he wishes that he HAD participated, becuase then at least he'd feel human, and it would be my choice to get over it or not. This way, he feels like she has taken his manhood away from him. He remembers certain things that lead him (and me) to believe that she knew he wasn't into it, but it didn't stop her. As I have said before, he remembers every single minute of his actions from the moment he ran away from her.

He has offered to do whatever it takes to recover these memories for me. He truly is willing to go through this so that I can have the play by play, doesn't that speak volumes?

As I said, it is just so much easier to think that he "gave in to the temptation" than to think that there are people in the world that would take advantage of another person like that. Also, given that he kept it a secret (he has trouble with that, although he knows he decieved me he says it's becuase in his mind it DID NOT happen, as that was the only way he could live), I and my children were around this person a lot. I feel betrayed becuase he didn't protect himself and his family from this monster.

I grew up in a functional family, and admittedly have had a sheltered life. I was not supposed to have to deal with any of this. My strong perfect husband could not be a victim of a crime, especially not a sexual crime, especially not perpetrated by a woman. This was my thought process. I (mistakenly) thought that the more I pushed him, that it would go away, and I'd get my life back. Well, this certainly isn't the life I would have chosen, and it isn't going away. But the bottom line is that he didn't choose this either. This was done to him, and he will deal with that for the rest of his life. These last several months (since he's disclosed, figured out what happened and started dealing with it), have been trying at best, and miserable at worst. But I've learned that he doesn't have to be invunerable to be strong, and that I can understand/support without knowing every little detail.

I am not going to sit around and wait for someone to hand me my life back. The naive person that I used to be is gone, she is not coming back. Hopefully I can grow into a wiser, more thoughtful person becuase of this. Sadder, maybe. Or, maybe I'll be more able to appreciate this gift of love that my husband freely gives me. As I said, she took it, which makes her a thief on top of everything else.

I'm taking my life back!


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#187346 - 10/15/07 09:59 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: thewife]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Wife,

I was looking around in our articles linked on the home page and came across the following article and thought of you. Not sure where you're at right now with the trauma that's taken place in your family, but wanted you to have the chance to read this if you haven't already.

The file is in a downloadable PDF format rather than on a webpage so you will have to have Adobe Reader installed on your machine.

Lots of love,

John

http://www.malesurvivor.org/Reversal_of_Fortune.pdf

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#187358 - 10/15/07 10:52 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: WalkingSouth]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow John, all I can say is thank you.

I was 15, a virgin and drunk. I woke up from drinking that night erect and penetrated by a 40 year old women. I see nothing in my experience that would make this concensual sex.

I still feel like if I tell my story I'll be laughed out of a room. I feel like I have still have to explain my situation as unwanted. What 15 year old virgin wants to wake up to penetration by a women 25+ years his age.

Funny how I'm still trying to explain it eh.

Thank you
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#187460 - 10/16/07 02:04 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: mogigo]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
John,

Actually, I have read that before, downloaded it to my laptop, in fact. It is powerful. It makes me so sad to think that there are women who do this to men. Thanks for putting it out there.
Amy


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#187498 - 10/16/07 08:53 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: thewife]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mike,

No need to explain it here, but I think you've discovered that already. Unfortunately we understand all too well the shame, not to mention the glazed over look people get in their eyes when we "talk" in the wrong setting.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#187571 - 10/17/07 02:29 AM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: WalkingSouth]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Your absolute right John.

Amy I am so sorry, I hijacked your post and I apoligize.

It was very inappropriate of me.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#187586 - 10/17/07 07:40 AM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: mogigo]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Mike,

An apology is not warranted or expected.

Love,
Amy


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