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#187566 - 10/17/07 01:46 AM conflicted feelings in your relationships?
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
there is so much of this expressed on this board - both by survivors and fnf. i'm just wondering how people deal with conflicting feelings - i'm thinking nonsurvivors handle them differently; i.e. if i've had a shitty day i'm just as likely to not feel very loving towards bf or anyone else. (tho sometimes he can pull me out of that kind of a rut by just a smile or a joke, you know what i mean.) i am able to realize it's just a bad mood and it will pass, i accept that as part of life.

but when it's him in a bad mood/depressed i try and cheer him up and often times my efforts seem to make things worse - it's puzzling - i let it go and hope he'll feel better later - he doesn't respond it seems the way other people do - i see a darkness and a pain so deep i wonder if it will ever be relieved.

survivors what about you in this situation? so many partners here state how often we are puzzled by your seemingly love us one minute/hate us the next/indifferent the third attitudes that make us sometimes wonder wtf is going on?

how do you face or what do you do about conflicting feelings in your relationships? if you have a bad day/week/month/ongoing period, etc., do you question your feelings towards your relationships as we sometimes think you do? even if we are sure of your feelings on a permanent basis, are there times when you actually doubt if everything you've felt is real? or good for you? or that your judgment is sound? and what do you do about it?

i know this goes back to trusting one's self - are you aware of not trusting yourself? do you work on trying?

indy






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my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#187792 - 10/18/07 12:47 PM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: indygal]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
ok, hmm, maybe you all aren't dealing with conflict at all?

or maybe i'm just the only one that ever experiences it?

they say silence speaks volumes....?


indy

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my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#187819 - 10/18/07 03:29 PM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: indygal]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
indygal,

You are asking a very good question the problem is there are many variable answers. For starters everyone deals with conflict differently survivor or not. Then I think it depends where a surviver is at in the healing process.

For example I know before I began to heal I would just shut down and trow up my shield when I was facing conflict either from within or when being confronted. Somewhere in the early years of recovery I would get angry mostly at myself when dealing with conflict. Then along the line I developed coping mechanisms and the ability to break down conflicts and deal with them when possible I still have some that I can only cope with.

So to sum it up in the beginning no amount of joking or trying to make me laugh would work. But now know matter how crappy of a day it has been or what conflicts have come up. A good joke or something that makes me laugh seems to make things better.

I don't know if this answers your question or not but at least we gave it a shot.

Take care.
brokensoul


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#187824 - 10/18/07 04:11 PM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: brokensoul]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
my two cents:
The burning question posed to my soul by my CSA is simply this:
Is the world a decent place?
No answer stays overlong in my heart as being true- part of me says Yes, of course it is; another part of me says No, it's never been and never will be; and yet another part of me tires of endless battle, and says it doesn't matter, that nothing matters.
Hope, Anger, Depression...
The human brain's main job when not dealing with our senses is solving problems, and like a computer instructed to calculate the last digit of "pi" (3.14159...), it doesn't know the answer to the question is impossible, it just keeps churning away at it. For me, every event in my life adds weight to one side or another of this question, which supercedes day-to-day concerns.
At any given moment, I may deep-down be grateful for, apathetic toward, or disgusted by "life, the universe, and everything".
This colors my mood, and my social interaction, more than i usually am aware of at the time. Any human is always trapped in "now" (including a "now" dominated by the past)- imagine a loaf of bread covered in mold. Not making you hungry, right?

Now imagine finding this bread after your 3rd day of being lost at sea. Suddenly that bread becomes the most delicious thing you've ever eaten. That is what i mean when i say we are trapped in "now". This is all just my take on it, i hope you find it helpful.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#187877 - 10/19/07 01:05 AM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: dgoods]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
while i agree everyone, survivor or not, deals with conflict differently, i'm thinking there are fundamental skills that have been seriously damaged and/or not developed and/or have been taught that there is little if anything, a survivor is able to do when faced with conflicting feelings and or an actual conflict situation, i.e. argument of some sort.

i'm not sure where i'm going with this before anyone asks other than just deeper understanding; i do know bf has serious anxiety and inadequacy issues when it comes to facing conflict, arguments, disagreements, serious situations, etc.

i also think understanding this aspect of his personality will help him to see some of the damage done to him he is otherwise unable to justify. he appears very much like you describe, brokensoul, to just become exasperated.

dgoods, you too, sound a lot like him insomuch as he's unable to "shut down" but rather always seems to be "on" - while i am a creative person and we're known to be big daydreamers, even non-creative people daydream but he seems not to do this (ever!!) but if he is quiet it only means he is thinking very hard about something, or "computing" not just relaxing and able to let his thoughts drift.

i get your moldy bread metaphor as well, unfortunately.

i think my next question is can you learn that while the moldy bread may be acceptable on some level, there are other more palatable options available?

indy


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my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#187880 - 10/19/07 01:45 AM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: indygal]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
When confronted with conflict this is when I Disassociate. Gone, straight to a teenager. Trying to work out adult conflict as a teen is very very exasperatng. Just get lost trying to work it out and turn to mumbling "I don't know" over and over again while grabbing my knees and rocking back and forth. But we are all different how we handle conflict.

Just feel so young sometimes

Stay strong
Mike

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Thriving

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#187896 - 10/19/07 04:33 AM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: indygal]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
thanks for reading...
I daydream too y'know ;\)
I'm saying whatever the Answer to the Question might be, it is impermanent. He is probably not really sure that you, or anything else positive in his life, is true, trustworthy, an anchor in rough seas. In other words, it's not you in particular necessarily- you get lumped in w/ "life in general".

Too many people mean well, mean the best for us, but overestimate their ability to cope w/ us. Sometimes, we're trying to keep YOU from exhaustion and pain, when we see signs of bewilderment or frustration. We think, "I'm not gonna be the one to ruin THEIR life, they did their best, they can't handle it all." So we push you away, whether we're wrong about you or not. You may have lots of gas left in your tank, but we feel safer assuming otherwise- and people entering our hearts w/o permission from the "guard"(i.e. falling in love) get rough treatment often, deserving or not.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#187924 - 10/19/07 11:39 AM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: dgoods]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
indy,

I think what you are seeing is coping mechanism but it is not a Healthy coping mechanism. If I really think back I can see that as I began to heal I also changed my coping mechanism. Now I have a more positive way to cope with everything it is not perfect but I'm still working on that.

I can't say for sure if this process would have been the same if my abuse had never happened. I would say that as children we are learning coping skills so a trauma event my interrupt that process. Stopping many from developing a positive way to cope with things. Since the natural progress is stopped or changed we may need to as adults now first realize that we are coping with certain things in a unhealthy way and then either teach ourselves (which is what I have been doing) or be taught a healthy way to cope with things.

I hope this makes sense I tend to look at things or express things in a way that may freak some people out.

brokensoul


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#188878 - 10/26/07 11:02 PM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: indygal]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
You asked alot of questiona and they are not all that easy per se to answer in that i know for me even though i know i love my fiancee with every fiber of my being however i do in fact have moments/days/even weeks although not everyday during those weeks as to how i feel about her.


I love her yet i know within my core self that when i feel this way i just ask myself "why am i feeling / thinking this way" ....usually it has so much more to do with me and my mood(s) then anything to do with her.

It's not easy for her to deal with me( trust me i know i can be a real moddy prick at times) and i often wonder if she's willing to sticj around as a result of the "effects" of my moods can have on her and the emotional impact and how draining i can be knowing how she is simply trying to snap me out of it.

Anyway the best way for me to answer your questions is i have to take a look at "the why" i'm thinking/ feeling doubtful or conflicted with the "relationship" we're building along with the ife we're making for oursleves.

It's so worth it when i can be true to not only myself but with her as well.

Honesty rough and can have painful results however it's a small price(very small compared to the alternitive) to pay for the lady i love so much.

Coopstah

PS: lisa has the ability to ALWAYS snap me out of my moods with who she is as a person and a simple skaile,joke, or even the touch of her hand and kiss telling me how much she loves me...finally the other morning she said to me "i sometimes look at you and ask myself what i did to deserve someone like you"....that almost reucded me to tears.

Relationships are hard and by no means easy however they are so worth it when two people are committed to the good therefore the end justify the means...the devotion and loyalty we both have for each other.

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#188915 - 10/27/07 12:20 PM Re: conflicted feelings in your relationships? [Re: thecoopstah]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
coopstah that was just so beautiful of you to write this. i don't know what else to say.

you really seem to be more positive these days. i really wish you all the best in your continued healing.

thank you.
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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